I left a negative tip once. It was mostly to let the server know I didn’t just forget to tip — she really was that bad — but partly because I was curious about what would happen.

We had absolutely slow and unfriendly service from the start. I can usually tolerate that; I’ve worked in restaurants before, and everyone has a bad day now and then. But what pushed it over the edge was when our server completely disappeared for half an hour, abandoning not only us but her other tables, as well, without explanation or apology, after I’d told her we had a family emergency and needed our food quickly wrapped to go!

When we finally got the food and the bill, the total was $48.01. I marked minus one cent (“$-0.01”) as the tip, totaled it to $48.00, signed, and left. I also made sure I kept my duplicate copy of the credit card slip.

Naturally, I was watching for my credit card statement to see how the bill had been handled. When the statement came, to my astonishment, the amount charged was $56.00 — the server had changed my minus one cent to an $8.00 tip for herself!

Of course, I still had my copy of the receipt and remembered every detail, so I challenged the excess tip amount with my credit card company and notified the restaurant management.

To the restaurant’s credit, the manager checked their copy of the receipt, saw the tip amount had been altered, and promptly fired the dishonest server. He was extremely apologetic and went overboard to retain us as customers, not only reversing the ENTIRE credit charge but also writing us a check for the amount of our bill — so our meal was basically double-comped! — and then giving us additional gift certificates for our trouble.

We did go back and had good experiences from then on.

I tried vegetarianism but just couldn’t get it to work, so I eat vegetarian most of the week, and when I do eat meat, it comes from responsible and ethical sources. I find that people struggle to understand this, and I’ve given up trying to explain. 

We are on a work outing at a fancy restaurant. The waiter explains that the chicken is locally-sourced and free-range and has been personally selected by the chef for the quality of the poultry and conditions of the farm.

Suitably impressed, I order the chicken, and when it comes, I know I made the right choice. The colour and size are impressive, and it tastes far better than any cheap factory meat.

Just then, my coworker looks up.

Coworker #1: “Aha! I knew it. Another fake vegetarian. Meat looked too good to resist?”

Me: “I never told you I was a vegetarian.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, cut the crap. I see you at work eating all the vegetarian meals.”

Coworker #2: “Leave him alone. He can change his mind if he wants.”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not a vegetarian. I just don’t eat a lot of meat.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, right! I caught you; that’s why you’re saying that.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry, but I will have to ask you to keep the noise down.”

Me: “Sorry about him. We will be quiet.”

Coworker #1: *Getting angry* “The h*** I will. You can’t just brush this off”

Boss: “Shut up or leave, [Coworker #1].”

Coworker #1: *Loudly* “No, I’m not at work. You can’t tell me what to do!”

Waiter: “I will bring you the bill. And some to-go bags.”

Many of us haven’t even gotten our meals; we don’t want to leave.

Boss: “I remind you that you are representing the company, on a company-paid outing. You can and will be disciplined for your actions.”

Coworker #1: “Whatever. The food wasn’t even that good.”

He left and we just about managed to convince them to let us stay. The rest of the meal was awkward, but the food at least tasted good.

Decades ago, some friends and I went to an ice cream parlor. One of us ordered a sundae.

Waitress: “Do you want walnuts on that?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Waitress: “Wet nuts or dry nuts?”

Friend: “What’s the difference?”

Waitress: “The wet nuts have been soaked in maple syrup.”

Friend: “Okay, I’ll have the wet nuts.”

Waitress: “We only have dry nuts.”

To this day, when someone offers us a false choice, my wife and I shout, “Wet nuts or dry nuts?!”

Like every other restaurant in the country, we are severely understaffed. It is Sunday, our busiest day of the week, when I am called to the register because a customer wants to talk to the manager.

Customer: “I am very disappointed in this place. I’ve been eating at [Chain Restaurant] for twenty years all over the country and I have never seen one as dirty as this one. There is trash all over the floor…”

She speaks for two solid minutes, repeating herself often.

Customer: “…and there are only a few waitresses running around doing all the work!”

Me: “I’m sorry you are disappointed. The reason for what you’ve experienced is that we are understaffed by about ten servers and half the number of cleaning and kitchen staff we usually have. I promise you the team members we have are doing their best.”

Customer: “Well, then, you should just hire more people!”

I just stare at her for a few seconds.

Me: “Gee, I didn’t think of that. If there’s nothing else you need to tell me, I have to get back to cooking.”

I just left her standing there with her mouth open.

It’s 10:30 am, and our first batch of hot chips has just been put into the Bain-Marie. I give a lady a portion of chips.

Customer: “For $6.50, these should be hot.”

Me: “Uh, these were just brought out a few minutes ago; they should still be hot.”

Customer: “Well, these are soggy and cold.”

The customer’s daughter is eating the chips with no problems. I check the machine thermometer; it’s 84°C.

Me: “I’m so sorry about that. I’ll get you some new ones.”

I go to get her new chips.

Customer: “No, you have to get the ones at the front.”

I get her chips from the front.

Me: “There you go. Did you want me to throw those away for you?”

She gives her old chips to me.

Me: “I’m so sorry about that.”

They leave and my supervisor gets the thermometer to test the chips.

Next Customer: “Hello! Could I get some hot cold chips, please?”

We all laugh.

Next Customer: “Seriously, you ladies have far more patience than I do!”

Supervisor: “Yeah, I don’t know what she was talking about. They’re 70°C and climbing!”