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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Time To Bring Out The Iron Maiden

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (So I had 3 tables of teenagers. Everyone seemed to understand that this restaurant was themed. We don’t let people use forks or knives, or spoons. You use your hands, end of story.)

    Male Customer: “My friend here wants to know how she eats the soup.”

    (I look to his friend, a tall dirty blonde, and sigh to myself.)

    Me: “You grab the handle of the bowl, bring it to your mouth, and then sip. Use two hands if it’s too heavy.”

    Female Customer: “Ok.”

    (She lifts bowl to her face, but instead of just going for a sip, she turns her head in on it so her nose ends up going in the soup. She flips.)

    Female Customer: “Are you sh*tting me! This is bullsh*t! I shouldn’t have to eat like this! It’s so…so–”

    Me: “Medieval.”

    (Her friends snicker.)

    Female Customer: “Yeah it is! And I think it’s unfair that I don’t get any utensils! Are you sure I can’t get a fork for my soup?”

    Me: “Wait a second, did you just say fork? I’m not sure about you but usually a spoon works better for me. Also, they don’t exist here.”

    (Everyone laughs at her.)

    Female Customer: “Fine fine, I’ll eat with my hands I guess. If you ask me it’s just stupid.”

    Me: “It’s a part of the experience.”

    Female Customer: “But maybe I don’t want the experience!”

    (And it’s moments like that, and many others, that make me wonder why anyone would waste 80 bucks for a themed restaurant, and not want the experience.)

    We Love You Too

    , | Pizzeria | Top

    (It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)

    Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”

    Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”

    Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”

    Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”

    Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”

    Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”

    Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”

    Me: “Good night, sir.”

    Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*

    (Quite frankly, it made my day.)

    A Whale Of A Story

    | Alaska, USA | Top

    Tourist: “Are you from here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”

    Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”

    Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”

    Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”

    Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”

    Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”

    (I always wondered if she went.)

    Pepperoni And A Side Of Dentures, Please

    , | Oregon, USA |

    Me: “[Pizza place], what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large cheese pizza.”

    Me: “Great. Anything else for you today?”

    Customer: “Um…yeah. Could you undercook that? Most of the people eating the pizza don’t have teeth.”

    I’ll Take A Schizo With Cheese

    , | Omaha, NE, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a churro.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve churros. For desserts we have caramel apple empanadas or cinnamon twists if you want to try one of those.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want dessert! I want an enchilada!”

    Me: “You mean an enchirito?”

    (The customer pulls forward without saying anything. I ask a coworker to verify the order at the window because the guy wasn’t making sense.)

    Coworker at the window: “You ordered a beef enchirito, correct?”

    Customer: “NO! I wanted a gordita!”


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