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    It’s What’s For Dinner

    , | Stanwood, WA, USA |

    Coworker: Welcome to [fast food burger joint], what’s your beef?

    Customer: “I ain’t got a beef, you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”

    Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”

    Customer: ¬†”Yes, I want some beef, you gonna bring it?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it, you payin’?”

    Customer: ¬†”Course I’m payin’, you makin’?”

    Coworker: ¬†”Yes we’re makin’.”

    Customer: ¬†”Good, how much?”

    Coworker: ¬†”You have to order first, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah…”

    You Know What They Say About Idle Hands…

    , | Port St. Lucie, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place], may I take your order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a one of those large philly cheesesteak pizzas you’re advertising on TV.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not us. That’s [competitor].”

    Customer: “What do you mean that’s not you? I just saw the commercial.”

    Me: “I don’t know what commercial you saw, but we don’t have that pizza. Only [competitor] does.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager, because you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about. I want your bosses number. I’m gonna tell him about this and then we’ll see.”

    Me: “You’re welcome to call him, but he’ll tell you the same thing I did: that’s not our pizza.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll call his boss and their boss and keep going till I finally get someone who agrees with me!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Must be nice to have that much time on your hands!”

    Doctoring Under The Influence

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

    Drunken table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

    (They proceed to order 10 different, complex cocktail orders.)

    Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Lady at drunken table: “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

    Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

    Lady at drunken table: “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

    Doctor at drunken table: “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

    It’s Just Like Disneyland, But With Funny Accents

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (At a fairly new nice french restaurant. Chef comes to dining area to interact with the customers; he has an obvious French accent.)

    Chef: “Hi ladies, how was everything?”

    Customer: “The food was delicious. Where did you learn to cook?”

    Chef: “Well, I was born in France and went to school there.”

    Customer: “Really? Do you speak French? I mean, I know everyone in Europe speaks English, but do you know French?”

    Chef: *walks away disgusted*

    Please Don’t Feed The Customers

    | Boston, MA, USA | Top

    (I work on a dinner cruise. As I’m eating a handful of Goldfish crackers and I see a man yelling at me from the gangway.)

    Customer: “Hey! Hey you!”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “What’s that you’re eating?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Are you eating NUTS?”

    Me: “No, they’re Goldfish.”

    Customer: “Oh okay. Can I have some?”

    Me: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yea, I want some. I’m so hungry!”

    Me: “There is food on the boat, sir. Just wait until you get on.”

    Customer: “No, but I want what you’re eating–those nuts!”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 11:00 at night, I’m working until 5:00 AM, and I’ve been here since 4:30 this afternoon. I have not eaten and will not eat for a while. So no, you cannot have my six Goldfish, as they are MINE.”

    Customer: “That’s f***ed up. I can’t have some of that food in your hand?”

    Me: “No, no you can’t!”

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