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    Honey, You Don’t Know The Half Of It

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I was helping out a fellow co-worker by serving about three people at of her tables some decaf. At this point, the pitcher was half full.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you?”

    (The customer takes a sip of the decaf, makes a face, and SPITS IT OUT all over the table.)

    Old Man: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Old Man: “You’re almost out of coffee. Do you know what this means?”

    Me: “…that I have to make another pot?”

    Old Man: “I taste coffee bean residue in here. I require that you give me another pitcher.”

    Me: “No problem, sir…”

    (I go and fetch the other decaf pitcher, which is also half full.)

    Me: “Will this one do, sir?”

    Old Man: “What is with you people trying to give me the bottom of the pitcher? I’M NOT A BOTTOM MAN!”

    (I immediately ran back to the kitchen and laughed for about 10 minutes.)

    Well Played, Indeed

    , | North Dakota, USA | Top

    (This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

    Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

    Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

    Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

    Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

    Weight Watchers Rejects

    , | Waco, TX, USA |

    Lady: “How many slices come on the 8-inch pizza?”

    Waiter: “Well usually we cut it into 6, but we can make it four, or eight or ten. Whatever you want.”

    Lady: “Better just make it six…I don’t think I can eat more than six slices.”

    How About A Side Of Hypocrisy

    , | Charlottesville, VA, USA |

    Me: *preparing a gyro wrap for a customer* “Would you like cheese on it?”

    Customer: “Oh my God, no! I’m a VEGAN! Don’t you know what they do to cows in those horrible farms? They force them to get pregnant all the time, and then they take away their babies and kill them so we humans can steal their milk! Dairy products are cruelty! ”

    Me: “Okay, okay. No cheese. Moving along. What sauces would you like on that?”

    Customer: “Tzatziki sauce, please.”

    (Note: the particular brand of tzatziki we purchased included both yogurt and sour cream.)

    Me: “Ah, I’m afraid that’s a dairy prod–”

    Customer: “I DON’T CARE! PUT IT ON!”

    Oh Noes, I Fails

    | Capitola, CA, USA |

    (I worked as a hostess in a not-particularly large restaurant…)

    Me: “Welcome to ****, how many in your party?”

    Man: “Two, but my wife will be meeting me in a few minutes. Can I just sit down now and then you can direct her to my table?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    (So about 30 minutes goes by and in that time about 20 people come in to be seated. None of them say that they’re meeting anyone. The man I seated earlier eventually comes up to me.)

    Man: “You failed me.”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Man: “My wife has been sitting at a table across the room from me for the last twenty minutes because you didn’t direct her to my table!”

    Me: “Well I’m sorry sir, but if she didn’t tell me she was meeting anyone, I would have no way of knowing.”

    Man: “I gave you a job! You didn’t do it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but my job is to seat everyone who comes through this door. I didn’t ask every single female if they were your wife. I assumed she would either tell me she was meeting someone, or look around the room to see if you were there.”

    Man: “You assumed wrong! You FAILED me!”


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