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    Fighting Fire With Fire

    | Belgium | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

    Father: *beaming* “No.”

    Me: “No, as in, no you won’t tell them to stop it?”

    Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

    (I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

    Customer 1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

    Customer 2: “No, that won’t do.”

    Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert…”

    Customer 2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

    Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

    Customer 1: “Well we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

    Customer 3: “Hold on…”

    (The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)

    Customer 3, to the father: “Tell them to stop it.”

    Father: *still beaming* “No.”

    Customer 1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

    Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

    Customer 1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

    (At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

    Father: “You’re lying.”

    Customer 4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

    (One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)

    Haphazardly Placed Vowels Does Not A Language Make

    | Branson, MO, USA |

    (I’m a customer and see an employee is waiting on another customer. The employee speaks perfect English and actually looks Hawaiian.)

    Customer: “EL POLO ICE-CREAMO!”

    Employee: Umm… yeah?”

    Customer: “I want some choco-lato ice-creamo. GRASSIOS!”

    Employee: “I speak English fine. What size do you want?”

    Customer: “Oh, you are doing so good. Good job, boy. Umm… I want a GRAND-AY!”

    Arithmophobia

    | Ohio, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant where customers can call and place an order to pick up).

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, how many wings can you get in an order?”

    Me: “We have orders of 6, 12, 18, 24, 50, and 100. Would you like to order some?”

    Customer: “Yes, I want 20.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have 20. The closest we have to 20 is 18.”

    Customer: “How many wings come in your 18-piece?”

    Me: “… 18.”

    Customer: “Okay, are you sure?”

    Me: “I can say for a fact that the 18-piece wing order comes with 18 wings.”

    (This went on for a few minutes. Back and forths of, “Are you sure?” and, “Yes, sir, I am sure you get 18 wings in an 18 wing order.”)

    Me: “Now what can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m going to eat elsewhere.” *click*

    Effective Marketing

    , | Orem, UT, USA |

    (An elderly woman is complaining to my manager about a recent ad in which a woman appears in lingerie. The ad is promoting a special on two fish sandwiches for $4.)

    Woman: “I was so offended. I can’t believe they would show that on TV. Children might have been watching!”

    Manager: “I’m very sorry you were offended, ma’am.”

    Woman: “It was so offensive! Is there anyone I can talk to?”

    Manager: “I can give you the number for the regional office or you can send an email from the website.”

    Woman: “It was just so offensive!”

    Manager: “Again, I’m very sorry ma’am. By the way, here are your two fish sandwiches.”

    Someone Seriously Needs A Time-Out

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I was in line at a Texas-style BBQ restaurant that serves you counter-style. A Wall Street-type dressed in a very expensive designer business suit is two people ahead of me.)

    Counter guy: “What can I get you?”

    Customer: “I need two pounds of moist brisket, wrapped up to go.”

    Counter guy: “Sorry, we just ran out.”

    Customer: ¬†*slams fist on counter* “AAGGHH, ¬†F***! What the f***?!”

    Counter guy: ¬†”Um…. I’m sorry sir. We still have plenty of the lean brisket.”

    Customer:¬†”I don’t want the f***ing lean brisket.¬†I came all the way here for the moist.¬†I can’t f***ing believe this s***! What the f***?”

    Counter guy: “Sir…”

    Customer:¬†”Ahh, s***! I can’t believe I came all the way the f*** up here for this s***. Of course you’re out! Why wouldn’t you f***ing have the moist? Ahh!”

    Counter guy: “Sir, really, we have the lean and its still very good.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want the lean, I came for the moist.¬†S***! This f***ing sucks!”

    Counter guy: “C’mon, sir, just try the lean. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

    Customer: “No, I won’t! I want the moist. How the f*** can you be out?¬†F***!”

    Counter guy:¬†*offers a free sample of lean brisket* “I’ll give you some to try. Please, sir, just try it.”

    Customer: “Fine! ¬†I’ll try the d*** lean!”

    (He takes a bite.)

    Customer: *completely calm* “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not bad at all. I’ll take two pounds to go, please.”


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