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    Toasted

    | Ryebrook, NY, USA |

    (Within a few minutes of a family of four sitting down, the fire alarm went off at our restaurant.)

    Me: “Hello folks, sorry for the terrible inconvenience. I’m sure everything will be cleared up here very soon.”

    Customer: “Is this a joke?”

    Me: “I assure you this isn’t a joke, unless you find it funny!” *laughs*

    Customer: *deafening silence*

    Me: “… but I also assure that there is no fire.”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak with a manager, please.”

    Me: “Sorry, but my manager is very busy at the moment dealing with the fire department. The drinks are on the house. If you could just sit tight, we’ll be with you shortly.”

    Customer: “You know it’s my son’s birthday, right?”

    Me, to son: “Oh! Happy birthday buddy!”

    (I jokingly slide the beer towards the son, which sets the customer off even more.)

    Customer: “Get a manager over here, right now!”

    (My manager tells me that there is a problem with the ovens that the fire department has to figure out, and that we have to evacuate the building.)

    Me: “I’m sorry to inform you that the grills have been turned off and–”

    Customer: “How can we order our food then?”

    Me: “Well… yeah, that’s the thing. We have to get everyone out of the building.”

    Customer: “Excuse me? We don’t get to eat? It’s my son’s birthday. Is there anything you can do? We are very unhappy with this!”

    Me: “Well, the fire department has ordered the evacuation, so I also have to leave the building.”

    Customer: “It is my son’s birthday. He is turning 13. How often do people turn 13? Once! You have ruined my son’s only 13th birthday!”

    Me: “Sorry buddy, I hope you get everything you want for your birthday!”

    Customer’s son: “This was my birthday present and you ruined it!”

    Customer: “What did you do on your 13th birthday?!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU RUINED MY SON’S BIRTHDAY!”

    Me: “My 13th birthday was 8 years ago exactly.”

    Customer: *confused*

    Me: “How many times to you turn 21? Is this how you spent YOUR 21st birthday? GET OUT BEFORE I SET YOU ON FIRE!”

    (It’s was a bitter-sweet birthday present: Leaving work 5 hours early, but with no money.)

    Related:
    Smoked
    Burned

    Piss Poor Pizza Poacher

    , | Burnaby, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, *** Pizza, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address please?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “So I can look up your credit… we file them by address.”

    (He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story, and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

    Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

    Customer:“No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

    Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

    Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

    (I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

    Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza,’ what’s yours?”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

    It’s What’s For Dinner

    , | Stanwood, WA, USA |

    Coworker: Welcome to [fast food burger joint], what’s your beef?

    Customer: “I ain’t got a beef, you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”

    Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”

    Customer: ¬†”Yes, I want some beef, you gonna bring it?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it, you payin’?”

    Customer: ¬†”Course I’m payin’, you makin’?”

    Coworker: ¬†”Yes we’re makin’.”

    Customer: ¬†”Good, how much?”

    Coworker: ¬†”You have to order first, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh yeah…”

    You Know What They Say About Idle Hands…

    , | Port St. Lucie, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place], may I take your order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a one of those large philly cheesesteak pizzas you’re advertising on TV.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not us. That’s [competitor].”

    Customer: “What do you mean that’s not you? I just saw the commercial.”

    Me: “I don’t know what commercial you saw, but we don’t have that pizza. Only [competitor] does.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager, because you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about. I want your bosses number. I’m gonna tell him about this and then we’ll see.”

    Me: “You’re welcome to call him, but he’ll tell you the same thing I did: that’s not our pizza.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll call his boss and their boss and keep going till I finally get someone who agrees with me!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Must be nice to have that much time on your hands!”

    Doctoring Under The Influence

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

    Drunken table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

    Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

    (They proceed to order 10 different, complex cocktail orders.)

    Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

    (Five minutes later…)

    Lady at drunken table: “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

    Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

    Lady at drunken table: “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

    Doctor at drunken table: “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”


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