Babel-ing On

| Chula Vista, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Uncategorized

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant] I’ll be your server this evening.”

Customer: “Habla español?”

Me: “No sir, I don’t.”

Customer: “Italian?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “French?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Well, then what language do you speak?”

Flattery Is Fully Charged

| Wilmington, DE, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Me: “Hello! I’m [name] and I’ll be your server today. Are you ready to order?”

Customer: “No! You can’t serve me! You’re prettier than I am! You’re damaging my self-esteem!”

Me: *pause* “Well, you can request another server, if you like?”

Customer: “Yes! Get me another server. Someone less pretty!”

(Another waitress comes out. She’s perfectly good-looking, but visibly older than the customer whereas I’m younger, so we figured that would be okay.)

Waitress: “May I take your order, ma’am?”

Customer: “No no no! I asked for someone who isn’t pretty! Doesn’t this place employ ugly people?!”

(In the end, after deciding that even the male servers were far too good-looking, she left us feeling flattered, but very confused.)

Not Much Food For Thought

| Livonia, MI, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable 9-month-old baby.)

Me: "Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?"

Wife: "No…well…"

Me: "Yes?"

Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* "Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today…I get to eat DINNER!"

Me: “Uhm…”

Wife: *nervous giggle*

Navy Seal’s Fate is Sealed

| Toulon, France | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Military, Top

(The restaurant is near a Navy base and thus, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, were rude and snotty with my co-workers, complained a lot about the food and talked loudly and sometimes mocked the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lit a cigarette after requesting his bill.)

Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”

Customer: “Yes I can.”

Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”

(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)

Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”

(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)

Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”

Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”

Customer #2: “You know [name]?”

Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”

Customer #2: “Do you know [name]?”

Customer: “[name] is my superior!”

Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”

(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)

Intelligence Levels Are Falling

| Adirondacks, New York, USA | Math & Science, Uncategorized

(It is the peak of foliage in the fall. We’ve just had a few massive rain storms and lost a lot of the leaves that had already changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [lodge], how can I help you?”

Customer: “We wanted to come up and stay to check out the foliage. About how far would you say you are from peak?”

Me: “Well, we were probably about a week away, but after recent storms we lost a lot of the leaves.”

Customer: “About how many would you say you lost?”

Me:”Um, I would say maybe half?”

Customer: “Do you think you’ll be getting any more?”

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