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    Not-So-Immaculate Conceptions

    | Sioux Falls, SD, USA |

    (I’m cleaning a table that a young couple just left and find a used tampon floating in their old drink and a pregnancy test hiding in their napkin. I turn around to see a frantic woman.)

    Customer: “Where is it?!”

    Me: “Uh…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I left some personal things here – what happened to them?”

    (I look at my tub and then back at her. She looks at my tub and then back at me, and suddenly turns pale.)

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am?”

    Customer: *suddenly quiet* “Do you remember what the result was?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just f****** great! Thanks for nothing!”

    Putting The Pow In Kung Pao

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What would you like today?”

    Customer: “I’d like fried rice with the chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure.” *I put food on plate*

    Customer: “Now, add lots of the broth on the rice. Lots and lots and lots.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I add sauce to rice*

    Customer: *watches and starts making noises of pleasure* “Ohhh! Yeah! Ohhh!”

    Me: “…”

    A Cheese By Any Other Name

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Top

    Me: *greeting the table* “Hello, how are y’all do–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Do you have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Yes, we have queso.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want queso! I want cheese dip!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer’s 5-year-old daughter: “Daddy, queso is cheese.”

    Customer: “Hush!” *looks at me* “What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Sir, we have cheese dip, but here we call it queso.”

    Customer: “Fine! Bring out this ‘queso’ and I’ll let YOU know if it’s cheese dip or not!”

    Employee Of The Year, Part 2

    , | New Zealand |

    (I’m English and backpacking in New Zealand. I’ve just started work in a fast food place and am on the drive through for the first time.)

    Manager: “Okay. What you have to do is talk to the customers and make them feel really welcome. Get a bit chatty if you can.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Watch this…”

    (A customer drives down to my window to pay for his food.)

    Me: “Hey there, how you doing? That will be [price].”

    Customer: “Where are you from?”

    Me: “England.”

    Customer: “Whereabouts in England?”

    Me: “Hull.”

    Customer: “ME TOO! I’m from *** Road!”

    Me: “Sweet, I grew up just round the corner from there! Was it a nightmare having them build the new stadium right on your doorstep?”

    Customer: “No way! Yer, was a right pain! Speaking of which, did you see the Tigers play the other night?”

    Me: “Nah, I missed it. I was working. I heard the result though, get it!”

    Customer: “Let’s see if we come out on top at the end of the season! Anyway, I best go pick up my food. I am sure you have other customers to serve. My name is *** by the way. What’s yours?”

    Me: “I’m ***.”

    (We shake hands through the window.)

    Customer: “Nice to meet you man. I will be sure to see you around.”

    Me: “Yeah, have a good day mate!”

    (The customer drives to the next window. I turn to look at my manager who has a look of total disbelief.)

    Me: “And that’s how you do that.”

    Manager: “Yeah, I will leave you to it. I think you got the hang of it!”

    Related:
    Employee Of The Year

    Johnny Something-Seed

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at a cafe-style restaurant.)

    Me: “Can I help you sir?”

    Customer: “Sure, I’d like the turkey sandwich with everything on it.”

    Me: “Okay, and what side would you like with that: chips, bread, or an apple?”

    Customer: “An apple? What’s an apple?”

    Me: “…a red fruit.”

    Customer: “Oh! I’ll take that.”

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