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    Udderly Stupid

    | Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, this beef isn’t fresh. Can you take it back and get me fresh beef?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the beef we cook is the freshest we can get.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you just kill a cow out back?”

    Me: “Um, no we don’t have cows in the back, that’s against the law.”

    Customer: “But isn’t this Canada? How can cows be illegal?”

    Customer Is No Shrimping Violet

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Customer: “My shrimp is cold.”

    Me: “Okay, sorry about that ma’am. I’ll bring it to the kitchen and they’ll make you a new serving right away.”

    Customer: “Fine, but feel this shrimp. Feel how cold it is.”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s unnecessary. I believe that it’s cold. Just let me take the plate away for you so I can get you a new serving.”

    Customer: “Feel my shrimp!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to touch your shrimp.”

    Customer: “Feel my shrimp or I’m leaving!”

    Fowl Behavior, Part 3

    , | Kelmscott, WA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, sir, can I take your order?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah…can I have two whole roast chickens?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are all out at the moment. If you come back in 30 minutes, there will be some chickens available”

    Customer: “But what about those chickens over there?” *points at plastic display chickens*

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but those are display chickens. They are not real.”

    Customer: *raises voice* “I reckon those chickens are real and you’re just trying to keep them for yourself!”

    (The customer stabs the chicken with a plastic knife from our tray. A chunk of polystyrene is taken out.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess you were telling the truth. I’ll come back in half an hour.”

    Related:
    Fowl Behavior, Part 2
    Fowl Behavior
    Fowl Play

    Kill The Bill, Double The Trouble

    , | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we cannot accept $50 bills. It’s against our security policy.”

    Customer: “When the h*** did this happen?”

    Me: “Two years ago, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I was in here last week and paid with a $100 bill.”

    Me: “Ma’am, our register wouldn’t allow us to enter $100 bills. Do you happen to have a credit card?”

    Customer: “What’s your name! I want to speak with your manager!”

    Manager: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “Your staff is lying by telling me he cannot accept a $50 bill. I was in here last week and paid with a $100 bill!”

    Manager: “I was on register all last week, ma’am, and I would have told you the same thing. It’s against our policy to accept bills $50 or larger.”

    Customer: “FINE!” *rips the bill in half* “HOW ABOUT NOW?”

    Related:
    Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

    When Stupidity Hits The Pint Of No Return

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “I see you changed your sizes?”

    Me: “Yeah, we had to change it from pint and quart because too many people were asking which was bigger. Now we’ve got large and small.”

    Customer: “They can’t tell by the price?”

    Me: “Maybe they aren’t stressing it in schools anymore.”

    (A second customer walks in and looks at a menu for a second.)

    Customer: “But that is sad, kids don’t know which is bigger.”

    Customer #2: “What’s bigger?”

    Me: “Pint or a quart.”

    Customer #2: “That’s pathetic.”

    (A few moments of silence pass.)

    Customer #2: “So, which is bigger, the large or the small?”

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