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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Would You Like To Super-Size That Band-Aid?

    , | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I’m working register when a lady comes up leading her sobbing son. He has a big lump on his forehead that’s starting to turn black and blue.)

    Customer: “Could I have some ice for his head? He hit it on something.”

    Me: “Yes! Poor little guy.”

    (I fill a glove with ice, wrap it in a paper rag and hand it over.)

    Me: “First Aid is just down there.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks. Hey, while we’re here, could I get a grilled chicken salad?”

    One Good Turn Perturbs Another

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Top

    (A customer comes into our restaurant and angrily slams his pizza box on the front counter.)

    Me: “Hello, sir…how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I ordered half pepperoni and half sausage!”

    Me: *opens the box* “It looks fine to me, sir. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I wanted my pepperoni on the LEFT side!”

    A Violent, Delicious Meal

    | Maidenhead, UK |

    Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

    Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

    Me: “OK. What did you order?”

    Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

    Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

    Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

    Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

    The Ferocity Of Generosity

    | Norfolk, VA, USA |

    (I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)

    Me: “Are we ready for our check?”

    Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”

    Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”

    Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child's] birthday!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”

    (I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)

    Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”

    (I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)

    Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”

    Do As I Do, Not As I Say

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer walks into our sandwich shop with her very young son.)

    Customer’s son: “I want a sandwich!”

    Customer: “When we want something, we ask politely, remember?”

    Customer’s son: “But I want chips!”

    Customer: “No, dear, you ask, ‘May I please have some chips?’”

    Me: “What will you be ordering today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I want a kid’s meal!”

    Related:
    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

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