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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    A Number 666 With A Side Of Brimstone

    , | Newfoundland, Canada |

    (After serving them their fast food, a woman with a family of six runs up to the counter, furious.)

    Customer: “You! You stacked our food wrong! Now my kids are crying!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Come look!”

    (She brings me down to their table, where their three pre-teens are crying their eyes out and her husband looks incredibly frustrated.)

    Customer: “Look!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t see anything wrong with your food–”

    Customer: “[Child #1] is supposed to eat first, but his food is on the bottom! We won’t be able to get it without moving the other things!”

    Me: “I don’t think I understand.”

    Customer: “He’s the first person on the left! He has to eat first, or Satan will claim his soul!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    (I decide to ask counter-clockwise around the table what everyone ordered, and hand them their food out off the pile.)

    Customer:, “Oh, thank you! You will serve as a warrior of God someday!”

    Me: “…right.”

    (That family still shows up once a month or so, and suffice to say, I always run out to see what order they’re sitting in before I serve their food.)

    Finally, Mayonnaise That Burns Calories

    , | Rincon, GA, USA |

    (A lady comes into our sandwich shop and orders a sub. Everything is normal until…)

    Customer: “Could I get mayonnaise?”

    Me: “Sure”.

    (I put the mayonnaise on the sandwich.)

    Customer: *orgasm noise* “Mooooore.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Customer: *orgasm noise* “More mayonnaise!”

    (I honestly think a little bit of my spirit died that day.)

    Abandon All Hope, All Ye In Dante’s Diner

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    (We provide a complimentary bowl of prawn crackers at our restaurant. When I go to take a customers order, I notice he has eaten the entire bowl.)

    Customer: “You know, I’m allergic to MSG. I’ll die immediately if I even eat one milligram.”

    Me: “Those prawn crackers you just ate have MSG in them.”

    Customer: “Oh my God, I’m going to die!”

    (Two hours later, when the bill comes around…)

    Customer: “I don’t think I should pay for the meal. I’m going to die anyway.”

    Me: “Um… yes that will happen eventually, but it’s been two hours and you’re still kicking.”

    Customer: “Maybe I’ve died and we’re all in purgatory? In that case, technically, I haven’t eaten anything.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay for your meal.”

    Customer: “Purgatory waitresses aren’t very compassionate, are they?”

    The Scenic Route Always Whets The Appetite

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (This lady called to place a to-go order. She gave me a phone number with an odd area code, but I didn’t think much of it until this part of the conversation…)

    Me: *on the phone* “All right, your total comes to $47.92 and it should be ready in 15 minutes. You know this is the store at **** and **** in front of the mall, right?”

    Caller: “What? I’ve never heard of those street names. How do I get there?”

    Me: “Well, if you can tell me the closest intersection to you, I can give you directions…”

    Caller: “I’m at **** and ****.”

    Me: “…ma’am, what city are you in?”

    Caller: “…Little Rock…”

    Me: “Arkansas?!”

    Caller: “What other state would I be in?”

    Me: “We’re in Texas. I’m thinking you’re going to want to order from a location closer to you.”

    Caller: “I don’t know. Where in Texas are you, exactly?”

    Fast Times At Fry Cook High

    , | Ontario, Canada | Top

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

    Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God… like.. could we talk to the cook?”

    Me: “… what?”

    Teenage girl #2: “Yeah. Could you go get him?”

    Me: “Why?”

    Teenage girl #1: “He’s hot.”

    Me: “Alright, then.”

    (The cook then comes out to talk with them.)

    Cook: “Yes?”

    Teenage girl #2: “Like… what’re you doing after work?”

    Cook: “Going home to see my one month old son and girlfriend.”

    Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God, you have a son!? That’s so gross. You’re so young!”

    Cook: “This is why you use condoms, kids. Stay in school!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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