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    Some (Don’t Really) Like It Hot

    | Austin, TX | Top

    (I’m waiting on a table of fourteen in the middle of the lunch rush. The customer I am speaking to is the first order I take at the table.)

    Customer: “…oh, and I need some of that spicy salsa y’all have.”

    (I tell the customer I’ll get that right out and proceed to take the rest of the table’s order.)

    Customer: “I thought I asked you for spicy salsa?”

    Me: “I haven’t left the table, sir.”

    Customer: “Then how do you expect the salsa to get here? Magic?”

    Me: “I was taking the rest of your party’s order, sir. I’ll go get the salsa right now.”

    Customer: “And will you find out how long until our food comes out?”

    Me: “Sir, I haven’t put in the order yet, because I just finished taking it.”

    Customer: “Is this your first day or something?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’ve been working here since we opened three years ago.”

    (As I am walking back to the kitchen, another table flags me down, ready to order. The same customer gets up from his table and taps me on the shoulder while I am talking to this table.)

    Customer: “I don’t know how long I am supposed to wait for the d*** spicy salsa.”

    Me: “Sir, as soon as I take this table’s order I will literally walk into the cooler and get you some spicy salsa.”

    (I immediately bring him the salsa, and am returning to the computer to put in the orders. He walks across the restaurant and stares at me.)

    Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

    Customer: “This salsa is too spicy.”

    Changing The World, Two Letters At A Time

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    (I’m a customer at a restaurant and overhear this conversation between another customer and the waitress.)

    Customer, to waitress: “Can you tell me how long it is from here to Bah-nah-f-f?

    Waitress: “I think you mean Banff, sir.”

    Customer: “No, Bah-nah-f-f.”

    Waitress: “There is no city or town by that name in Alberta.”

    (The customer pulls out a map and points to Banff.)

    Customer: “Yeah there is, right here. BAH-NAH-F-F!”

    Waitress: “That’s pronounced Banff, sir.”

    Customer: “Nope, it’s pronounced BAH-NA-F-F!”

    Waitress: “Sir, I’ve lived in Alberta my entire life, and can assure you it’s pronounced Banff.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just stupid! When I get there, I’m changing the pronunciation.

    Waitress: “You’re gonna go to Banff and just change the pronunciation of the name?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Would You Like To Super-Size That Band-Aid?

    , | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (I’m working register when a lady comes up leading her sobbing son. He has a big lump on his forehead that’s starting to turn black and blue.)

    Customer: “Could I have some ice for his head? He hit it on something.”

    Me: “Yes! Poor little guy.”

    (I fill a glove with ice, wrap it in a paper rag and hand it over.)

    Me: “First Aid is just down there.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks. Hey, while we’re here, could I get a grilled chicken salad?”

    One Good Turn Perturbs Another

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Top

    (A customer comes into our restaurant and angrily slams his pizza box on the front counter.)

    Me: “Hello, sir…how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I ordered half pepperoni and half sausage!”

    Me: *opens the box* “It looks fine to me, sir. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I wanted my pepperoni on the LEFT side!”

    A Violent, Delicious Meal

    | Maidenhead, UK |

    Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

    Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

    Me: “OK. What did you order?”

    Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

    Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

    Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

    Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

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