Waiter Hater

| Dallas, TX, USA | Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(A man and his girlfriend walk in to our restaurant.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [restaurant]. I’ll be your server tonight.”

Customer: “Yeah. What happened to your nose?”

(I instinctively touch my nose to feel if anything is wrong with it.)

Customer: “Gotcha! I made you touch your nose.”

Me: “Yes, very amusing sir. Now may I interest you in–”

Customer: “You’re zipper is undone.”

Me: “Oh, but I’m not wearing pants with a zipper.”

Customer: “But you probably didn’t notice your pants are split open!”

Customer’s girlfriend: “I’m sorry, I should have just left him at home with a bowl of kibble and water.”

When Matter Doesn’t Matter

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Math & Science, Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have Gatorade?”

Me: “No, but we do have Powerade.”

Customer: “Does it have electrons in it?”

Me: “No, do you mean electrolytes?”

Customer: “No, electrons.”

Me: “I hope so.”

Better Safe Than Saucy

| Canada | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(A young boy comes up to me and points at the clam sauce for spaghetti.)

Boy: “Can I have this sauce?”

Me: “Sure, it’s clam. Is that okay?”

Boy: “Clam? What’s clam?”

(I start clapping my fingers together motioning a clam closing and opening.)

Me: “A clam? You don’t know what a clam is?”

Boy: *blank stare.*

Me: “Okay, well are you allergic to any shellfish?”

Boy: “What’s a shellfish?”

Me: “Okay, you’re getting tomato sauce.”

Asking The Eggs-pert

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(I am serving a table of 4, getting last customer’s order.)

Me: “How would you like your eggs?”

Customer: “How do people usually get them?”

Me: “They get them whatever way they like them prepared.”

Customer: “Can you name some of the ways?”

Me: “Sure. Scrambled, sunny side up, over-easy, over-medium, over-well, poached, basted, soft-boiled, hard boiled, I think that’s all of them.”

Customer: *long silence*

Me: “Sir, what do the eggs you like best look like?”

Customer: “Can you give me some examples?”

Me: “Well, scrambled is yellow and fluffy, sunny side up the yellow is lightly cooked and the white isn’t all the way cooked, over-easy is the white part is all cooked, but the yellow is runny, over-medium is the white is all cooked with the edges a little crisp and the yellow a little thick, over-well is when the whites are cooked and a little brown and the yellow is cooked all the way through and dry.”

Customer: “Which is the one where you can dip the toast in the yellow but there’s no goopy stuff?”

Me: “Over-easy is the best option for that.”

Customer: “That’s the way I like my eggs then.”

Me: “Did you want me to write that down for you for the next time you go out for breakfast?”

All of the customer’s friends: *in unison* “Yes, please!”

The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes, Part 2

| Green Bay, WI, USA | Math & Science, Uncategorized

( I work near to a city park where a lot of events like fairs or public concerts are held.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Caller: “You will be shooting off fireworks tonight, right?”

Me: “We won’t be, but yes, the city is setting off fireworks.”

Caller: “When is that going to happen? When have you scheduled it?”

Me:  “We aren’t scheduling it, but my guess is the city will be shooting them off at around sunset.”

Caller:  “Well, when is that going to happen?”

Me: “I don’t know ma’am.Wwe aren’t in charge of that. Perhaps you want to try calling the park and rec department?”

Caller: “How can you not know when you scheduled the sun to set?”

Related:
The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes

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