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    Happy PTLBOTT Day!

    | Pigeon Forge, TN, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant outside a national park. Our busiest season is the fall, when the leaves change.)

    Me: “[Restaurant], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, are you outside?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m in an office. Is there anything I can do for you?”

    Caller: “Well, do you know when the leaves change out there?”

    Me: “Yes, they’re changing now. They’re very beautiful.”

    Caller: “What?! We missed it!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the leaves aren’t done changing.”

    Caller: “Well, we live in New York and won’t be able to make it there today. What day do they change back?”

    Me: “Um…they don’t change back. They fall, like the season.”

    Caller: “Well, when do you put them back on the tree?”

    Me: *gives up* “Er…’Put The Leaves Back On The Trees’ day?”

    Caller: “Oh, thank you!”

    Kookie Cookie Karma

    | New York, USA | Top

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes. What are these?”

    Me: “That is a fortune cookie, ma’am.”

    Customer: “It doesn’t look like a cookie. Where are the chocolate chips?”

    Me: “Ma’am, these are a different kind of cookie. You open them up and they tell your fortune on a piece of paper.”

    Customer: “What kind of cookies have paper in them!?”

    Me: “Fortune cookies, ma’am.”

    Customer: “This is an outrage! Cookies are meant to be eaten, and paper isn’t EATABLE!”

    Me: “Please, ma’am, the paper is–”

    Customer: “Shut up! I’m leaving.”

    (The customer begins to storm out but in her anger misses the door and walks right into the wall. When she finally stumbles out, I open up the fortune cookie and read its message: “Do not worry. You will get what is coming to you in life.”)

    A Word Away From Being Manhandled

    | Livonia, MI, USA |

    (Note: I am seven months pregnant with a huge belly.)

    Customer: *laughing* “Oh man, you totally look like you’re pregnant!”

    Me: “Well yes, sir, I am. What can I get you?”

    Customer: “But that’s just impossible. It’s so ridiculous!”

    Me: “I can assure you, sir, it’s not. I am pregnant. Can I get you something?”

    Customer: *points at my nametag* “Look! You even have a girl’s name!”

    Me: “That’s because I’m a girl. I am a PREGNANT GIRL. Now, can I get you anything to eat?”

    Customer: *walks away, laughing hysterically* “A pregnant boy, that’s just crazy!”

    Not-So-Immaculate Conceptions

    | Sioux Falls, SD, USA |

    (I’m cleaning a table that a young couple just left and find a used tampon floating in their old drink and a pregnancy test hiding in their napkin. I turn around to see a frantic woman.)

    Customer: “Where is it?!”

    Me: “Uh…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I left some personal things here – what happened to them?”

    (I look at my tub and then back at her. She looks at my tub and then back at me, and suddenly turns pale.)

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am?”

    Customer: *suddenly quiet* “Do you remember what the result was?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just f****** great! Thanks for nothing!”

    Putting The Pow In Kung Pao

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What would you like today?”

    Customer: “I’d like fried rice with the chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure.” *I put food on plate*

    Customer: “Now, add lots of the broth on the rice. Lots and lots and lots.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I add sauce to rice*

    Customer: *watches and starts making noises of pleasure* “Ohhh! Yeah! Ohhh!”

    Me: “…”

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