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    There Must Be Something In The Water

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I’ve just asked a customer if they would like a new carafe of water.)

    Customer: “What’s a ‘carafe’?”

    Me: “In layman’s terms, its basically a water pitcher.”

    Customer: “What’s ‘layman’s terms’?”

    Me: “It’s like…dumbing down.”

    Customer: “What’s ‘dumbing down’?”

    Not Just Ol’ Gay Paris Anymore

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am of Chinese descent but I was born and raised in London. I am serving a table of American tourists, headed by a rather boisterous older woman.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant] what will you be having today?”

    Customer: “Oh my God!”

    Me: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

    Customer: “What’s wrong with your voice?”

    Me: “Nothing, ma’am. I’m perfectly fine.”

    Customer: “But you sound English!”

    Me: “I am. I was born here.”

    Customer: “But, that’s impossible!”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, I was born right here in London. This is my normal accent. So, what can I get you to order?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “21, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Would you like to meet my daughter? She’s thinking of studying here for school.”

    Me: “No thanks, ma’am. I’m gay and have a boyfriend so I doubt she’d be interested in me.”

    Customer: “You’re gay?”

    Me: “Guilty.”

    Customer: “So that explains the accent.”

    Much A-Brew About Nothing

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (A customer orders a Nestea iced tea, the label of which covers most of the midsection of the bottle.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “I’ll have you know that this iced tea is a ripoff.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Well, I hardly drank any, and the tea is already down to the bottom!”

    (He points to the tea visible at the bottom of the bottle.)

    Customer: “This is an outrage! I demand a refund or a refill.”

    Me: “Sir, just because you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.”

    Customer: “What the h*** is that supposed to mean?”

    Me: “It means that the rest of the tea is hidden by the label.”

    Customer: “Oh. Thanks.”

    Quite Rightly, Waiting Impolitely Is Unsightly

    | Waterloo, Ontario, Canada | Top

    (The restaurant is very busy, so food wait time is longer than usual.)

    Table 1: “When is our food coming out? This is ridiculous; we’ve been waiting 20 minutes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are very busy right now, but I’ll be bringing out your food very shortly.”

    Table 1: “Well, I hope so! You’re the worst server we’ve ever had!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Like I said, it’ll be out shortly.”

    (I move to another table.)

    Me: “I’m really sorry about the wait, I’ve checked on your food and it will be out shortly. I’m so sorry. I realize you’ve been waiting 40 minutes.”

    Table 2: “That’s not a problem at all…don’t worry about it.”

    Me: “I’d like to offer you your meals on the house, and thank you again for your patience.”

    Table 1: *overhearing* “How come WE don’t get our meals on the house?”

    Table 2: *to table 1* “Because WE’VE been waiting POLITELY!”

    A Burning Question

    | Missoula, MT, USA |

    (Our restaurant is having work done to the roof. A construction worker accidentally sets the insulation on fire, pouring smoke into the building. As the fire trucks are fighting the fire, a lady pulls up in a car.)

    Customer: “Do you sell gift certificates?”

    Me: “Why yes, but I can’t sell you any right now.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: *points at the fire and the firemen* “The store is currently on fire.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just run in and grab some for me?”

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