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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    For You, We’re Always Closed

    | Lancaster, PA, USA |

    (The diner I work in is a 24 hour restaurant, and closes only on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and New Years Eve after 6pm.)

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [diner]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, what time do you close?”

    Me: “We don’t close until Thanksgiving–we’re 24 hours.”

    Caller: “I don’t care what time you close on Thanksgiving, I want to know when you close TONIGHT.”

    Me: “… 5 pm.”

    Caller: “THANK YOU.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear, Part Two
    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

    Gastrointestinalcentrism

    | Reno, NV, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Mexican Grill, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, do you have mashed potatoes?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. This is a Mexican restaurant.”

    Caller: “Oh. Do you have lasagna?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… this is a MEXICAN restaurant.”

    (The customer finally orders some tacos.)

    Me: “Anything else, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Do you have spaghetti?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have spaghetti.”

    Caller: “WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT IS THIS?” *click*

    Bananas For Vanana

    , | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like some banana ice cream.”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (She pays and leaves. A moment later, she storms in, literally pushing people out of the way.)

    Customer: “This is not what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I’ll be happy to change that for you.”

    Customer: “You better!”

    Me: “So, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Banana ice cream.”

    Me: “Banana? That’s what I served you earlier. Is that not banana?”

    Customer: “No. I said banana!”

    Me: “Yes, banana.”

    Customer:: “You taste it! It’s not banana! I said banana!

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be happy to give you a new bowl. Perhaps, since we mix our own ice cream, the banana taste wasn’t mixed all the way through.”

    Customer: “Listen, I said banana, not banana!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “BANANA BANANA BANANA!”

    Me: “Banana?”

    (Suddenly, her B’s turn into V’s…)

    Customer: “Vanana!”

    Me: “Oh my God. Vanilla?”

    Customer: “Yes you dumb, b****! VANANA!”

    Something Smells Fishy

    | Orlando, FL, USA |

    (I used to work at a theme restaurant that had a huge, double arch aquarium at the entrance to the dining area. We had staff members who would clean the tanks from the inside in full scuba gear. The tanks were filled with brightly colored, tropical fish.)

    Patron: “Oooh! Is he there to paint the fish?”

    Me: “I’m… sorry?”

    Patron: “The fish. Is he in there to paint them?”

    Me: “Oh no, ma’am, the paint would wash off if we did it underwater. He takes them out to paint them.”

    Patron: “You take them out? That’s horrible? How do they breathe?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s very quick. We use an airbrush and stencils. It really only takes a few seconds. And since the paint is misted on, it dries almost instantly.”

    Patron: “Well, that’s a relief!”

    Basic Subtraction, Part 2

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, can I have a small pork fried rice, please? Without pork.”

    Me: “A small pork fried rice, without pork?”

    Customer: “Yes… can you add some chicken to that?”

    Me: “Um, so you want a small chicken fried rice?”

    Customer: “No. I want a small pork fried rice, no pork, with chicken.”

    Me: “Sure… anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, I also need a small chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yes…” *pauses* “Oh… and no broccoli in the chicken and broccoli!”

    Related:
    Basic Subtraction, How I Miss Thee


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