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    Must Have Been A Part-Time Thief

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A lady comes in and I hurriedly wiped the table. She eats, finishes, and was about to leave.)

    Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

    (I go check the bus pans.)

    Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

    Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

    Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

    Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

    (At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

    Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

    Customer: “Where did you find them?”

    Coworker: “They were on your door…”

    Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”

    One Plate Of Hot Air, Coming Right Up

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like the tofu & veggie dish, but I want that with no tofu.”

    Me: “Sure! We could add in chicken, or beef, or–”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want that. I just don’t like tofu.”

    Me: “I understand that. I don’t really care for it, myself.”

    Customer: “It’s not even a veggie…Oh, and can I have no veggies in that?”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “I don’t want any veggies in that, either.”

    Me: “So…you want the tofu & veggie dish with no tofu, no meat, and no veggies?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Elemental State Of Confusion

    | California, USA | Top

    (I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

    Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

    (She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

    Me: “Oh OK, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

    Customer: “Without what?”

    Me: “Ice.”

    Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

    Me: “Um…ice cubes.”

    (She looks at me blankly.)

    Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

    Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy…why is it in my glass?”

    Me: “To keep your water cold.”

    Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

    Me: “…”

    Every Valet’s Dream Come True

    | Lake Tahoe, CA/NV, USA | Top

    (A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right up front. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

    Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

    Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

    Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

    Me: “Well, if you insist…”

    (I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

    Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

    Simple Conversations, Even Simpler Minds

    | St. Augustine, FL, USA |

    (A customer comes up to the window where you pick up your order after your number was called. All he ordered was a biscuit.)

    Customer: “Biscuit?”

    Cook: “Biscuit.”

    Customer: *cocks head to one side* “Biscuit?”

    Cook: “Biscuit.”

    Customer: *cocks head to other side* “BISCUIT?”

    Cook: *picks up biscuit, shows the customer each side slowly* “Bis-cuit.”

    Customer: “OH! BISCUIT!” *proceeds to take plate to table*

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