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    No Reservations About Reservations

    | Hamburg, Germany | Uncategorized

    (The time is exactly 7:42pm.)

    Customer: “Hello. I’d like to make a reservation for two this evening, please.”

    Me: “Absolutely. What time will you be back?”

    Customer: “At a quarter to 8.”

    (I wait to see if this is a joke.)

    Me: “So, for right now?”

    Customer: *completely deadpan* “Yes.”

    A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 3

    | Silverdale, WA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like Swiss cheese, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take Provolone then.”

    Me: “Sir, I just told you. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar. It is on the sign right here.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll have Swiss.”

    Me: “I think we have some in back. One moment.”

    (My manager takes the American cheese into the back room. He cuts holes in a few of the slices, and brings them back out.)

    Me: “Here you are. Swiss cheese.”

    Customer: “I knew you guys always hid some in back!”

    Related:
    A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 2
    A Hole In Your Thinking

    Manly Beers Are Truly Cosmopolitan

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

    (The bar has 100 beers on draft and 207 in bottle. We give customers a beer menu due to the large number of beers that are constantly changing.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Can I get you started with something to drink?”

    Customer: “I’d like a beer. What have you got on draft?”

    Me: “Well, sir, we have 100 beers on draft. I can give you a minute to look over the menu if you like. I know there’s quite a lot to choose from.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to read this. Just tell me what you got.”

    Me: “I haven’t quite memorized them sir. They change almost every day. I can recommend something if you like. Or you can try one of our beers of the month.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything fruity. I’m no pansy see? What dark beers you got?”

    (I list a few dark lagers, ports, and stouts. The customer and I go back and forth for a few minutes because he doesn’t recognize anything. I offer to get him samples to make the process easier.)

    Customer: “Ah, forget it. I’ll just get a mojito.”

    Must Have Settled On Salt & Whinegar

    | Oakland, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am working the register. A customer is looking at our retail chips stacked in front of me.)

    Customer: “I don’t like this flavor.”

    (She picks up a bag of sea salt chips.)

    Customer: “I don’t like this kind either. It’s too salty.”

    (She grabs a bag of jalapeno chips.)

    Customer: “These ones are too spicy.”

    (This goes on for a minute or so. She eventually finds something she likes and places it at the register.)

    Me: “Hi there. How are you today?”

    Customer: “Oh, I can’t complain.”

    Forget The Coupon, Just Wing It

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’ve got coupon for 12 wings free. But, it says it excludes boneless wings. So, I was wondering if I could place an order and get the boneless wings free.”

    Me: “Sir, if it says it excludes the boneless wings, then I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Oh. So, even if I cross it off, it won’t work?”

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