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    A Violent, Delicious Meal

    | Maidenhead, UK |

    Customer: *shocked* “This isn’t what I ordered!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but this is haddock and chips. You ordered fish and chips, right?”

    Customer: “No! Definitely not. It was something else.”

    Me: “OK. What did you order?”

    Customer: “I’m not sure. But it was broken.”

    Me: “Broken? Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Yes! It was smashed! Smashed, I tell you! It was smashed!”

    Me: *slowly* “Ah…that’ll be it. It’s battered haddock, ma’am. Battered…in batter…and then deep-fried.”

    Customer: *suddenly regaining her calm* “Oh. Yes, that sounds right.” *smiles and returns to her meal*

    The Ferocity Of Generosity

    | Norfolk, VA, USA |

    (I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)

    Me: “Are we ready for our check?”

    Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”

    Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”

    Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child's] birthday!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”

    (I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)

    Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”

    (I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)

    Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”

    Do As I Do, Not As I Say

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer walks into our sandwich shop with her very young son.)

    Customer’s son: “I want a sandwich!”

    Customer: “When we want something, we ask politely, remember?”

    Customer’s son: “But I want chips!”

    Customer: “No, dear, you ask, ‘May I please have some chips?’”

    Me: “What will you be ordering today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I want a kid’s meal!”

    Related:
    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    When You’re Always Right, The Earth Revolves Around You

    , | Kennesaw, GA, USA |

    (While working at the drive-thru window early one morning, a woman starts talking to me as I am waiting on her food.)

    Customer: “Can you name 7 planets?”

    Me: “Uh…I can name 9, if you want to include Pluto…” *names the planets*

    Customer: “What about the sun?”

    Me: “The sun is a star.”

    Customer: “Oh. What about the moon?”

    Me: “The moon is our natural satellite…”

    Customer: “Huh. But it doesn’t move.”

    Me: “The moon revolves around the Earth.”

    Customer: “But the moon doesn’t move. I can see it right now.”

    Me: *hands her her food* “OK ma’am…have a nice day.”

    Diaper Baby Buffet Dumpers

    | Vancouver, Canada | Family & Kids

    (I’m a customer coming back from the buffet line with food and notice another customer changing her baby’s diaper, right in the middle of the seating area.)

    Me: “Madam? You can’t do that here.”

    Customer: “This won’t be too long!”

    Me: “That’s a table–you can’t change your baby there!”

    Customer: “Yes, I can! I just need to be quick! You can just clean this!”

    Me: “I happen to be a health inspector and–”

    Customer: “S***!” *runs away with the baby, leaving the dirty diaper on the table*

    Me: “–that was my table right there.”

    Bus boy: “Let me move you to a new table…”

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