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    Now Made With Real Vegetarians

    , | Hull, UK |

    Customer: “There is no pasta in my pastarami sandwich, just some meat.”

    Me: “It’s Pastrami, peppered beef–not pastarami.”

    Customer: “Oh, can I change it please? I’m vegetarian.”

    GPS Needs Some Maine-tenance

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Me: “Okay, which sandwiches off the menu would you like?”

    Customer: “I want olives.”

    Me: “Yes, but what kind of meat, sauce, cheese? We have our recipes up there for you.”

    Customer: “Look, all I want is olives. And sauerkraut.”

    Me: “I don’t have any sauerkraut for you sir.”

    Customer: “They have sauerkraut at other places! Like in Maine!”

    Me: “But not here. I’m sorry. And we are not in Maine.”

    Customer: *deadly serious and worried* “We’re not?”

    Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “How long is your wait right now?”

    Me: “There is no wait at the moment.”

    Caller: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “That you don’t have to wait for a table.”

    Caller: “But how long is the wait?”

    Me: “There is none. You will be seated right away.”

    Caller: “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me!”

    Misunderstanding The Great Melting Pot

    | Bay Area, CA |

    Me: “Hi, what would you like to order?”

    Customer: “Can I get some bread sticks?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have bread sticks.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I get… what was it called? Chow mein?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t serve chow mein. We have something like that called yaki udon, though.”

    Customer: “What? Why don’t you have chow mein?”

    Me: “That is a Chinese dish and this is a Japanese restaurant.”

    Customer: “They’re different?!”

    Some (Don’t Really) Like It Hot

    | Austin, TX | Top

    (I’m waiting on a table of fourteen in the middle of the lunch rush. The customer I am speaking to is the first order I take at the table.)

    Customer: “…oh, and I need some of that spicy salsa y’all have.”

    (I tell the customer I’ll get that right out and proceed to take the rest of the table’s order.)

    Customer: “I thought I asked you for spicy salsa?”

    Me: “I haven’t left the table, sir.”

    Customer: “Then how do you expect the salsa to get here? Magic?”

    Me: “I was taking the rest of your party’s order, sir. I’ll go get the salsa right now.”

    Customer: “And will you find out how long until our food comes out?”

    Me: “Sir, I haven’t put in the order yet, because I just finished taking it.”

    Customer: “Is this your first day or something?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’ve been working here since we opened three years ago.”

    (As I am walking back to the kitchen, another table flags me down, ready to order. The same customer gets up from his table and taps me on the shoulder while I am talking to this table.)

    Customer: “I don’t know how long I am supposed to wait for the d*** spicy salsa.”

    Me: “Sir, as soon as I take this table’s order I will literally walk into the cooler and get you some spicy salsa.”

    (I immediately bring him the salsa, and am returning to the computer to put in the orders. He walks across the restaurant and stares at me.)

    Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

    Customer: “This salsa is too spicy.”

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