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    Light Food For Light Thinkers

    | Lancaster, OH, USA | Top

    (My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.)

    Me: “Ok, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.”

    Customer: “So where is y’alls salad bar?”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?”

    Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar sir, I bring it to your table.”

    Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.”

    Me: “No sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not endless?”

    Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.”

    Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?”

    Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell be to bring.”

    Customer: “Well how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?”

    Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.”

    Customer: “But I want all my salad now!”

    Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.”

    Customer: “But I want it now.”

    Me: “Well as soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.”

    Customer: “But I want it now!”

    Me: “So I’ll go and get it for you.”

    (As I finally walk away, I hear him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)

    Now With Extra Meow

    | Gatineau, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there, what would you like?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a BLT sub.”

    Me: “Coming right up…” *makes order*

    Customer: “What’s that thing that looks like cat food?”

    Me: “It’s tuna, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Can I get some of it in my sub?”

    Me: “Sure, but it’s going to cost some extra.”

    Customer: “I don’t mind. I wanna try that cat food.”

    Much Ado About Nothing

    | Scotland, UK |

    (A restaurant customer calls me over to his table with a problem.)

    Me: “Is everything alright?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak. It’s too over-cooked to be called medium rare.”

    Me: “Would you like me to get the chef. sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing love”

    Me: “You…don’t want me to do anything about it?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Uh, alright.”

    (I leave him to it, but five minutes later he calls me over again.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak.”

    Me: “Yes, you just explained it to me.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not.”

    Me: “What would you like me to do about it, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Would you like to speak to the chef?”

    Customer: “I don’t care what you do!”

    (I bring out the chef who resolves the problem; it’s apparently what the customer wanted me to do.)

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 4

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “What’s on your BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “BBQ sauce, cheese and chicken.”

    Customer: “So there’s BBQ sauce, right?”

    Me: “Yup…”

    Customer: “…chicken?”

    Me: “Uh huh…”

    Customer: “…and it’s on a pizza, right? With cheese?”

    Me: “Yes, it has all of those toppings.”

    Customer: “So what makes it a BBQ chicken pizza?”

    Me: “The BBQ sauce, the chicken, and the fact that it’s on a pizza.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Well that just doesn’t sound like it’s possible. I’ll take a large cheese instead!”

    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 2
    You Can Lead A Horse To Water

    A High Credit Limit

    , | Hamilton, ON, Canada |

    (A customer comes up to the register at about 11 pm, looking a little out of it.)

    Customer: “Hi, how much is a double cheeseburger?”

    Me: “With tax, it comes to $1.46.”

    Customer: “Oh…okay…” (Searches through his pockets and comes up with 63 cents.) “Can I pay with this much cash and the rest on debit?”

    Me: “Sure, that’s no problem. I’ll have to do the debit portion first.”

    Customer: “Normally, I’d pay with the whole thing on debit, but I just bought a bunch of pot and I don’t know what’s left in my account.”

    Me: “How did you manage to buy pot with your debit card?”

    Customer: “Oh man! My dealer is so great! He just got one of those portable debit machines! He comes right to my house!”

    Me: “Well, if you could just swipe your card…”

    Customer: “Oh no! I didn’t protect my pin. What if you saw it?”

    Me: “Oh, don’t worry sir, I was over there I wasn’t even watching, and anyways I have a terrible memory.”

    Customer: “Ok, well it’s 6969. That’s my favorite number!”

    (After leaving with his food I had to chase after him, as he had left his debit card in the machine.)

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