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    Variety Is The Vice Of Life

    | Washington DC, USA |

    Me: “Here’s your drink. Are you ready to order your food, or would you like some more time?”

    Customer: “No, I know what I wants. I wants the cheeseburger. That’s all.”

    Me: “OK, what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Sorry – what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Whadya mean what kinda cheese? Reg’lar yella cheese!”

    Me: “OK…and how well done would you like that?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “How well-cooked would you like the burger, sir?”

    Customer: “What you talkin’ ’bout, how well-cooked?”

    Me: “Would you like it cooked rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done?”

    Customer: “Now look – when I go to [another fast food restaurant] and order me a burger, they don’t ask me if I want it cooked! Course I want it cooked. I don’t want no raw meat. Now gimme a d*** cooked burger with some plain ol’ yella cheese!”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    A Very Loose-Knit Family

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

    Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eating with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

    Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

    Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

    Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Must Have Been A Part-Time Thief

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A lady comes in and I hurriedly wiped the table. She eats, finishes, and was about to leave.)

    Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

    (I go check the bus pans.)

    Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

    Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

    Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

    Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

    (At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

    Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

    Customer: “Where did you find them?”

    Coworker: “They were on your door…”

    Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”

    One Plate Of Hot Air, Coming Right Up

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like the tofu & veggie dish, but I want that with no tofu.”

    Me: “Sure! We could add in chicken, or beef, or–”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want that. I just don’t like tofu.”

    Me: “I understand that. I don’t really care for it, myself.”

    Customer: “It’s not even a veggie…Oh, and can I have no veggies in that?”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “I don’t want any veggies in that, either.”

    Me: “So…you want the tofu & veggie dish with no tofu, no meat, and no veggies?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Elemental State Of Confusion

    | California, USA | Top

    (I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

    Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

    (She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

    Me: “Oh OK, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

    Customer: “Without what?”

    Me: “Ice.”

    Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

    Me: “Um…ice cubes.”

    (She looks at me blankly.)

    Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

    Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy…why is it in my glass?”

    Me: “To keep your water cold.”

    Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

    Me: “…”

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