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    Lost In Translation

    | Avon, IN, USA | Bizarre

    (I’m a host at a restaurant and am talking to a customer after ringing them out.)

    Customer: “So, are you in high school?”

    Me: “No, I’m in college.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?”

    Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.”

    Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!”

    Me: “Um…I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.”

    Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Translator.”

    Me: “A translator? Why?”

    Customer: “Because the government kills them.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “It’s true, my husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings the translators knew too much, so they would take them out back and shoot them.”

    Me: “Oh. Wow, that’s…terrible. I guess I won’t be a translator then.”

    Customer: “Good. Remember, become an air traffic controller!”

    Temporal Retentive

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant as a hostess. I see a customer, her young daughter, and her mother on their way out so I bid them farewell.)

    Me: “Have a nice night. Thanks for coming!” *smile*

    (The customer gives me a long stare and then mimics me.)

    Customer: *sarcastically* “Have a nice night…”

    Customer’s mother: “Can I have your store’s phone number and your name? I would like to complain about your behavior!”

    (I don’t know what this is about, but I still give them the phone number. Two hours later…)

    Manager: “Hey, a lady just called and complained about you.”

    Me: “Really? What did she say?”

    Manager: “You told her to have a nice night.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

    Manager: “It was still light outside.”

    Extremely Public Education

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

    Me: “Can I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “I know, I heard you. But why would you ask that question like that?”

    Me: “Um, I need to know what food to have prepared for you.”

    Drive-thru customer: “Don’t get smart with me! I heard what you said, and I would prefer it if you’d word your sentence differently.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. May I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “That’s better! Yes, you may!”

    Me: “Okay, what would you like?”

    Drive-thru customer: “I’m not sure yet. Give me a minute!”

    Pretty In Puke

    | New York, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a customer eating at a restaurant which has a house challenge: if you eat one of their extra large pizzas by yourself, you’ll get it free and get your name and picture on the wall. I’m watching another customer who has eaten half the pizza when this happens:)

    Chef: “You having trouble there, buddy?”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I got this…”

    (The customer takes another bite, chokes it down and throws up on the floor.)

    Chef: “Woah, woah! Someone get that cleaned up. Buddy, I think you need to stop.”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I can do this!”

    (The customer vomits again.)

    Chef: “Alright that’s it. You gotta quit, both for your sake and mine.”

    Me: “He’s spitting out more than he’s eating.”

    Customer: “Man just…gimme like two minutes and I’ll be okay.”

    Chef: “Tell you what, you get outta my store and I’ll give you the pizza for half-off.”

    Customer: “No way, I can do this! You just watch! You watch me right here, right now!”

    (He takes another couple bites, but doesn’t vomit this time.)

    Chef: “Look buddy, you puked. That automatically disqualifies you. Just go on home before I gotta throw you out.”

    Customer: “Nooooo! You don’t get it bro, I gotta do this!” *forces more pizza in his mouth*

    Chef: “Sorry buddy, but that’s it. You’re torturing yourself.”

    (The chef and another customer drag the guy outside, and that was the last I saw him that night. I later found out that the guy showed up the next day at the restaurant in a pink dress. Apparently, he had a bet with his friend that if he didn’t eat the whole pizza, he’d have to wear the dress for a day…)

    Intentions As Clear As Glass

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer comes up to the cash register holding her bill in one hand and a half-full glass of soda in the other. She sets the bill on the counter and hands me the glass.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. Did your waitress forget to bring you a to-go cup?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I’m all finished, thanks.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll just take this back to the dish-room to have it washed.”

    Customer: “Actually, could you just empty it and bring it back up here?”

    Me: “You mean empty it into a to-go cup?”

    Customer: “No, just dump the soda out and bring me the empty glass.”

    Me: “What are you going to do with an empty glass?”

    Customer: “Shove it in my purse and haul my a** out of here!”

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