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    When Super-Sized Burgers Meet Bite-Sized Brains

    , | NSW, Australia | Food & Drink

    (At the fast food restaurant where I work, we’ve just introduced a burger that is very large. Three customers come into the store…)

    Customer #1: “Can I get that new burger?”

    Me: “Sure, would you like anything else?”

    Customer #2: “Oh my God! You’re getting the new burger?!”

    Customer #1: “Yeah!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Hey, would that burger fit in my mouth?” *opens his mouth wide*

    Me: “No, sir. I seriously believe it won’t.”

    Customer #2: “What about now?” *opens bigger*

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer #2: “NOW?” *opens it as large as he possibly can*

    Me: “No.”

    Customer #3: “I apologise for his small mouth.” *hits the second customer on the head*

    Me: “That’s okay.”

    Customer #3: “So, would it fit in mine?” *opens mouth*

    Me: “No it won’t, sir…”

    The (ever)Last(ing) Supper

    , | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    (I work as a cook at a pizza place. A tall and thin customer comes in and begins to place an order with the cashier.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I want the large pepperoni.”

    Cashier: “For here?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Cashier: “Would you like anything with that?”

    Customer: “Yeah, let me have the spaghetti dinner.”

    Cashier: “Oh, did you want that instead of the pizza?”

    Customer: “Naw, I want the pizza too. Can I get extra garlic bread?”

    Cashier: “Um, sure.”

    Customer: “Sweet. Can I also get one of them open-faced sandwiches? The roast beef and cheese…and can you add some sausage to the sandwich too?

    Cashier: “Yeah…”

    Customer: “…and a salad. What kind of salad do you have?”

    Cashier: “Well, we have a small side salad, or a larger dinner salad…”

    Customer: “Well…”

    Me: *speaking over the counter* “We also have the antipasto salad! It’s pretty big!”

    Customer: “Yeah! I want that!”

    Cashier: “Um…is there anything else?”

    Customer: *looks around, and sees the bags of potato chips on
    display*
    “Yeah, those look good. Give me two bags of chips!”

    Cashier: “Okay…is there anything else?”

    Customer: “Naw, I think that’s it.”

    Cashier: “Do you need us to box up any of this to go?”

    Customer: “Naw.”

    Cashier: “Will you have anything to drink with this?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, I totally forgot! I’ll have a small Coke!”

    (When we finally brought the food out to the customer, it was a LOT of food. Surprisingly, the customer stayed in the restaurant for over 4 hours, and he ate almost everything!)

    Not How You A-Dress A Customer

    , | Manchester, UK |

    Me: “Hello, [pizza delivery]. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order some pizzas, please.”

    Me: “No problem.”

    (The call proceeds normally; she orders two pizzas and we make a little small talk.)

    Customer: “Can you deliver them, please?”

    Me: “Sure, address?”

    Customer: *long pause* “Pardon?”

    Me: “The address?”

    Customer: *long pause again* “I’d like to speak to your manager now, please.”

    Me: “Is there a problem?”

    Customer: “Just put your manager on!”

    (I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “Hello, what appears to be the issue?”

    (The manager talks with the customer for a while. He eventually hangs up, throws the order slip in the trash, and bursts out laughing.)

    Me: “What was all that about?”

    Manager: “She thought you were asking if she was wearing ‘a dress’ and wanted to complain.”

    Lost In Translation

    | Avon, IN, USA | Bizarre

    (I’m a host at a restaurant and am talking to a customer after ringing them out.)

    Customer: “So, are you in high school?”

    Me: “No, I’m in college.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s great! What do you want to do with your degree?”

    Me: “Well, I’m majoring in history. I want to get a Ph.D. and be a professor.”

    Customer: “Oh, you shouldn’t do that. You should be an air traffic controller!”

    Me: “Um…I don’t know if that’s the right job for me. It would be a little too stressful.”

    Customer: “But you know what the worst job in the world is?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Translator.”

    Me: “A translator? Why?”

    Customer: “Because the government kills them.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “It’s true, my husband was in the Navy for 35 years, and after secret meetings the translators knew too much, so they would take them out back and shoot them.”

    Me: “Oh. Wow, that’s…terrible. I guess I won’t be a translator then.”

    Customer: “Good. Remember, become an air traffic controller!”

    Temporal Retentive

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I work at a restaurant as a hostess. I see a customer, her young daughter, and her mother on their way out so I bid them farewell.)

    Me: “Have a nice night. Thanks for coming!” *smile*

    (The customer gives me a long stare and then mimics me.)

    Customer: *sarcastically* “Have a nice night…”

    Customer’s mother: “Can I have your store’s phone number and your name? I would like to complain about your behavior!”

    (I don’t know what this is about, but I still give them the phone number. Two hours later…)

    Manager: “Hey, a lady just called and complained about you.”

    Me: “Really? What did she say?”

    Manager: “You told her to have a nice night.”

    Me: “What’s wrong with that?”

    Manager: “It was still light outside.”

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