Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 2

| Arlington, VA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m packing a carry-out order for someone who ordered two of each item: one regular, one gluten-free.)

Me: “There’s your order. It’s all ready to go.”

Customer: “Which of the chickens is gluten free?”

Me: “The one on top. I put a little gluten-free sticker on it.”

Customer: “Oh. Which of the soups is gluten free?”

Me: “Well, I put the sticker on this one. But the soup actually has no gluten to begin with.”

Customer: “Oh. But I can eat the gluten. It’s my friend that can’t.”

Me: “I see. Well, neither of the soups has wheat products, so you’re fine.”

Customer: “Oh.” *seems to be waiting* “Shouldn’t you put the gluten back in mine?”

Related:
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought

No Reservations About Reservations

| Hamburg, Germany | Uncategorized

(The time is exactly 7:42pm.)

Customer: “Hello. I’d like to make a reservation for two this evening, please.”

Me: “Absolutely. What time will you be back?”

Customer: “At a quarter to 8.”

(I wait to see if this is a joke.)

Me: “So, for right now?”

Customer: *completely deadpan* “Yes.”

A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 3

| Silverdale, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like Swiss cheese, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll take Provolone then.”

Me: “Sir, I just told you. We only carry American, Pepperjack, Cheddar, and a shredded Cheddar. It is on the sign right here.”

Customer: “Then I’ll have Swiss.”

Me: “I think we have some in back. One moment.”

(My manager takes the American cheese into the back room. He cuts holes in a few of the slices, and brings them back out.)

Me: “Here you are. Swiss cheese.”

Customer: “I knew you guys always hid some in back!”

Related:
A Hole In Your Thinking, Part 2
A Hole In Your Thinking

Manly Beers Are Truly Cosmopolitan

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(The bar has 100 beers on draft and 207 in bottle. We give customers a beer menu due to the large number of beers that are constantly changing.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Can I get you started with something to drink?”

Customer: “I’d like a beer. What have you got on draft?”

Me: “Well, sir, we have 100 beers on draft. I can give you a minute to look over the menu if you like. I know there’s quite a lot to choose from.”

Customer: “I don’t want to read this. Just tell me what you got.”

Me: “I haven’t quite memorized them sir. They change almost every day. I can recommend something if you like. Or you can try one of our beers of the month.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want anything fruity. I’m no pansy see? What dark beers you got?”

(I list a few dark lagers, ports, and stouts. The customer and I go back and forth for a few minutes because he doesn’t recognize anything. I offer to get him samples to make the process easier.)

Customer: “Ah, forget it. I’ll just get a mojito.”

Must Have Settled On Salt & Whinegar

| Oakland, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am working the register. A customer is looking at our retail chips stacked in front of me.)

Customer: “I don’t like this flavor.”

(She picks up a bag of sea salt chips.)

Customer: “I don’t like this kind either. It’s too salty.”

(She grabs a bag of jalapeno chips.)

Customer: “These ones are too spicy.”

(This goes on for a minute or so. She eventually finds something she likes and places it at the register.)

Me: “Hi there. How are you today?”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t complain.”

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