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    His Heart Just Wasn’t In It

    | Saint Clair Shores, MI, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (A customer looks like he is in a huge hurry. After 5 minutes of looking at the menu, he orders a grilled sandwich.)

    Me: “It will take a little longer for the grilling.”

    Customer: “I only have 5 minutes.”

    Me: “Well I suggest you not get it grilled because it will take about 8 minutes.”

    Customer: “I want it grilled and I want it in 5 minutes!”

    (After 5 minutes of the customer pacing up and down, he comes up to the counter.)

    Customer: “I need the sandwich now!”

    Me: “Ok, it’s being wrapped up for you sir.”

    Customer: “I am a heart surgeon, and I have a critical patient that I’m supposed to be operating on right now! I was supposed to be there a half hour ago!”

    (I give him his sandwich and he hurries out the door. Five minutes later, he rushes back4 through the door.)

    Customer: “I need extra Russian dressing!”

    Stealthy Healthy

    | Queensland, Australia | Food & Drink

    Customer: “You don’t have anything healthy on the menu!”

    Me: “Well, the salmon is–”

    Customer: “Yuck! No one eats salmon! You people have no healthy options on this menu!”

    Me: “The steak is extremely lean and grilled. You can have it with the vegetables, or the salad with no dressing.”

    Customer: “Yuck! I hate steak! And I am not having vegetables!”

    Me: “The tuna steak is–”

    Customer: “Yuck!”

    Me: “Or you could try the–”

    Customer: “There is nothing healthy on this menu! Give me a bowl of chips. With gravy. And cheese.”

    Seven Of Nine

    | Lafayette, IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Uh…how many pieces are in your nine piece bucket?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Seven. I’m taking two out for you asking that question.”

    Customer: “Seven? That’s a good deal!”

    No Vocation For Location

    , | Fargo, ND, USA | Food & Drink, Money

    Customer: “Can I have a [competitor's burger] please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t do that burger. The [competitor] is across the street.”

    Customer: “But I have a coupon.”

    Me: “That does not change the fact that we don’t serve that burger here.”

    Customer: “Can you read, mister?”

    Me: “Very well.”

    Customer: “Well, I can, too! The coupon says available at all locations, smart-a**!

    Related:
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
    No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
    No Fortitude For Longitude
    No Aptitude For Latitude

    Unconcentrated Juice

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]. My name is Julie and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?"

    Customer: “Where am I?!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks…straight.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”

    Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me, the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”

    (I bring them the vodka.)

    Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”

    (3 vodkas later.)

    Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”

    Customer: “You smell nice. And you have good juice.”

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