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  • No Wonder He’s Always Stuffed

    | Watertown, NY, USA |

    (Seated at one of my tables is a grown woman. Placed across from her is a stuffed animal.)

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant]. Can I start you off with a drink?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a diet coke.”

    Me: “Okay, one diet–”

    Customer: *gestures to stuffed animal* “…and he’ll have
    our house wine.”

    Me: *laughs, playing along* “He doesn’t look over 21, ma’am.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Oh, you’re right. He’ll just have a lemonade, then.”

    Burn Me Twice, Flame On Me

    , | Australia |

    (Note: I’m a customer and overhear this conversation.)

    Worker: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

    Customer:“I bought this garlic bread, and I burnt my hands and my mouth.”

    Worker: “Oh, how did you burn both?”

    Customer: “It was too hot in my hands, so I put it in my mouth…”

    Mmm, Hemoglobin

    | Lancashire, UK |

    (I am cleaning down the kitchen and I manage to cut my hand rather badly. There are no bandages in the kitchen so I wrap it in a cloth and go to find my manager out front.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, we’re ready to order our dessert.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to find a bandage at the moment. Could it wait a minute?”

    Customer: “Well, I only wanted some ice cream.”

    Me: *shows hand* “You want blood with that?”

    Customer: “Chocolate sauce, maybe?”

    Minor Dramas Are Major For Minors

    , | Indianapolis, IN, USA |

    (The customer rips the lid off of the shake I just hand her and frowns.)

    Customer: “What is this?”

    Me: “That’s a vanilla shake.”

    Customer: “No it isn’t. I want a vanilla shake.”

    Me: “Well, I made it myself so I promise you it’s vanilla. Would you like me to remake it?”

    Customer: “No, I just want a vanilla shake! This doesn’t look like vanilla at all. It’s all yellow.”

    Me: “Ah, the vanilla syrup gives the shake a yellow tinge. It’s
    supposed to look like that.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s not ME you have to convince, it’s the seven year-old in the car. He won’t be happy!”

    Immeasurable Confusion

    | Santa Monica, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, [pizza place].”

    Customer: “Hi, it says you have a nine inch small pizza. How big is that?”

    Me: “Nine inches, six slices.”

    Customer: “But how big is it?”

    Me: “The diameter of the pizza is approximately nine inches. There are six slices.”

    Customer: “Like, ok, but you already told me that. How big is it?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what other metric to use. The pie is slightly smaller across than a third of a meter.”

    Customer: *brief pause* “Okay, what size is the medium?”

    Me: “Twelve inches, six slices.”

    Customer: *another brief pause* “The small has six too. So they’re the same size?!”

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