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    Love The Life Choice, Hate The Life

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA |

    (A woman called in to make a reservation.)

    Woman: “Hi, I’m a vegetarian, what can you do for me?”

    Host: “Well, I can check with the kitch–”

    Woman: *interrupting* “And I don’t wanna hear pasta, tofu or vegetables!”

    Host: “Well ma’am, what did you have in mind?”

    Woman: “I don’t know, but everywhere I call offers me that, and I don’t like any of it!”

    Now In Original & Extra Bandwidth Flavor

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (I work at a sandwich place, where we have signs up promoting free Wi-Fi. A uninformed lady comes in to the store.)

    Lady: *looking the menu over and over* “How big is the serving of free Wi-Fi?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, can you say that again?”

    Lady: “The serving of Wi-Fi, how big is the free portion? Can I pay extra and get a bigger one to share with my husband, or can we get two cups for free?”

    Me: “The Wi-Fi is a signal for computers that can connect to the internet wirelessly…it isn’t something edible.”

    (She looks around for a long time, checks her phone and then walks out.)

    Variety Is The Vice Of Life

    | Washington DC, USA |

    Me: “Here’s your drink. Are you ready to order your food, or would you like some more time?”

    Customer: “No, I know what I wants. I wants the cheeseburger. That’s all.”

    Me: “OK, what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Sorry – what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Whadya mean what kinda cheese? Reg’lar yella cheese!”

    Me: “OK…and how well done would you like that?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “How well-cooked would you like the burger, sir?”

    Customer: “What you talkin’ ’bout, how well-cooked?”

    Me: “Would you like it cooked rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done?”

    Customer: “Now look – when I go to [another fast food restaurant] and order me a burger, they don’t ask me if I want it cooked! Course I want it cooked. I don’t want no raw meat. Now gimme a d*** cooked burger with some plain ol’ yella cheese!”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    A Very Loose-Knit Family

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

    Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eating with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

    Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

    Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

    Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Must Have Been A Part-Time Thief

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A lady comes in and I hurriedly wiped the table. She eats, finishes, and was about to leave.)

    Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

    (I go check the bus pans.)

    Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

    Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

    Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

    Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

    (At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

    Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

    Customer: “Where did you find them?”

    Coworker: “They were on your door…”

    Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”


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