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    Let There Be Light(ers)

    | Houston, TX, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Do you have any tables available outside?”

    (They look straight ahead to the patio and cut me off before I can say a word.)

    Customer: “Oh, never mind. The sun is shining in the direction of the patio.”

    Me: “We have a second patio on the other side of the restaurant.”

    (I am about to lead them there when the customer realizes there is a non-smoking sign.)

    Customer: “Oh, never mind. I need to be able to smoke. I guess we’ll take the patio with the sunlight shining.”

    (I am taking them out to their table when the customer’s wife turns and smiles to me.)

    Customer’s wife: “We just don’t want to get cancer from the sun.”

    Lights Aren’t The Only Thing A Bit Dim

    | UT, USA | Uncategorized

    (Two customers come in and stand for a minute looking at the menu.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

    Customer #1: “Jeez, you guys need to turn on some more lights in here! I can barely see the menu!”

    (There is an extended pause as his friend and I stare at him.)

    Customer #2: “Maybe because you’re still wearing your sunglasses?”

    (He pauses, and then takes off the sunglasses.)

    Customer #1: “Oh.”

    Eating Steak On Rare Occasions

    | Scranton, PA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I would like the 12 oz. New York Strip.”

    Me: “Excellent, sir. How would you like that prepared? There is a description of all of our options on your menu.”

    Customer: “Rare! And I mean extra rare! I want the cow to still be mooing on my plate!”

    Me: “Alright, sir. We can do that for you. Would you–”

    Customer: “I need you to write extra rare! I want it dripping blood. That is how a real man eats steak! That burnt stuff isn’t for real men! Extra rare!”

    (This continues for a few minutes, until I assure the customer that I will speak to the manager in order to be sure that his steak is extra rare. I put in an order for a ‘Black and Blue’. This steak is more rare than the usual; the inside is cool and the outside seared. As promised, I tell the manager about the customer’s specific request. After I serve the food, I get flagged down by the customer.)

    Customer: “What is this? This is cold! How long has it been sitting there?”

    Me: “Sir, I assure you I brought your dishes out as soon as they were finished.”

    Customer: “Then what is wrong with your cooks? They don’t bother cooking my food? Why is it cold?”

    Me: ”Sir, you ordered your steak to be extra rare. As it explains on the menu, this means that the internal temperature of the steak will be cool.”

    Customer: “What is wrong with you people? Who wants a cold steak? I never said I wanted a cold steak! I saw extra rare! That means the middle part is pink and hot! Who can eat this raw cold
    stuff!”

    Me: ”I apologize for the misunderstanding, sir. I can alert the management and have them make another steak for you.”

    Customer: “No! I am not eating anywhere that sells food raw! This is disgusting. You people should be reported! Come on honey, let’s go to that sushi place next door!”

    Less Twilight, More Daylight, Part 2

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Top

    (I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Are…are you a vampire?”

    Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*

    Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”

    Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”

    (I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)

    Customer, to my manager: “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”

    Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”

    (The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

    Related:
    Less Twilight, More Daylight

    Doesn’t Have The Drive To Succeed

    , | Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

    Me: “Just drive around to the next window and your order will be ready there.”

    Customer: *looks worried* “Where is the next window?”

    Me: “Just around the corner.”

    Customer: “But I can’t see it.”

    Me: “That’s because it’s around the corner. Drive around the corner and you will.”

    Customer: “I hope I don’t get lost!”

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