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    Half A Brain And A Pound Foolish

    , | TN, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Would you like to try our new Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger?”
     
    Customer: “Nope. I want a… I’m not sure what it is called. But it has BBQ sauce, bacon, cheese and all that.”
     
    Me: “Okay, that is our Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger.”
     
    Customer: “Yeah, sure.”
     
    Me: “Okay, would you like to add fries and a drink for a combo?”
     
    Customer: “Nope, no combo.”
     
    Me: “Okay, would you like the quarter, third, or half pound for that?”
     
    Customer: “For what?”
     
    Me: “The size of the meat patty; you can get either the quarter, third, or half pound.”
     
    Customer: “I’m not stupid; I can read a sign. Is the half pound the biggest?”
     
    Me: “Yes, sir.”
     
    Customer: “So, the quarter-third is next size down?”
     
    Me: “No, sir. Those are two different sizes. The third is smaller than the half, but larger than the quarter. The quarter is smallest of all.”
     
    Customer: “Oh, okay. I will have the quarter-third.”

    (I contemplate for a moment, then ring him up for a third pound.)
     
    Me: “Okay, is that going to complete your order today?”
     
    Customer: “What about some fries and a coke?”

    Se Habla Japañol

    , | Springfield, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

    Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

    Customer: “Hablas español?”

    (I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

    Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

    Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

    Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

    Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

    Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

    Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

    Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

    (The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

    Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

    Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

    Gluing Up Appearances

    | North Carolina, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Uncategorized

    (This happened while I was working at an upscale restaurant in North Carolina. It’s during one of the worst droughts in history.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, here is your table. It’s right by the window as requested.”

    Customer: “Can we have another table?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’d be glad to move you to another table, but this is the only one available near a window.”

    Customer: “Well, I just don’t want to look out at the dead tree.”

    Me: “Dead tree?”

    Customer: “Yes, you see that dead tree out there? Honestly, your groundskeeper should be doing a better job.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s because we are currently in a drought.”

    Customer: “So? He should at least water it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s against the law to water lawns and trees right now.”

    Customer: “Well, he should at least go and glue some fake leaves to the tree!”

    Please, Take A Crap

    | West Midlands, UK | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a crap, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I’d like a crap with sugar and lemon, please.”

    Me: “Oh, I see! A crepe with sugar and lemon.”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s what I said. A crap with sugar and lemon!”

    Hot Flashes Of Inspiration

    , | Minnesota, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Here’s your change, ma’am. Have a great day!”

    Customer: “Oh, how pleasant! Excuse me dear, but what is your name?”

    Me: “Why, it’s Katie.”

    Customer: “Katie, huh? Katie… what a gorgeous name! Why, if I hadn’t already gone through menopause, I would have named one of my kids after you!”

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