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    Pretty In Puke

    | New York, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a customer eating at a restaurant which has a house challenge: if you eat one of their extra large pizzas by yourself, you’ll get it free and get your name and picture on the wall. I’m watching another customer who has eaten half the pizza when this happens:)

    Chef: “You having trouble there, buddy?”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I got this…”

    (The customer takes another bite, chokes it down and throws up on the floor.)

    Chef: “Woah, woah! Someone get that cleaned up. Buddy, I think you need to stop.”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I can do this!”

    (The customer vomits again.)

    Chef: “Alright that’s it. You gotta quit, both for your sake and mine.”

    Me: “He’s spitting out more than he’s eating.”

    Customer: “Man just…gimme like two minutes and I’ll be okay.”

    Chef: “Tell you what, you get outta my store and I’ll give you the pizza for half-off.”

    Customer: “No way, I can do this! You just watch! You watch me right here, right now!”

    (He takes another couple bites, but doesn’t vomit this time.)

    Chef: “Look buddy, you puked. That automatically disqualifies you. Just go on home before I gotta throw you out.”

    Customer: “Nooooo! You don’t get it bro, I gotta do this!” *forces more pizza in his mouth*

    Chef: “Sorry buddy, but that’s it. You’re torturing yourself.”

    (The chef and another customer drag the guy outside, and that was the last I saw him that night. I later found out that the guy showed up the next day at the restaurant in a pink dress. Apparently, he had a bet with his friend that if he didn’t eat the whole pizza, he’d have to wear the dress for a day…)

    Intentions As Clear As Glass

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer comes up to the cash register holding her bill in one hand and a half-full glass of soda in the other. She sets the bill on the counter and hands me the glass.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, Ma’am. Did your waitress forget to bring you a to-go cup?”

    Customer: “Oh, no, I’m all finished, thanks.”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll just take this back to the dish-room to have it washed.”

    Customer: “Actually, could you just empty it and bring it back up here?”

    Me: “You mean empty it into a to-go cup?”

    Customer: “No, just dump the soda out and bring me the empty glass.”

    Me: “What are you going to do with an empty glass?”

    Customer: “Shove it in my purse and haul my a** out of here!”

    Light Food For Light Thinkers

    | Lancaster, OH, USA | Top

    (My table has just ordered our unlimited soup and salad.)

    Me: “Ok, I’ll go ahead a put this in for you and be right back with your salad and bread.”

    Customer: “So where is y’alls salad bar?”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: *speaking slowly* “The sal-ad ba-ar. Where is it?”

    Me: “Um, we don’t have a salad bar sir, I bring it to your table.”

    Customer: “You bring the salad bar to the table?.”

    Me: “No sir, I bring out a bowl of salad for everyone at the table to share.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not endless?”

    Me: “Yes, it still is endless, I bring out as much salad as you want.”

    Customer: “How you gonna know how much I want?”

    Me: “I bring out as many bowls as you tell be to bring.”

    Customer: “Well how am I supposed to know how many to tell you when I don’t even know how much is in one?”

    Me: “After I bring out the first bowl, you can tell me if you’d like some more.”

    Customer: “But I want all my salad now!”

    Me: “We don’t bring out all the salad at once so you get the freshest product possible.”

    Customer: “But I want it now.”

    Me: “Well as soon as I go back to the kitchen, I can bring it out for you.”

    Customer: “But I want it now!”

    Me: “So I’ll go and get it for you.”

    (As I finally walk away, I hear him say to this to his wife, “So, where’s my salad?”)

    Now With Extra Meow

    | Gatineau, Canada |

    Me: “Hi there, what would you like?”

    Customer: “I’ll take a BLT sub.”

    Me: “Coming right up…” *makes order*

    Customer: “What’s that thing that looks like cat food?”

    Me: “It’s tuna, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Can I get some of it in my sub?”

    Me: “Sure, but it’s going to cost some extra.”

    Customer: “I don’t mind. I wanna try that cat food.”

    Much Ado About Nothing

    | Scotland, UK |

    (A restaurant customer calls me over to his table with a problem.)

    Me: “Is everything alright?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak. It’s too over-cooked to be called medium rare.”

    Me: “Would you like me to get the chef. sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing love”

    Me: “You…don’t want me to do anything about it?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Uh, alright.”

    (I leave him to it, but five minutes later he calls me over again.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “This is not a medium rare steak.”

    Me: “Yes, you just explained it to me.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not.”

    Me: “What would you like me to do about it, sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t want you to do a thing.”

    Me: “Would you like to speak to the chef?”

    Customer: “I don’t care what you do!”

    (I bring out the chef who resolves the problem; it’s apparently what the customer wanted me to do.)

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