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    An Empty Compliment Deserves An Empty Stomach

    | Brisbane, Australia | Food & Drink

    (I am working one day I am serving a man in his late 60′s.)

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Oh, hello! I like your hair!”

    Me: *taken aback* “Oh, thank you!”

    Customer: *beaming* “Just kidding!”

    Carpal Cola, Please

    , | Parkersburg, WV, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (I’m working the register at a college cafeteria when a girl about my age walks up. She has a cast wrapped around her hand and wrist.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I broke my hand. Can I get a free bottle of pop?”

    Me: “Um, I can ask my manager.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (I go to the back office and tell my manager what just happened. He’s a really nice guy, but in this situation he just looks at me in disbelief and says no. I go back out to the register.)

    Me: “Sorry, my manager says no.”

    Customer: “Okay.” *laughs* “It was worth a try!”

    The Freudian Drive-thru

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (This is an ice cream shop with a drive-thru.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, two burgers with bacon.”

    Me: “Sir, we actually don’t have burgers…just ice cream.”

    (Upon hearing this, the customer looks up to see the burger chain next door.)

    Customer: “How did I end up in this line?!”

    Keep That Mustache To Yourself

    | Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

    Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

    Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

    Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

    Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

    Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

    When Life Gives You Melons

    | Plattsburgh, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)

    Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”

    Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”

    Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”

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