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    The A(dobo) Team

    | Lompoc, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, One-Liners

    (I’m a chef at a Filipino restaurant. My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister, are also on duty with me. A customer in his late 20s comes in.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! How are you today?”

    Customer: “Hey, babe. Are you free tonight?”

    Me: “Do you have something you want to order?”

    (The customer gets angry.)

    Customer: “Look, I just asked you if you had any plans tonight! Yes or no?!”

    Me:“Sir, I have a boyfriend. If you don’t want to order anything, please leave.”

    Man: “Ha! What are you gonna do? Huh! Your little boyfriend ain’t gonna do anything to me!”

    Me: “Hannibal! B.A.! Face!”

    (My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister start walking towards the man.)

    Boyfriend: “B.A.? Will you please escort this man out of the premises?”

    (My friend walks towards the customer, cracking his knuckles. The customer runs out of the restaurant.)

    Boyfriend: “I love it when a plan comes together!”

    Sister: “Shut up…”

    Bigotry Unleashed

    | Yonkers, NY, USA | Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Top

    (A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)

    Angry Customer: “Damn f**s.”

    Gay Man: “Excuse me?”

    Angry Customer: “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”

    Gay Man: *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”

    Angry Customer: “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”

    (The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)

    Angry Customer: *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”

    (Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)

    Owner: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”

    Wife: “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”

    Owner: “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant? I gotta assume it’s your pet.”

    (The angry customer stormed out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)

    Caring About The Carers

    | Derbyshire, England, UK | Bigotry, Top

    (A regular customer with a mental disability is currently in the restaurant with his carer. The man comes in every week and is one of the nicest customers we have.)

    Carer: “Hey! Can I have a word please? Do you guys mind that we come in here to eat?”

    Me: “Of course we don’t mind! You’re more than welcome here; don’t be silly! Why do you ask such a thing?”

    Carer: “Oh, thanks! It’s just that that couple over there said that they’d spoken to you, and that you were thinking of the best thing to say to kick us out!”

    Me: “They really said that?! Right, stay here for a moment, please. I’ll be right back.”

    (Although I’m furious, I sweetly approach the couple in question.)

    Me: “Hey guys, I understand you’re having a bit of a problem today. Anything I can do to help?”

    Customer:Finally! Yes, you certainly can help! I want those people over there gone! It’s plain rude that they’d dare be here!”

    Me: “May I enquire as to why you wish for them to be removed from the store?”

    Customer: “People like that shouldn’t be allowed in normal restaurants! I shouldn’t have to put up with it!”

    Me: “Oh, you’re absolutely right, sir! You shouldn’t have to put up with it at all!”

    Customer: “I knew you’d understand!”

    Me: “Yes, completely! That’s why I’m giving you a total of 30 seconds to remove yourself from my store before I ban you completely! And if you dare to say such a disgustingly prejudiced thing about one of my most valued customers again, you’ll have more than just some harsh words to deal with!”

    Customer: “You can’t talk to me like that! How dare you?!”

    Me: “Well, it looks like I just did. Don’t ever bother my customers again. Get out.”

    Customer: “Why should I get out? I have every right to be here!”

    Me: “As does everyone, regardless of how different they may be. You, however, no longer have a right to be here. If I have to ask you to leave again, I will have the police come to remove you.”

    (The couple left, cursing my name and threatening to call to have me fired. When they did ring, I’d already received a pay rise for what I did following a call from my regulars!)

    Tip Of The Entree Iceberg

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a busy Saturday night. During the dinner rush, I have been dealing with a table of two 20-something year old men. The blonde one has found something to complain about every time I’ve walked by while the brown-haired one just blushes and stays quiet. They’ve finished their meal.)

    Blonde Man: “Are you new here?”

    Me: “No, sir. I’ve been a waitress here for two years and three years at [other restaurant] prior.”

    Blonde Man: “Then you have no excuse for how terrible this service was. The salad was wilty, and the entree was way too cold, and you were nowhere to be found. Plus, this place is far too noisy; I could barely hear myself speak! Honestly, I get better service at a fast food place.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. While there isn’t much I can do about the noise, I did offer to bring you different food before, but you said no.”

    Blonde Man: *waves me off* “Just bring me the check, and try not to be so slow about it for once.”

    (I go and get the check, but when I return, the brown-haired man stands up and hands me a $20 bill.)

    Brown-haired Man: “Here, this is your tip. He wasn’t going to give you one. As a former waiter myself, I thought you were doing a perfectly fine job. My food was great, and the service was fast even though you’re so busy right now.”

    (He turns to his blonde companion.)

    Brown-haired Man: “People like you made my job so much worse, especially for making us work that much harder for no tip. So thanks for the meal, but you can go ahead and delete my number because there will be no second date. And by the way, potjevleesch is supposed to be served cold, you idiot.”

    (With that, he left the restaurant without his date. It made the whole night worth it, to see that blonde man speechless for once.)

    Tray Fray

    , | Burlington, VT, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Wild & Unruly

    (Due to new public safety standards, we now have to machine wash all dirty trays instead of merely wiping them down with a disinfectant and paper towel.)

    Me: “You’re order will be right out, ma’am. Thank you.”

    (My coworker brings out her bag of food.)

    Customer: “I said I wanted this for here.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but as I mentioned all our trays are dirty and we’re only bagging the food at the moment. You’re more than welcome to eat in the lobby if you’d like, but we can’t offer you a tray.”

    Customer: “What about those?” *points to dirty pile of trays over a trash can* “Can’t I just have one of those?”

    Me: “Uh, no ma’am. Those are all dirty trays. I can’t give you any of those.”

    Customer: “Just wipe one down; it’ll be fine.”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t do that. It’s against health codes.”

    Customer: “Just wipe it down! You’re just being lazy!”

    (Note: the customer is getting so agitated that other customers are backing away from her.)

    Me: “No, I’m not. I’m really just waiting for the trays to be brought back up from the dish area. They’ll be clean soon.”

    Customer: “God, I can’t believe you’d be so rude and lazy not to give me a tray!”

    (Without warning, the customer throws her bag full of food at my face. It’s filled with cardboard sandwich boxes and hot fries inside, so she takes a solid chunk out of my cheek and I start bleeding.)

    Customer: “That’ll teach you to be rude to a customer!” *shoves two customers out of the way and leaves*

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