Retract The Tract

| FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Religion

(No one at my restaurant likes working the Sunday lunch shift, because it’s full of people who have just come from the nearby church. Most of them are total cheapskates and sometimes they’ll even get in your face about it. This Sunday, I’ve just delivered the check to a young couple.)

Male Customer: “Instead of a tip, I’m just going to give you this tract.”

(He hands me a paper and they both have huge grins on their faces as I can feel my expression turning into an obvious scowl.)

Me: “Oh, uh… thanks.”1

Female Customer: “I think you’ll find everything worthwhile about religion written down there.”

(I open the paper they give me as they get up to leave, and I get two surprises. First is a $20 tip on a $30 check, even though they said they weren’t going to tip me. Second, the paper is completely blank.)

Me: “This, uh… this is a blank paper.”

Male Customer: “We’re atheists.”

Those Very Rare Self-Aware

| WI, USA | Awesome Customers

(I’m acting as greeter at a small, fairly-well off restaurant, when a thunderstorm rolls in, knocking out the power and taking our computer system with it. The power comes back in a half an hour or so, but our computer system is still down, meaning that we can’t bring up our reservation list. Due to this, we just do our best to seat those people who have been waiting, and let those coming in know about the issues we are having.)

Female Customer: “Hello, we have a reservation for two under [Name].”

Me: “All right. Unfortunately, the storm knocked out our power, so our computers are down and we don’t have our reservation list. However, we should have a table opening up for you in about five to ten minutes.”

Female Customer: “Five to ten minutes! We had a reservation. We slogged our way through this downpour, and now you’re telling me that…” *trails off, then steps back and looks at her husband* “Honey, I am very sorry, but I must go kill myself. I’ve become what I hate.”

Male Customer: *nods slowly* “Yes, I noticed, but I wasn’t sure how to break it to you.”

(They actually turned and left!)

A Sudden Change In Attitude

, | USA | Uncategorized

(I’m taking money in the drive-thru.)

Me: “Hello, sir, your total was $10.03.”

Customer: *shoves a stack of bills in my hands* “That’s 11.”

Me: “All right.” *I proceed to count the bills*

Customer: “What are you doing? You don’t need to count them! I told you there were 11, so just type in 11 and give me my change!”

Me: “Sir, I have to check to see how much money you handed me. Even if you tell me I still have to count it.”

Customer: That’s bulls***! How can you be so distrusting? I’m not trying to scam you. If I say I gave you 11, then I gave you 11 dollars! God, you’re so rude. I can’t believe this.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. Here’s $1.97 for your change.”

Customer: “Wait, what?”

Me: “You gave me 12. Not 11. That’s why I count everyone’s money. More often than not, people give me too much money by accident.”

Customer: “Oh… yeah. Thanks, I guess.”

(That wasn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.)

Cappuccino-no

, | SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

(I’m waitressing when one of our baristas calls me over. She asks me to go to one of the tables and confirm that the elderly customer had ordered a long black and a cappuccino, as she had forgotten to write it down. The customer confirms this, and I take the order out to the customer and her husband who has now joined the table.)

Me: “Okay, long black?”

Customer: “Thank you.”

Me: “And your cappuccino, sir.”

Customer: “That was supposed to be a flat white!”

Me: “I’m so sorry; I thought I confirmed with you that it was a cappuccino.”

Customer: “Yes, but I forgot what my husband usually orders!”

(The husband spoke up and half-heartedly told me a cappuccino will do. I apologised again and then walked off wondering what part I had to be sorry for!)

A Big Gap In Their Knowledge

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

Me: “Hi—”

Customer: *cuts in* “Hey, I see a couple outside eating this thing. I don’t know what’s the name of it.”

Me: “Um… could you please describe it to me?”

Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it, it’s a… it’s a big thing.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I want it!”

Me: “…”

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