(I work on a resort where we rent golf carts out to our guests. I rent a cart out to a guest and her sons. She gets into the cart and I begin explaining how to use it.)

Me: “This is the gas pedal, here. If you push this knob all the way to the left, it will go into drive.”

Guest: “Okay. Like this?”

(She then proceeds to hit the gas pedal and drives up over the curb while screaming.)

Guest’s son: “I think we’ll walk.”

Related:
You Drive Me Crazy

(I’m the resort coordinator and often deal with claims from guests who have had an incident.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [resort]. How may I help you today?”

Guest: *already irate* “You can help me by filing a claim for me! I slipped and fell on your property during my vacation and I deserve compensation.”

Me: “I’m so very sorry that happened to you. Can you please provide me with your name and the dates of your stay so I can pull the incident report?”

(She gives me the information.)

Me: “It seems that your stay with us occurred in 2007, almost three years ago. The report says you didn’t want to file a claim at the time. May I ask why you’re just now contacting us?”

Guest: “You should know! You’re the one that hired that voodoo man!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Guest: “The security guard! The security guard who helped me up! He wiped my memory and his spell just wore off!”

Me: “He wiped your memory?”

Guest: “That’s what I just said, you idiot! Wiped it clean so I wouldn’t sue you people!”

Me: “He wiped your memory? Like a Jedi?”

Guest: “Yes! A Jedi! Now you understand why I have to deal with this now! That voodoo man is evil!”

(I am running a bocce ball tournament, and this guest starts talking to me while I am trying to watch the game and keep score.)

Guest: “You make a lot of money?”

Me: “I make enough.”

Guest: “You know, strippers make a lot of money. I heard of one who makes a thousand dollars a night.”

Me: “Wow.”

Guest: “How old are you?”

Me: “18.”

Guest: “Yeah, you should start now, before s*** starts to sag.”

Me: “…thanks for the advice.”

Guest: “No problem.”

(Note: I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)

Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”

Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple wolves too, and we get a lot of bears.”

Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”

Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”

Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”

Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”

Me: “Thank you for coming to **** National Park. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

Customer: “Thank you. Can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “When do you let the animals out?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “When do you let the animals out?”

Me: “It’s a national park, ma’am.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “The animals are wild.”

Customer: “All of them?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not very safe!” *walks away*