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    A Lack Of Volume Control

    | Cumbria, England, UK | Food & Drink

    Customer: “I’d like a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

    Me: “A pint or a half?”

    (Customer looks confused.)

    Me: “Of bitter shandy?”

    Customer: “A pint and a half.”

    Me: “Of the lager?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of the bitter shandy?”

    Customer: “No, a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

    Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of bitter shandy?”

    Customer: “No, I want a pint and a half of…” *pauses* “Oh, yeah a half of bitter shandy, please.

    Wilt By Association

    | Manchester, UK | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m the only barman on shift and have just told a rather rowdy customer that he’ll have to leave if he doesn’t calm down. However, he starts to mouth off at me instead. A MASSIVE guy who I’ve never met before turns around to watch him.)

    Customer: *to the massive guy* “What the f*** you gonna do? I’ll f***ing take you, I’ll beat the f***ing s*** out of you!”

    Massive Guy: “Hah! No you f***ing won’t. This guy…” *indicates me* “…can chokeslam me, so I’d love to see what he can do to YOU.”

    (The rowdy customer looks up at him, and then looks back at me in surprise.)

    Customer: “Uh… yeah, right. He’s a f***ing twig. He couldn’t do s*** to anyone!”

    (I shrug and start to walk round the bar.)

    Me: “Okay, if you’re so sure, let’s go outside, shall we?”

    (At this, the rowdy customer deflates and backs towards the door.)

    Customer: “Uh… nevermind… I’ll… I’ll take your word for it!” *turns tail and runs*

    Me: *to the massive guy* “Thanks for the help there.”

    Massive Guy: “Don’t worry about it. I hate seeing people try to bully barstaff. You shouldn’t disrespect the guy who gives you beer.”

    (His drinks were free for the rest of the night!)

    A Sign You’ve Gone Overboard Drinking

    | Dublin, Ireland | Extra Stupid

    (Two elderly men are sitting at the bar and are quite drunk. I overhear this part of their conversation.)

    Customer #1: “Was it you or your brother who was drowned at sea?”

    Customer #2: *pauses a few moments* “I think it must have been John. He’s the one that worked on the fishing boat.”