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  • September Theme Of The Month: Overheard!

    Eighteen By A Hair

    | Lancashire, England, UK | Underaged

    (Two boys who are not obviously over 18 come to the bar. By the time I reach them one of them already has his passport out.)

    Me: “Hi there! What can I get for you?”

    Boy #1: “Can I get a Carling and a Dark Fruits?”

    Me: “Sure, can I just see that ID?”

    (Boy #1 hands me his ID and is barely over 18.)

    Me: “Awesome, thanks!” *to Boy #2* “Can I see yours as well?”

    Boy #2: “I don’t have it…”

    Boy #1: “He’s my brother! We have the same birthday!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Boy #1: “Honestly, we’re twins!”

    (I look from the tall, red-haired boy to the much shorter, brown-haired boy, who doesn’t look related to him in the slightest.)

    Me: “Yeah… I’m still going to need to see some ID, please.”

    Boy #2: *dejectedly* “It’s the hair, isn’t it?”

    Their IQ Is Below Zero

    | Portsmouth, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (Whilst taking a customer’s cocktail order on a Friday night:)

    Customer: “Is your ice fresh or frozen?”

    A Lack Of Volume Control

    | Cumbria, England, UK | Food & Drink

    Customer: “I’d like a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

    Me: “A pint or a half?”

    (Customer looks confused.)

    Me: “Of bitter shandy?”

    Customer: “A pint and a half.”

    Me: “Of the lager?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of the bitter shandy?”

    Customer: “No, a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

    Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of bitter shandy?”

    Customer: “No, I want a pint and a half of…” *pauses* “Oh, yeah a half of bitter shandy, please.

    Wilt By Association

    | Manchester, UK | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m the only barman on shift and have just told a rather rowdy customer that he’ll have to leave if he doesn’t calm down. However, he starts to mouth off at me instead. A MASSIVE guy who I’ve never met before turns around to watch him.)

    Customer: *to the massive guy* “What the f*** you gonna do? I’ll f***ing take you, I’ll beat the f***ing s*** out of you!”

    Massive Guy: “Hah! No you f***ing won’t. This guy…” *indicates me* “…can chokeslam me, so I’d love to see what he can do to YOU.”

    (The rowdy customer looks up at him, and then looks back at me in surprise.)

    Customer: “Uh… yeah, right. He’s a f***ing twig. He couldn’t do s*** to anyone!”

    (I shrug and start to walk round the bar.)

    Me: “Okay, if you’re so sure, let’s go outside, shall we?”

    (At this, the rowdy customer deflates and backs towards the door.)

    Customer: “Uh… nevermind… I’ll… I’ll take your word for it!” *turns tail and runs*

    Me: *to the massive guy* “Thanks for the help there.”

    Massive Guy: “Don’t worry about it. I hate seeing people try to bully barstaff. You shouldn’t disrespect the guy who gives you beer.”

    (His drinks were free for the rest of the night!)

    A Sign You’ve Gone Overboard Drinking

    | Dublin, Ireland | Extra Stupid

    (Two elderly men are sitting at the bar and are quite drunk. I overhear this part of their conversation.)

    Customer #1: “Was it you or your brother who was drowned at sea?”

    Customer #2: *pauses a few moments* “I think it must have been John. He’s the one that worked on the fishing boat.”