October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Eighteen By A Hair

| Lancashire, England, UK | Underaged

(Two boys who are not obviously over 18 come to the bar. By the time I reach them one of them already has his passport out.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I get for you?”

Boy #1: “Can I get a Carling and a Dark Fruits?”

Me: “Sure, can I just see that ID?”

(Boy #1 hands me his ID and is barely over 18.)

Me: “Awesome, thanks!” *to Boy #2* “Can I see yours as well?”

Boy #2: “I don’t have it…”

Boy #1: “He’s my brother! We have the same birthday!”

Me: “Okay…”

Boy #1: “Honestly, we’re twins!”

(I look from the tall, red-haired boy to the much shorter, brown-haired boy, who doesn’t look related to him in the slightest.)

Me: “Yeah… I’m still going to need to see some ID, please.”

Boy #2: *dejectedly* “It’s the hair, isn’t it?”

Their IQ Is Below Zero

| Portsmouth, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science

(Whilst taking a customer’s cocktail order on a Friday night:)

Customer: “Is your ice fresh or frozen?”

A Lack Of Volume Control

| Cumbria, England, UK | Food & Drink

Customer: “I’d like a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

Me: “A pint or a half?”

(Customer looks confused.)

Me: “Of bitter shandy?”

Customer: “A pint and a half.”

Me: “Of the lager?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of the bitter shandy?”

Customer: “No, a pint and a half of lager and a bitter shandy.”

Me: “And would you like a pint or a half of bitter shandy?”

Customer: “No, I want a pint and a half of…” *pauses* “Oh, yeah a half of bitter shandy, please.

Wilt By Association

| Manchester, UK | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

(I’m the only barman on shift and have just told a rather rowdy customer that he’ll have to leave if he doesn’t calm down. However, he starts to mouth off at me instead. A MASSIVE guy who I’ve never met before turns around to watch him.)

Customer: *to the massive guy* “What the f*** you gonna do? I’ll f***ing take you, I’ll beat the f***ing s*** out of you!”

Massive Guy: “Hah! No you f***ing won’t. This guy…” *indicates me* “…can chokeslam me, so I’d love to see what he can do to YOU.”

(The rowdy customer looks up at him, and then looks back at me in surprise.)

Customer: “Uh… yeah, right. He’s a f***ing twig. He couldn’t do s*** to anyone!”

(I shrug and start to walk round the bar.)

Me: “Okay, if you’re so sure, let’s go outside, shall we?”

(At this, the rowdy customer deflates and backs towards the door.)

Customer: “Uh… nevermind… I’ll… I’ll take your word for it!” *turns tail and runs*

Me: *to the massive guy* “Thanks for the help there.”

Massive Guy: “Don’t worry about it. I hate seeing people try to bully barstaff. You shouldn’t disrespect the guy who gives you beer.”

(His drinks were free for the rest of the night!)

A Sign You’ve Gone Overboard Drinking

| Dublin, Ireland | Extra Stupid

(Two elderly men are sitting at the bar and are quite drunk. I overhear this part of their conversation.)

Customer #1: “Was it you or your brother who was drowned at sea?”

Customer #2: *pauses a few moments* “I think it must have been John. He’s the one that worked on the fishing boat.”