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    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (I am the after-hours emergency line representative for a property management company. We essentially handle things that are association responsibility and will cost the association money, not the homeowner.)

    Homeowner: “I think someone is breaking into my house!”

    Me: “Did you call the police?”

    Homeowner: “No, why would I do that?”

    Me: “Because we don’t offer security service. We only dispatch people out for things like plumbing emergencies, or broken sprinklers.”

    Homeowner: “What do I do?”

    Me: “Call 911.”

    Homeowner: “Can you do it for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, 911 tracks the location of the caller. If you feel threatened, you need to call 911 right now.”

    Homeowner: “God-d***-it, what the h*** do I pay monthly dues for?” *hangs up*

    How To Deal With A Customer’s Crap

    | Property ManagementTX, USA | Health & Body

    (I am a property manager for a homeowner’s association. I get a call from a homeowner.)

    Homeowner: “Yes, I’m calling to tell you that you need to pick up the dirty diaper in my front lawn.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, that’s not what I do.”

    Homeowner: “Well, somebody needs to pick it up! Who do you think will pick it up if you don’t?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s your house. You’re responsible for maintaining your home. I’m not obligated to clean your lawn.”

    Homeowner: “Well, then you can rot in H*** along with that diaper!”

    Lack Of Heir Conditioning

    | South Carolina, USASouth Carolina, USA | Family & Kids

    Tenant: “The heat in my home hasn’t worked all winter! Do you know how much my children have suffered?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can’t fix the problem if we don’t know about it. Why didn’t you call earlier?”

    Tenant: “I’ve already had my uncle look at the heater. It’s not fixable, and you owe me $60 for having him confirm that.”

    Me: “By law, we have to supply you with heat. We would have replaced your heater and given you wood to burn while doing so.”

    Tenant: “That’s okay. I’m burning the fence.”

    Me: “The privacy fence?”

    Tenant: “Yes! My babies need to be warm.”

    Me: “That’s treated wood.”

    Tenant: “My babies need to be warm!”

    Your Logic Is See-Through

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Caller: “Can you have someone clean the water fountain filter? The water comes out dirty.”

    Me: “Are you sure it’s dirty? Or is it just cloudy? Sometimes we just get air bubbles in the filtration and it looks cloudy.”

    Caller: “No. I put it in a glass and it comes out filthy.”

    Me: “If you set the glass down for a few minutes–”

    Caller: “Yeah, it clears up.”

    Me: “Well then, those are tiny air bubbles. As long as it clears up, that’s just-”

    Caller: “No, but it comes out of the water fountain dirty. People drink from there.”

    Me: “What if you put it into a glass, and leave it for a few minutes?”

    Caller: “Right! Its clean then! The glass cleans it!”

    Me: “Actually, I don’t think it’s the glass.”

    Enough To Make Your Water Boil

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    (I’m an on-site manager for an apartment complex. There is knocking on the door at 2 am.)

    Me: *answering the door in my pajamas* “What’s going on, Miss [Tenant]? Is there an emergency?”

    Tenant: “You need to come quickly! There is water dripping everywhere!”

    Me: “Did you call the emergency pager?”

    Tenant: “No! I couldn’t remember the number and you were closer! You have to come!”

    (When I get to her apartment, I don’t see any water on the floor in the kitchen or bathroom.)

    Me: “Ma’am, where is the leak? I’m not seeing one.”

    Tenant: “The sink! There is water dripping all over!”

    (I walk over and see the faucet dripping a tiny bit.)

    Me: “Is this what you were talking about?”

    Tenant: “Yes!”

    Me: “You got me out of bed for your faucet dripping a tiny bit? Did you try twisting the knobs more?”

    Tenant: “I couldn’t get it to stop and it was keeping me awake!”

    (Turns the knob easily, stopping the drip.)

    Me: “This not considered an emergency. This could have easily waited until at least the morning, if not Monday, when the office is open.”

    Tenant: “Well, if I couldn’t get any sleep, you shouldn’t either!”

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