November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

They Don’t Call Her Dumblesnore For Nothing

| USA | Top

(Someone has been sleeping on a chair poolside for many hours. It’s routine to wake a customer if they’re getting too badly burned.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss? You must wake up. You are getting badly sunburned.”

Customer: *sleepily* “Where am I? Is this Hogwarts?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Narnia?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “Camp Half-Blood?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Customer: *pauses* “Well s***, then.”

Hot Air Doesn’t Just Come From Saunas

| Florence, KY, USA | Health & Body, Top

(I’m the Lifeguard on duty at an indoor pool when there’s a power outage. I must close the sauna for ventilation reasons. I enter, and a customer is sitting inside.)

Customer: “Close the door! You’re letting the heat out!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, it is not safe for you to remain in the sauna because there is no longer adequate ventilation.”

Customer: “It’s a f***ing sauna! There’s not meant to be ventilation, so shut the d*** door!”

Me: “Without proper ventilation, the sauna will overheat and put you at risk for heat stroke.”

Customer: “That’s what lifeguards are for!”

Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2

| Colville, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(A little boy is about to go off the high dive when I stop him. His grandmother, upset, approaches and questions me.)

Grandmother: “Why won’t you let my grandson swim?”

Me: “We don’t believe he is a strong enough swimmer to be safe in the deep end.”

Grandmother: “So can he just go off the high dive?”

Me: “No, if he went off the high dive, he would most likely drown.”

Grandmother: “Well, you are a lifeguard! Isn’t it your job to stop him from drowning? You are discriminating against my grandchildren! You lifeguards are just lazy!”

Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

Let’s Not Make Her A Real Angel

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(A very small child of about 4 walks up to the slide at our pool.)

Me: “I am so sorry sweetie, but you are a bit too small to go down the slide. Maybe next time!”

(The child leaves in hysterics, only to bring back her mother.)

Mother: “Why did you not let my angel go down the slide?”

Me: “She is under 4 feet tall.”

Mother: “Yes, I know. She’s an absolute angel.”

Me: “Our policy clearly states that we cannot let a child under 4 feet tall ride the slide. She could get seriously injured or possibly drown when she reaches the bottom.”

Mother: “Yes, I know, cute as a button!”

Me: “My manager can further explain this to you, but I can’t risk her safety.”

Mother: “But she is my angel!”

Me: “She’s also under 4 feet tall. She could die, ma’am.”

Mother: “Well its not like she can help it! How dare you make my angel feel bad about her height!”

When Water Wings Become Angel Wings

| Aurora, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(Our pool doesn’t allow children who are non-swimmers to be in the pool without their parent. A mom comes in and throws her child in the pool with water wings and goes to leave the pool.)

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot let your child in the pool without you in there with him.”

Customer: “Well, why?”

Me: “It is unsafe for a non-swimmer to be in this deep of water alone.

Customer: “He can swim just fine! I put his wings on.”

Me: “It is possible for him to drown even with wings on.”

Customer: “If he does, just call me and I will come swim with him!”