Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • They Don’t Call Her Dumblesnore For Nothing

    | USA | Top

    (Someone has been sleeping on a chair poolside for many hours. It’s routine to wake a customer if they’re getting too badly burned.)

    Me: “Excuse me, miss? You must wake up. You are getting badly sunburned.”

    Customer: *sleepily* “Where am I? Is this Hogwarts?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Narnia?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Customer: “Camp Half-Blood?”

    Me: “Not even close.”

    Customer: *pauses* “Well s***, then.”

    Hot Air Doesn’t Just Come From Saunas

    | Florence, KY, USA | Health & Body, Top

    (I’m the Lifeguard on duty at an indoor pool when there’s a power outage. I must close the sauna for ventilation reasons. I enter, and a customer is sitting inside.)

    Customer: “Close the door! You’re letting the heat out!”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir, it is not safe for you to remain in the sauna because there is no longer adequate ventilation.”

    Customer: “It’s a f***ing sauna! There’s not meant to be ventilation, so shut the d*** door!”

    Me: “Without proper ventilation, the sauna will overheat and put you at risk for heat stroke.”

    Customer: “That’s what lifeguards are for!”

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2

    | Colville, WA, USA |

    (A little boy is about to go off the high dive when I stop him. His grandmother, upset, approaches and questions me.)

    Grandmother: “Why won’t you let my grandson swim?”

    Me: “We don’t believe he is a strong enough swimmer to be safe in the deep end.”

    Grandmother: “So can he just go off the high dive?”

    Me: “No, if he went off the high dive, he would most likely drown.”

    Grandmother: “Well, you are a lifeguard! Isn’t it your job to stop him from drowning? You are discriminating against my grandchildren! You lifeguards are just lazy!”

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Let’s Not Make Her A Real Angel

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (A very small child of about 4 walks up to the slide at our pool.)

    Me: “I am so sorry sweetie, but you are a bit too small to go down the slide. Maybe next time!”

    (The child leaves in hysterics, only to bring back her mother.)

    Mother: “Why did you not let my angel go down the slide?”

    Me: “She is under 4 feet tall.”

    Mother: “Yes, I know. She’s an absolute angel.”

    Me: “Our policy clearly states that we cannot let a child under 4 feet tall ride the slide. She could get seriously injured or possibly drown when she reaches the bottom.”

    Mother: “Yes, I know, cute as a button!”

    Me: “My manager can further explain this to you, but I can’t risk her safety.”

    Mother: “But she is my angel!”

    Me: “She’s also under 4 feet tall. She could die, ma’am.”

    Mother: “Well its not like she can help it! How dare you make my angel feel bad about her height!”

    When Water Wings Become Angel Wings

    | Aurora, CO, USA |

    (Our pool doesn’t allow children who are non-swimmers to be in the pool without their parent. A mom comes in and throws her child in the pool with water wings and goes to leave the pool.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you cannot let your child in the pool without you in there with him.”

    Customer: “Well, why?”

    Me: “It is unsafe for a non-swimmer to be in this deep of water alone.

    Customer: “He can swim just fine! I put his wings on.”

    Me: “It is possible for him to drown even with wings on.”

    Customer: “If he does, just call me and I will come swim with him!”

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