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    Customers Should Stop Causing Ripples

    | Athens, GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”

    Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”

    They Swim Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine

    | Athens, GA, USA | Family & Kids

    (A day camp comes to my pool every weekday. The kids are on average 7 years old.)

    Girl: “I’m a mermaid!”

    Me: “That’s nice.”

    (Next day…)

    Girl: “I’m a vampire! Gaaargh!”

    Me: “But yesterday you were a mermaid.”

    Girl: “I’m a vampire mermaid! Gaaargh!”

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, can I get a piece of candy?”

    Me:  “Sure, that’s one dollar.”

    Customer:  “Oh. I only have a five.” *starts walking away*

    Me: “Excuse me, Ma’am? I said it’s only a dollar.”

    Customer: “I know. Why would I waste four dollars?”

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3

    | Concord, NC, USA |

    (We are doing rescue and CPR training with the other lifeguards).

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you guys have to do that now with all these people in the pool?”

    Me: “Sorry sir.”

    Customer: “I see this guy in the water and I think he’s drowning. I try to go help him, but he tells me it’s just training.”

    Me: “Sorry for the confusion, sir. Please swim behind this barrier so that the lifeguards can complete their training.”

    Customer: “And other people have pushed their kids out of the way so guys can do your thing! I mean, what would happen if the kids got hurt? What would you do?”

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    The Rule Deep-Ends On How Cute You Are

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    (A man and his son are swimming in the pool. The boy’s mother is sitting in the viewing area until she approaches me. Policy states that proper swim-wear must be worn, i.e. no t-shirts.)

    Mother: “How can you discriminate like this!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about ma’am.”

    Mother: “You won’t let me go swimming with my boy! Look how happy he is, I want to share that with him!”

    Me: “You can go swimming as much as you’d like. You just have to put a swim suit on first.”

    Mother: “Exactly! Look at me! I can’t find a suit that would fit me!”

    Me: “Why, I’m sure that’s not true. I get mine at [local sporting goods store] and they come in many different sizes.”

    Mother: “Yes, but none of those are cute!”

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