November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

No Jellyfish, But Maybe A Few Sharks

| New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “So, I heard you guys are switching to a salt water pool?”

Me: “Yes, we are going to be switching over in the next month or so.”

Customer: “You mean salt, like in the ocean?”

Me: “Yes, we use the same salt that’s found in the ocean, sodium chloride. A machine uses it to generate the chlorine that keeps the pool chlorinated.”

Customer: “So, since you’re pumping in water from the ocean, are there gonna be jellyfish in the pool? Because I really don’t want jellyfish in the pool!”

Water You, Stupid, Part 3

| Greenburg, NY, USA | Extra Stupid

(Every year, there is one day in July where the pool lets everyone in, even if they don’t have a membership. I’m lifeguarding at the diving boards.)

Woman: “Excuse me, lifeguard. How deep is this pool?”

Me: “The diving tank is 13 and a half feet deep.”

(She looks at the water for a few seconds.)

Woman: “So, how does it work? Do you jump in and then, when you’re at the bottom, you just float back up?”

Me: “Um, no, you have to swim.”

Woman: “Oh, then this isn’t for me.”

(She walks away and tells her family the news. They leave disappointed.)

Water You, Stupid, Part 2
Water You, Stupid

They’re Cute Even When Caught

| Hershey, PA, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m lifeguarding the little kid pool, which has a slide in it, when a little girl walks up to me and tugs on my shorts.)

Me: “Yes, hun? What’s up?”

Little girl: “That little boy right there keeps butting in line.”

(She points to a boy climbing out of the slide.)

Me: “Alright, dear. I’ll take care of it.”

(I make eye contact with the boy and motion for him to come over.)

Me: “Some kids are saying you’ve been cutting in line. Have you?”

Little boy: *smiles* “Actually, yes, I have!”

Me: “Are we supposed to cut in line?”

Little boy: “No, we aren’t. Mommy says it’s not nice.”

Me: “Then are you gonna keep cutting in line?”

Little boy: “Not anymore!” *skips away*

The Ks Stand For Karing & Kompassion

| Maryland, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a white male working as a lifeguard at a small neighborhood pool. This pool is members only with a strict pool pass policy. If they don’t have a pass, they can’t enter. A woman walks into the pool area and walks right past the lifeguard table. As she walks away, I stop her.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? Yes, hi. Do you have your pool pass?”

Woman: “No. They were never issued to me.”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “Is it because I used to be a dude?”

Me: “No, ma’am, of course not. You see, we have a very strict ‘No Pass, No Entry’ policy.”

Woman: “Do you know how racist you sound right now?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This is the last time I’ll be treated like this! Just you wait until I tell the KKK about this!” *storms out*

Chroniton & Paste

| Bellevue, WA, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I run the scoring system at swim meets for my local pool.)

Parent: “Do you mind pulling up my son’s race time?”

Me: “No problem. What race?”

Parent: “32.”

(I glance over at the announcer’s table. Race 25 is currently swimming.)

Me: “Oh, so you want his qualification time? Sure, I can pull that up.”

Parent: “No, no. I want his race time.”

Me: “You do realize that the race hasn’t happened yet, right?”

Parent: “Oh, that matters? Okay, then…switch him into an earlier race.”

Me: “Even if I switched him into a race that had already happened, it wouldn’t make your son’s time appear in the system. The computer doesn’t work that way.”

Parent: “It doesn’t?”