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    No Jellyfish, But Maybe A Few Sharks

    | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “So, I heard you guys are switching to a salt water pool?”

    Me: “Yes, we are going to be switching over in the next month or so.”

    Customer: “You mean salt, like in the ocean?”

    Me: “Yes, we use the same salt that’s found in the ocean, sodium chloride. A machine uses it to generate the chlorine that keeps the pool chlorinated.”

    Customer: “So, since you’re pumping in water from the ocean, are there gonna be jellyfish in the pool? Because I really don’t want jellyfish in the pool!”

    Water You, Stupid, Part 3

    | Greenburg, NY, USA | Extra Stupid

    (Every year, there is one day in July where the pool lets everyone in, even if they don’t have a membership. I’m lifeguarding at the diving boards.)

    Woman: “Excuse me, lifeguard. How deep is this pool?”

    Me: “The diving tank is 13 and a half feet deep.”

    (She looks at the water for a few seconds.)

    Woman: “So, how does it work? Do you jump in and then, when you’re at the bottom, you just float back up?”

    Me: “Um, no, you have to swim.”

    Woman: “Oh, then this isn’t for me.”

    (She walks away and tells her family the news. They leave disappointed.)

    Water You, Stupid, Part 2
    Water You, Stupid

    They’re Cute Even When Caught

    | Hershey, PA, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m lifeguarding the little kid pool, which has a slide in it, when a little girl walks up to me and tugs on my shorts.)

    Me: “Yes, hun? What’s up?”

    Little girl: “That little boy right there keeps butting in line.”

    (She points to a boy climbing out of the slide.)

    Me: “Alright, dear. I’ll take care of it.”

    (I make eye contact with the boy and motion for him to come over.)

    Me: “Some kids are saying you’ve been cutting in line. Have you?”

    Little boy: *smiles* “Actually, yes, I have!”

    Me: “Are we supposed to cut in line?”

    Little boy: “No, we aren’t. Mommy says it’s not nice.”

    Me: “Then are you gonna keep cutting in line?”

    Little boy: “Not anymore!” *skips away*

    The Ks Stand For Karing & Kompassion

    | Maryland, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’m a white male working as a lifeguard at a small neighborhood pool. This pool is members only with a strict pool pass policy. If they don’t have a pass, they can’t enter. A woman walks into the pool area and walks right past the lifeguard table. As she walks away, I stop her.)

    Me: “Um, ma’am? Yes, hi. Do you have your pool pass?”

    Woman: “No. They were never issued to me.”

    Me: “Oh, well, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

    Woman: “Is it because I used to be a dude?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, of course not. You see, we have a very strict ‘No Pass, No Entry’ policy.”

    Woman: “Do you know how racist you sound right now?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Woman: “This is the last time I’ll be treated like this! Just you wait until I tell the KKK about this!” *storms out*

    Chroniton & Paste

    | Bellevue, WA, USA | Uncategorized

    (Note: I run the scoring system at swim meets for my local pool.)

    Parent: “Do you mind pulling up my son’s race time?”

    Me: “No problem. What race?”

    Parent: “32.”

    (I glance over at the announcer’s table. Race 25 is currently swimming.)

    Me: “Oh, so you want his qualification time? Sure, I can pull that up.”

    Parent: “No, no. I want his race time.”

    Me: “You do realize that the race hasn’t happened yet, right?”

    Parent: “Oh, that matters? Okay, then…switch him into an earlier race.”

    Me: “Even if I switched him into a race that had already happened, it wouldn’t make your son’s time appear in the system. The computer doesn’t work that way.”

    Parent: “It doesn’t?”

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