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    When Customers Enc-roach

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (I am sitting at the table where we require pool patrons to sign in. It is a slow afternoon early in the season, so I have been given permission to read. A patron enters with his young daughter, and I look up.)

    Customer: “I think they’re mating.”

    (Suddenly, the customer throws a pair of cockroaches on my still-open book. I jump back, let the book fall to the floor, and then stare back at him.)

    Customer: *grins* “Wait ’til I find out what you’re REALLY afraid of!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (I quit two weeks later.)

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 7

    | UK | Bigotry, Bizarre

    (I have just finished swimming at a public pool and am going to get changed. A woman in her early 40s is standing near my locker. I am wearing speedos, but I am 16 and slim so it doesn’t usually bother people.)

    Woman: “You shouldn’t be wearing those.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    (She approaches me and points at my speedos.)

    Woman: “You shouldn’t wear those trunks. They’re what gay people wear!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Woman: “Are you gay?”

    Me: “No, I’m not. I just find them comfortable to swim in.”

    Woman: “Well, if you’re not gay, you shouldn’t be wearing them!”

    (She then grabs the waistband of my speedos and tries to pull them down. Thankfully they’re tied tight. I slap her hands away.)

    Me: “Woah, what the h***?!”

    Woman: “You need to get them off or you’ll become gay!”

    (The sound of her screaming draws the attention of a lifeguard, who wanders over.)

    Lifeguard: “What’s going on here?”

    Woman: “Get away from me!”

    (The woman runs off, leaving me and the lifeguard to look at one another in confusion. I’ve now started swimming at a different pool!)

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m a lifeguard at a large pool in San Antonio. We don’t allow anyone who can’t swim to jump from the diving boards. This particular day, we have two parties, both 40 people large. A young girl is about to jump off the board and has already been told she cannot be in the pool, due to inappropriate swimwear. Her mother approaches me.)

    Mother: “Excuse me, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, it’s my job to watch her, but if I remember correctly, your daughter’s already been told not to get in the pool. She’s not wearing a swimsuit.”

    Mother: “Oh, don’t worry, she’ll only go off once. Just watch her. She can’t swim.”

    (I proceed to blow my whistle and tell the girl to step down. When she walks over, the mother is absolutely livid.)

    Me: “Your daughter’s been told already ma’am. She shouldn’t even be in the pool. Besides that, we don’t allow anyone that can’t swim to go off the boards.”

    Mother: “Are you f***ing kidding me?! This is f***ing ridiculous! All you have to do is watch my f***ing daughter go off the board and make sure she doesn’t drown. How hard is your godd*** job?! Where’s your manager?!”

    (My manager is called over and I explain the situation.)

    Manager: *to the mother* “Let me get this straight: you want my guard to be ready to save your daughter, who can’t swim, instead of just now allowing her off the board, like he’s trained to do?”

    Mother: *blank stare*

    Manager: “Just leave.”

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (An older visitor and his wife approach me at a public swimming pool.)

    Visitor: “How deep is your pool?”

    Me: “It ranges from 3 feet to 12 feet.”

    Visitor: “So the water surface isn’t level?!”

    Me: “No, the water gradually gets deeper, but the surface of the water stays level.”

    Visitor: “That can’t be right! If the water is deeper in some areas than others, the surface can’t be level!”

    (Unsure of how to explain it without sounding patronizing, I tell him to just go look at the water. A few minutes later, he leaves without a word. His wife follows.)

    Visitor’s Wife: *laughing* “I think he gets it now…”

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Burning Ears But No Drowning Fears

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Family & Kids

    (A little girl starts to drown in the kiddie section of the pool and the lifeguard jumps in to save her. The mother of the child pays no attention while she’s sunbathing.)

    Lifeguard: *calmly* “Ma’am, your daughter was just drowning.”

    Mother: “Ugh, I told my other children to keep an eye out for her. Fine, give her to me!”

    Lifeguard: “Just try to be a little more careful, okay?”

    (Incredibly, the mother proceeds to yell at the little girl for drowning and then yells at her other small children for not watching her. The lifeguard sits back down in her chair. A random person who has seen everything walks by.)

    Random Person: “What happened? Is she okay?”

    Lifeguard: “Yeah, the mom just wasn’t paying attention.”

    Mother: *on the other side of the pool* “DON’T SAY I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION!”

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