Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,148 thumbs up)
  • Guarding The Lifeguard

    | Albany, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m a lifeguard at an apartment complex. It’s the end of summer, and some new tenants are at the pool for the first time, the first of whom is pretty muscular. I notice that they’re smoking, which is against the rules.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow smoking in the pool area. Could you please put those out?”

    New Tenant #1: “Really? Come on.”

    New Tenant #2: “You can’t do anything anymore.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it does bother some people.”

    New Tenant #1: “Whatever.”

    (They put out their cigarettes and I go back to my chair. A few minutes later, Tenant #1 gets up and dives into the pool. It’s 4.5 feet deep, and there are signs everywhere forbidding diving.)

    Me: “Sir, there is absolutely no diving at this pool!”

    New Tenant #1: “Man, I’m about ready to throw you over the f***ing fence!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but diving isn’t allowed. There are signs all over the place.”

    New Tenant #1: *flexes menacingly* “Who the f*** do you think you are?”

    Me: “I’m the lifeguard, sir, and it’s my job to enforce the rules. Please don’t do that again, or you’ll have to leave.”

    (Overhearing the commotion, an old tenant speaks up.)

    Old Tenant: “Are you okay?”

    Me: “I’m fine, no problem.”

    (The new tenants go back to their party, and they leave in a minute, still grumbling angrily.)

    Old Tenant: “That jerk! I can’t believe he threatened you like that! You need to tell the manager. I’ll back you up.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, I will. Thank you so much.”

    (The next day, the old tenant told the story to everyone who missed it. A dozen people came up to me and said they had my back if he returned, thanked me for being such a good guard, and apologized for him. On the last day, I got four thank you cards and $80 in tips!)

    When Customers Enc-roach

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (I am sitting at the table where we require pool patrons to sign in. It is a slow afternoon early in the season, so I have been given permission to read. A patron enters with his young daughter, and I look up.)

    Customer: “I think they’re mating.”

    (Suddenly, the customer throws a pair of cockroaches on my still-open book. I jump back, let the book fall to the floor, and then stare back at him.)

    Customer: *grins* “Wait ’til I find out what you’re REALLY afraid of!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (I quit two weeks later.)

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 7

    | UK | Bigotry, Bizarre

    (I have just finished swimming at a public pool and am going to get changed. A woman in her early 40s is standing near my locker. I am wearing speedos, but I am 16 and slim so it doesn’t usually bother people.)

    Woman: “You shouldn’t be wearing those.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    (She approaches me and points at my speedos.)

    Woman: “You shouldn’t wear those trunks. They’re what gay people wear!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Woman: “Are you gay?”

    Me: “No, I’m not. I just find them comfortable to swim in.”

    Woman: “Well, if you’re not gay, you shouldn’t be wearing them!”

    (She then grabs the waistband of my speedos and tries to pull them down. Thankfully they’re tied tight. I slap her hands away.)

    Me: “Woah, what the h***?!”

    Woman: “You need to get them off or you’ll become gay!”

    (The sound of her screaming draws the attention of a lifeguard, who wanders over.)

    Lifeguard: “What’s going on here?”

    Woman: “Get away from me!”

    (The woman runs off, leaving me and the lifeguard to look at one another in confusion. I’ve now started swimming at a different pool!)

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 6

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m a lifeguard at a large pool in San Antonio. We don’t allow anyone who can’t swim to jump from the diving boards. This particular day, we have two parties, both 40 people large. A young girl is about to jump off the board and has already been told she cannot be in the pool, due to inappropriate swimwear. Her mother approaches me.)

    Mother: “Excuse me, would you mind keeping an eye on my daughter?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, it’s my job to watch her, but if I remember correctly, your daughter’s already been told not to get in the pool. She’s not wearing a swimsuit.”

    Mother: “Oh, don’t worry, she’ll only go off once. Just watch her. She can’t swim.”

    (I proceed to blow my whistle and tell the girl to step down. When she walks over, the mother is absolutely livid.)

    Me: “Your daughter’s been told already ma’am. She shouldn’t even be in the pool. Besides that, we don’t allow anyone that can’t swim to go off the boards.”

    Mother: “Are you f***ing kidding me?! This is f***ing ridiculous! All you have to do is watch my f***ing daughter go off the board and make sure she doesn’t drown. How hard is your godd*** job?! Where’s your manager?!”

    (My manager is called over and I explain the situation.)

    Manager: *to the mother* “Let me get this straight: you want my guard to be ready to save your daughter, who can’t swim, instead of just now allowing her off the board, like he’s trained to do?”

    Mother: *blank stare*

    Manager: “Just leave.”

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (An older visitor and his wife approach me at a public swimming pool.)

    Visitor: “How deep is your pool?”

    Me: “It ranges from 3 feet to 12 feet.”

    Visitor: “So the water surface isn’t level?!”

    Me: “No, the water gradually gets deeper, but the surface of the water stays level.”

    Visitor: “That can’t be right! If the water is deeper in some areas than others, the surface can’t be level!”

    (Unsure of how to explain it without sounding patronizing, I tell him to just go look at the water. A few minutes later, he leaves without a word. His wife follows.)

    Visitor’s Wife: *laughing* “I think he gets it now…”

    Related:
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
    Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

    Page 2/812345...Last