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  • Going Too H2-Slow

    | MD, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I work at a gym that’s rather expensive, so all of the clients are rather well off. I’m a lifeguard year round, since they have both an indoor and an outdoor pool.)

    Woman: “Hi. The indoor pool is too cold. My child is absolutely freezing.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can provide your child with warm towels directly from the dryer if he needs to be warmed up quickly.”

    Woman: “No, I just need you to heat up the pool. ”

    Me: “The pool is heated, ma’am, but unfortunately, we can’t directly control the temperature of the pool.”

    Woman: *getting angry* “What do you mean you can’t control it?! Just pour a bunch of hot water in it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there are almost half a million gallons of water in this pool. We couldn’t possibly get enough water to meet your demands.”

    Woman: “Well, you’re not doing your job, then. I’ll be speaking to your manager!” *storms off in a fit of pretentious rage*

    Blind To The Naked Truth

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Health & Body

    (I’m a lifeguard. I get a complaint that the ladies changing room is dirty. I go in to clean it up. I am approached by an elderly patron who is as naked as the day she was born.)

    Patron: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Umm… sure. Go ahead.”

    Patron: “Do you like working in a pool?”

    Me: “Yeah. It’s not the greatest job in the world, but it’s better than working retail or fast food.”

    Patron: “I think I would hate it! I mean, you must see lots of people wearing clothes that they’re too fat for.”

    Me: “Yeah. That happens occasionally. Fortunately, I don’t need to stare at them. I just need to make sure they’re not drowning every thirty seconds or so.”

    Patron: “But still! So many fat people come here! And then you poor souls have to clean up the changing rooms, where so many people walk around completely naked without any shame!”

    (The patron is still standing there in all her naked glory.)

    Me: “Yeah. It’s even more awkward when the patron engages me in a long conversation.”

    Patron: “Exactly! Some people just have no shame!”

    Drowning In Incompetence

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I observe an exchange between a lifeguard, a mother, and the manager. The life guard has just jumped in and saves a three year old from drowning.)

    Mother: “Why did you just grab my kid?”

    Lifeguard: “He had wandered too deep and couldn’t touch the bottom; I pulled him out because he was drowning.”

    Mother: “He was just playing. He was perfectly fine.”

    Lifeguard: “Ma’am, his head was under water and he could not breathe. ”

    Mother: “I DEMAND to see your manager!”

    (The manager, who has witnessed the whole thing, walks over and takes the mother to his office. After about 10 minutes he returns and begins talking to the lifeguard.)

    Manager: “Our business is all about serving our members and what you did is unacceptable.”

    Life Guard: “You mean saving that kids life?”

    Manager: “Yes, the mother says he was just playing and you ruined his fun.”

    (The lifeguard is understandably speechless, so I feel the need to interject.)

    Me: “Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to congratulate this lifeguard on saving that kid’s life.”

    Manager: “He wasn’t drowning; it was just a drill.”

    Me: “Are you kidding?! The kid was under water, flailing, and unable to breathe!”

    Manager: “Really?”

    Lifeguard & Me: “YES!”

    Manager: “Oh, sorry.”

    (The manager walks away.)

    Me: “You need to find a new job.”

    Lifeguard: “No kidding.”

    Who Does She Sink She Is

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Love/Romance

    (I’m a lifeguard at a local pool. My girlfriend stops by on my lunch break. We’re standing near the concession stand when a middle aged woman approaches, dragging a teenage boy behind her.)

    Woman: “You! Young man! Front and center!”

    Me: “How may I help you, ma’am?”

    Woman: “While you were standing around flirting with this… this harlot, my baby almost drowned!”

    (My girlfriend bursts out laughing, and the woman’s 15-year-old “baby” turns bright red.)

    Me: “So sorry, ma’am. I’m not on duty right now, but several other lifeguards are. I’d appreciate it if you refrained from calling other guests vulgar names, though.”

    Woman: “I’m just calling them as I see them! Look at how she’s dressed! Those shorts barely cover her butt!”

    Girlfriend: *trying to hold in her laughter* “I think I’m going to run, babe. Love you.”

    Woman:Love!? You two are not in love! You’ve known each other for thirty seconds and almost caused my baby to drown!”

    Me: *sighing* “Okay, ma’am. I will be back on duty in five minutes.”

    Woman: “Okay! By the way, dear, you could do much better than that harlot!”

    It All Ends Swimmingly

    | USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

    (I teach swim lessons to kids, aged 4-12. Many of the children have lisps or other slight speech impediments, and this particular child is very rambunctious and is pushing himself off the wall of the pool and moving quickly through the water.)

    Child: “I pee’d you!”

    Me: “Wait, what?”

    Child: “I PEE’D YOU!”

    Me: *fearing the worst* “What do you mean by you ‘pee’d’ me?”

    Child: “Look, I’ll do it again!”

    (He pushes off the wall and moves quickly through the water again.)

    Me: “Oh, you mean you torpedoed me!”

    Child: “Yeah! What did you think I meant?”

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