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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Why Don’t You Call The Cops On ‘Em

    | Zephyrhills, FL USA |

    (The number to our police department is only one digit off from a doctor’s office, so we often get wrong numbers.)

    Me: “Police Department.”

    Caller: “My doctor wrote a prescription for me for an X-ray and I need to make an appointment.”

    Me: “Okay, and how can the police department help you?”

    Caller: “Police department?! I was calling Dr. ***’s office! How DARE you answer his phone!”

    Driving While Supplemented

    | Australia |

    (While interviewing a man I had just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

    Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

    Him: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

    Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

    Him: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

    Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

    Him: “Yes, those ones.”

    Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

    Him: “Yes, they are.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”

    Your Urgency Is Not My Emergency

    | Kirkland, WA, USA |

    Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

    9-1-1 caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.”

    Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?”

    9-1-1 caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.”

    Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.”

    9-1-1 caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.”

    Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.”

    9-1-1 caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.”

    9-1-1 caller: “Well that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?”

    Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.”

    Thankfully, He’s Okay … Unfortunately, He’s Still Stupid

    | Buhl, ID, USA |

    Me: “911, is this an emergency?”

    Caller, screaming: “I have been trying to call you on the CB radio for an hour!”

    Me: “We don’t monitor CB radio, do you have an emergency?”

    Caller: “Of course you have CB radio, I see the cops talking on them all of the time!”

    Me: “Those are police radios; they operate on a different radio frequency band. Do you have an emergency?”

    Caller: “F*** you! F***ing lazy b*****d, this lady’s house is burning to the ground while you watch Showtime and ignore the CB!”

    Me: “What is your location, sir?”

    Caller: “I am–”

    (At this time I hear a large BANG and the phone drops. A few moments later the man picks up the phone and tells me that his truck was fully involved and that was his tires exploding. He had parked his truck at the door of the house to load belongings while he tried to call on his CB. Both the house and truck were a total loss.)

    The Joys Of Self Righteousness

    | Unknown Location, USA | Top

    Woman: “Hello, I’d like to report a ticket.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Woman: “I want to report a speeding ticket.”

    Me: “I don’t really have the ability to write tickets over the phone.”

    Woman: “He’s speeding down the road; he must be doing 90mph!”

    Me: “Generally at this time of day we have patrols on every major street.”

    Woman: “I caught up to him and he is doing about 102. His license number is ******.

    (I pretend to write it down so I can end this phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, I’ll get right on mailing this-”

    Woman: “Did it come up?”

    Me: “Yes it did.”

    Woman: “What did it say?”

    Me: “It says the car is stolen.” (It didn’t.)

    Woman: “Oh my god!”

    Me: “And what is your Driver’s License Number?”

    Woman: “Why do you need that?”

    Me: “You are aware it is illegal to drive and talk on your cellphone, right?”

    Woman: *click*


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