(I’m a police officer and have just pulled over a driver for speeding.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Driver: “Yes…I was speeding.”

Me: “Ah, so you know you were speeding.”

Driver: “Yes, but I’ve got a movie due back in eight minutes!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not a real reason to be speeding–”

Driver: “Well, fine! You pay the one dollar late fee!”

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “If anyone calls about screaming coming from **** Road, disregard it. I just had a bug on me.” *click*

Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

Me: “Um…I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

Caller: “Oh!”

(The number to our police department is only one digit off from a doctor’s office, so we often get wrong numbers.)

Me: “Police Department.”

Caller: “My doctor wrote a prescription for me for an X-ray and I need to make an appointment.”

Me: “Okay, and how can the police department help you?”

Caller: “Police department?! I was calling Dr. ***’s office! How DARE you answer his phone!”

(While interviewing a man I had just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Him: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Him: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Him: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Him: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”