Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “I need help, Hurry, Hurry!” *hangs up*

(I try to call back but get no answer. Two officers are sent, this is what I am told happened:)

(The officers are met at the door by the caller.)

Caller: “In the bathroom. Hurry! Hurry!”

(The officers go to the bathroom, but don’t see anything wrong.)

Officer: “What happened? Why do you need the police?”

Caller: “My toilet is plugged up. I need you to fix it.”

Officer: “We don’t fix toilets. You need a plumber. 911 is for emergencies only.”

Caller: “This is an emergency. I need to use the toilet now!”

(I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

(We use a simple chalk-marking system to monitor how long cars have been parked downtown.)

Man: *seeing me make a small chalk mark on a car tire* “Hey! You can’t do that!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I can.”

Man: “That’s illegal!”

Me: *marking the next car* “How is it illegal?”

Man: “It’s against the Fourth Amendment!”

Me: “You mean the Fourth Amendment, which protects you from unlawful searches and seizures?”

Man: “Don’t get medical with me!”

Me: “Police Department, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes. I’m over at the truck stop and there’s a girl here selling perfume. But she’s going around to all the truckers and flashing them. I think she’s selling more than perfume.”

Me: “Alright sir, I can dispatch an officer. Can you describe the girl to me?”

Caller: “Oh, about a B cup. Not too bad but nothing you would want to go home and brag to mom about.”

Me: “Er…what about her hair color and skin color?”

Caller: “Oh…I guess your question makes more sense now.”

(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving…you are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver, how dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home…why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”

Related:
Driving Miss Crazy