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    So Much For Spit & Run

    , | Copenhagen, Denmark | At The Checkout, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (In our store, all cash registers have a button that’ll ring a bell in out lunchroom and back room if a cashier is in danger. I hear the bell ring, and run out to find my boss, who has also run out to check on the cashier.)

    Boss: “What happened?”

    Cashier: “A customer threatened to beat me over short change, even though I gave him the correct change. He just left a second ago!”

    (My boss and I walk out the store and quickly spot the customer in question. He’s not hard to miss, as he’s now cursing at his wife.)

    Me: “Did you threaten my coworker?”

    Customer: “Yeah. So?!”

    Boss: “I’m gonna have to ask you to come back in with us so we can sort this out.”

    Customer: “F*** you!”

    (The customer runs across the road, so my boss and I run after him as quickly as possibly. We finally catch up with him on the park lawn on the other side of the road.)

    Boss: “[My name], grab his bags.”

    (Before I can react, my boss has tackled him from behind using an American football tackle and hammerlocked him before picking him up from the ground.)

    Customer: “When we get to the back room, I’m gonna punch your lights out!”

    Boss: “You’re welcome to try.”

    Customer: *shuts up*

    (We call the cops, and after a few minutes they get here. We explain everything as his wife pleads with the cops.)

    Cop: “We’re gonna let you off with a 300 kroner ticket if you apologize to every—”

    Customer: *spits on cop* “Screw you!”

    Cop: “…and now, you’re going to jail!”

    When Call Center Levels Reach Their Ceiling

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Me: “Hello. This is [station]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I live in a condo, and there is a leak in the pipes. Water is leaking behind the living room wall and building management won’t fix it.”

    Me: “Okay. Why are you calling the police?”

    Caller: “Well, it’s an emergency. They won’t fix it. They say it’s my problem because the leak is in my unit.”

    Me: “Have you called a plumber?”

    Caller: “No. It’s an emergency. That’s why I called you. If the water keeps leaking, the ceiling could fall in.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you think the ceiling is going to fall in, leave your unit and call a plumber.”

    Caller: “But I need help now!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s your choice. If you think you’re in danger, leave your unit. Unless you’re being crushed by falling sheet rock, this is not a police matter. Please hang up and call a plumber.”

    Caller: “So, if the ceiling falls on me, I can call you back?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “Okay, thanks.” *click*

    Try Calling Nine-One-Number-Two

    | Delano, CA, USA |

    Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

    Caller: “I need help, Hurry, Hurry!” *hangs up*

    (I try to call back but get no answer. Two officers are sent, this is what I am told happened:)

    (The officers are met at the door by the caller.)

    Caller: “In the bathroom. Hurry! Hurry!”

    (The officers go to the bathroom, but don’t see anything wrong.)

    Officer: “What happened? Why do you need the police?”

    Caller: “My toilet is plugged up. I need you to fix it.”

    Officer: “We don’t fix toilets. You need a plumber. 911 is for emergencies only.”

    Caller: “This is an emergency. I need to use the toilet now!”

    Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Religion

    (I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

    Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

    Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

    Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

    Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

    Should Have Pleaded The Fifth

    | Maine, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (We use a simple chalk-marking system to monitor how long cars have been parked downtown.)

    Man: *seeing me make a small chalk mark on a car tire* “Hey! You can’t do that!”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure I can.”

    Man: “That’s illegal!”

    Me: *marking the next car* “How is it illegal?”

    Man: “It’s against the Fourth Amendment!”

    Me: “You mean the Fourth Amendment, which protects you from unlawful searches and seizures?”

    Man: “Don’t get medical with me!”

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