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  • Check And Mate

    | Huntsville, AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. My name is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I ordered my pizza, like, an hour ago. It’s still not here.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. May I have your phone number so I can check your order?”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’s [number]. Look, I’m really upset about this. My family is hungry. I expect you to send my order out immediately. I expect not to have to pay for it since it’s been over an hour.”

    (At this point, my driver has walked in. It is a slow night. He is the only driver I have working. I put the customer on hold.)

    Me: “Hey, man. Are you getting back from that run out to [customer's street]?”

    Driver: “Yeah, why?”

    Me: “They’re on hold right now. They’re saying you never delivered their pizza.”

    Driver: *rolls his eyes and reaches into his pocket* “Here’s the check they paid me with.”

    (I get back on the phone with the customer. I verify her name, address, and phone number before confronting her.)

    Me: “Ma’am. My driver just returned and handed me a check. It has your information on it and is written for the amount of your order. I also note that you didn’t even tip my driver.”

    Customer: *long silence* “YOUR DRIVER IS LYING! I DON’T KNOW HOW HE GOT MY CHECK, BUT HE NEVER DELIVERED MY FOOD. I WANT IT NOW!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid I can’t do that. Here’s the number to our corporate office if you’d like to call them about this.”

    (As the customer hangs up, I hear her shouting to someone on her end of the line.)

    Customer: “WHO’S THE IDIOT WHO PAID FOR THE PIZZA WITH A CHECK?!”

    At Lagerheads, Part 2

    | Reading, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working late at a local pizzeria. I’m already pretty aggravated due to having to cover someone else’s shift who called off that night, but I have managed to keep my cool. A customer calls in on the phone to place an order for delivery. He sounds fairly plastered already but is polite enough so I begin to take his order.)

    Me: “What can I get for you tonight, sir?”

    Customer: “I’d like two plain pizzas, a cheese steak stromboli, an order of hot wings, and a six pack of Heineken.”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t deliver beer.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Well, sir, we just don’t. It’s against company policy. Now, can I get your name and address so we can send your food out to you?”

    Customer: “Sure, but I’d like to change the order.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem, what’s it going to be?”

    Customer: “Well I said two plain pizzas, but now I’d like you to reach down your pants and tear out a large handful of pubic hair and toss it on top of my pizzas.”

    Me: “Not a problem, sir; that’s complimentary and is included in each and every one of our meals free of charge.”

    Customer: “F*** you. I’ll be in to pick it up shortly.”

    (I figured he was way too drunk to drive over, so I didn’t make his order. I was right.)

    Related:
    At Lagerheads

    Time To Sing Jailhouse Rock

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

    (My primary job is delivering pizzas, but I’m also the lead vocalist in a metal band that’s popular in the local area. We’re not well known much further than that. We recently played a show where we also sold a small amount of merchandise.)

    Me: *handing pizzas to customer* “That’ll be $35.”

    (The customer hands me the money. I notice that he’s wearing a hoodie with our band’s name and logo on it.)

    Me: “Nice hoodie!”

    Customer: “Yeah, man! I was at the show last weekend.”

    Me: “Awesome, how’d you like it?”

    Customer: “They’re wicked, man! I feel kinda bad for taking this hoodie right of off the wall.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Were you there, too?”

    Me: “Yes, I was the one holding the microphone.”

    The Usual, As Usual As Possible

    | Windsor, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

    Caller: “Can I get 3 pizzas and an order of bread sticks?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem!”

    Caller: “But I don’t want the bread like you usually make it.”

    Me: “Okay, how would you like it?”

    Caller: “I want it softer to bite into.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “But i don’t want it lightly done.”

    (The caller pauses, and I’m not sure what to say.)

    Caller: “…and I don’t want it burnt.”

    Me: *lightbulb turns on* “Okay, so you would like it normal?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 10

    | USA |

    (I am taking a delivery order.)

    Me: “And how will you be paying tonight? Cash or credit?”

    Caller: “Credit.”

    Me: “What type of card is it?”

    (The caller states the name of her bank.)

    Me: “No, ma’am. I meant is it a Visa, MasterCard?”

    Caller: “Oh, Visa.”

    Me: “The number?”

    Caller: “What number do you want?”

    Me: “The big one on the front.”

    Caller: “Oh, really. All of it?”

    (She provides twelve numbers.)

    Me: “I need four more numbers.”

    Caller: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see them there. 1234.”

    Me: “Okay. And the expiration date?”

    Caller: “Where do you find that?”

    Me: “The bottom right corner.”

    (A few seconds of silence pass.)

    Caller, talking to someone else: “Find the expiration date for me.”

    (She finally finds it and gives it to me. I arrive with her order, and hand her the credit card receipt. She turns to her friend, and hands it to her.)

    Caller, to her friend: “Sign this for me. I don’t know how.”

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 9
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 8
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 7
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 6
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession

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