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    Serving Justice One Slice At A Time

    | Victorville, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I take gunsmithing classes. I also deliver pizza as a job and volunteer as a Police Explorer. One night a customer who lives in the projects sees me in uniform.)

    Customer: “You deliver pizza!”

    Me: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer: “Well, you never saw any of that stuff at my place!”

    Me: “What stuff?”

    Customer: “Exactly! You never saw it!”

    (Too bad I never remembered his address. Might have been able to get a warrant to find out what stuff he didn’t have there.)

    Fish Has Gone To The Dogs

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners

    (I am delivering a large pizza order to a couple that included an extra side of anchovies.)

    Me: “Let me hand you the anchovies so they don’t accidentally spill.”

    (As I hand them to the woman she makes a face of disgust and hands them to her husband.)

    Husband: “I like to pour it out on the kitchen floor and roll around in them.”

    Me: “So does my dog.”

    (The wife completely loses it and the husband slinks off with his anchovies.)

    Won’t Like The State Of The Pizza

    | Greeley, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Geography

    (I am a delivery driver on a delivery, and am unable to find the house that I am looking for, so I call the customer for help.)

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hi. This is the delivery driver in charge of delivering your pizza. Unfortunately, I’m a little stuck. I can’t seem to find your house. Could you verify your address for me?”

    Customer: “Yeah, no problem! It’s [address].”

    Me: “Okay. Well, that’s the same address that I have and I’m pretty sure I’m in the right place but I don’t see that address.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s pretty hard to see my house at night especially because there are no street light near me. I’ll come outside to meet you.”

    (I am thoroughly confused by this because it is only six pm and the sun is still up.)

    Me: “Excuse me, but it sounded like you said it was dark out so I wasn’t able to see your house?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.”

    Me: “No, no. That’s not the problem. Could you tell me what city your in?”

    Customer: “Um… I’m in Boston, Massachusetts. Where the h*** are you?”

    Me: “Sir, you called the [Pizza Shop] in Greeley, Colorado.”

    Customer: “Oh… I was wondering why the area code wasn’t normal.”

    Check And Mate

    | Huntsville, AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. My name is [Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I ordered my pizza, like, an hour ago. It’s still not here.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. May I have your phone number so I can check your order?”

    Customer: “Yeah. It’s [number]. Look, I’m really upset about this. My family is hungry. I expect you to send my order out immediately. I expect not to have to pay for it since it’s been over an hour.”

    (At this point, my driver has walked in. It is a slow night. He is the only driver I have working. I put the customer on hold.)

    Me: “Hey, man. Are you getting back from that run out to [customer's street]?”

    Driver: “Yeah, why?”

    Me: “They’re on hold right now. They’re saying you never delivered their pizza.”

    Driver: *rolls his eyes and reaches into his pocket* “Here’s the check they paid me with.”

    (I get back on the phone with the customer. I verify her name, address, and phone number before confronting her.)

    Me: “Ma’am. My driver just returned and handed me a check. It has your information on it and is written for the amount of your order. I also note that you didn’t even tip my driver.”

    Customer: *long silence* “YOUR DRIVER IS LYING! I DON’T KNOW HOW HE GOT MY CHECK, BUT HE NEVER DELIVERED MY FOOD. I WANT IT NOW!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid I can’t do that. Here’s the number to our corporate office if you’d like to call them about this.”

    (As the customer hangs up, I hear her shouting to someone on her end of the line.)

    Customer: “WHO’S THE IDIOT WHO PAID FOR THE PIZZA WITH A CHECK?!”

    At Lagerheads, Part 2

    | Reading, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working late at a local pizzeria. I’m already pretty aggravated due to having to cover someone else’s shift who called off that night, but I have managed to keep my cool. A customer calls in on the phone to place an order for delivery. He sounds fairly plastered already but is polite enough so I begin to take his order.)

    Me: “What can I get for you tonight, sir?”

    Customer: “I’d like two plain pizzas, a cheese steak stromboli, an order of hot wings, and a six pack of Heineken.”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t deliver beer.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Well, sir, we just don’t. It’s against company policy. Now, can I get your name and address so we can send your food out to you?”

    Customer: “Sure, but I’d like to change the order.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem, what’s it going to be?”

    Customer: “Well I said two plain pizzas, but now I’d like you to reach down your pants and tear out a large handful of pubic hair and toss it on top of my pizzas.”

    Me: “Not a problem, sir; that’s complimentary and is included in each and every one of our meals free of charge.”

    Customer: “F*** you. I’ll be in to pick it up shortly.”

    (I figured he was way too drunk to drive over, so I didn’t make his order. I was right.)

    Related:
    At Lagerheads


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