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    In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

    | Bronx, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Language & Words

    (The phone rings.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

    (She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

    Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

    Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

    Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

    (He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD cop.)

    Cop: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

    Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

    Cop: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

    (The cashier explains. The cop orders a slice of pizza and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

    Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

    Cop: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

    (They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

    Customer: “Problem solved?”

    Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

    Cop: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

    Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

    Cop: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

    Pizza Topping Flopping

    | Scotland, UK | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in a very small family run pizza shop, I am the only person who takes orders and I take them both on the phone and from the counter. A young woman comes in and orders three pizzas with three unusual topping combinations. As she orders I realize that we already have an identical order that has been phoned in waiting for collection under that name Smith.)

    Me: “We already have an order for what you’re asking for, to be collected for Smith. Did someone perhaps phone in the order for you to collect?”

    Customer: “Well, that’s my surname but no one has phoned the order in ahead of time. So, it can’t be for me.”

    Me: “Sorry, are you sure? Things is, it’s a very unusual order. I can’t imagine one person phoning it in and then another person coming in and ordering the same thing. The phone number they left was [home phone number]. Are you sure no one else could have phoned it in earlier?”

    Customer: “No that’s definitely not me. Don’t give me those. Make me mine fresh.”

    (The customer leaves with her fresh pizzas and no one has come to collect the order for Smith, so I phone the number left with the order to see why no one has been to collect it. An older woman answers the phone and I explain that no one has been to collect the order.)

    Customer #2: “Well, I don’t know how that can be because we are eating it right now!”

    Me: “Was it you that collected the order?”

    Customer #2: “No, it was my daughter.”

    Me: “We did have a young woman in ask for an identical order to your phone order but she assured me, when I told her the name and phone number, that it was not her collection and insisted that we make hers fresh and a separate order.”

    Customer #2: “How is that my problem?”

    Me: “Well, you see, we have now made two orders for you and you have only paid for one of them. Now we have an order here going to waste and we are out of pocket. I would just advise in future that if someone else is collecting an order maybe you should make sure they not re-order when they arrive to avoid this. It is really not a big deal. It is just policy that I phone and check on uncollected orders. I thought you should be aware of what happened.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, I see. So, you choose to phone me and interrupt my dinner to tell me that YOU’RE incompetent and are unable to perform the simple task of taking orders.”

    Me: “Sorry, I—” *customer hangs up*

    It’s All Sliding Downhill From Here

    | IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (An elderly gentleman wearing a wife beater that is tucked into his underwear slowly makes his way to the counter to pick up his pizza. After a seemingly normal transaction with a sane customer, he picks up his pizza and turns to walk out the door. As he turns he tilts the pizza vertically and puts it under his arm (like carrying a book). I and some fellow employees watch in amazement as we imagine the hot pizza cheese sliding into a clump.)

    Manager: “He’s going to be calling back…”

    (About fifteen minutes later, the phone rings.)

    Me: “[Pizza], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to speak to a manager, please.”

    Me: “Right away.”

    Manager: “This is [Manager]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, my pizza was clumped on one side of the box and the cheese had slide off the pizza. I’d like a new one!”

    Serving Justice One Slice At A Time

    | Victorville, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I take gunsmithing classes. I also deliver pizza as a job and volunteer as a Police Explorer. One night a customer who lives in the projects sees me in uniform.)

    Customer: “You deliver pizza!”

    Me: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer: “Well, you never saw any of that stuff at my place!”

    Me: “What stuff?”

    Customer: “Exactly! You never saw it!”

    (Too bad I never remembered his address. Might have been able to get a warrant to find out what stuff he didn’t have there.)

    Fish Has Gone To The Dogs

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners

    (I am delivering a large pizza order to a couple that included an extra side of anchovies.)

    Me: “Let me hand you the anchovies so they don’t accidentally spill.”

    (As I hand them to the woman she makes a face of disgust and hands them to her husband.)

    Husband: “I like to pour it out on the kitchen floor and roll around in them.”

    Me: “So does my dog.”

    (The wife completely loses it and the husband slinks off with his anchovies.)

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