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    At Lagerheads, Part 2

    | Reading, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working late at a local pizzeria. I’m already pretty aggravated due to having to cover someone else’s shift who called off that night, but I have managed to keep my cool. A customer calls in on the phone to place an order for delivery. He sounds fairly plastered already but is polite enough so I begin to take his order.)

    Me: “What can I get for you tonight, sir?”

    Customer: “I’d like two plain pizzas, a cheese steak stromboli, an order of hot wings, and a six pack of Heineken.”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t deliver beer.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Well, sir, we just don’t. It’s against company policy. Now, can I get your name and address so we can send your food out to you?”

    Customer: “Sure, but I’d like to change the order.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem, what’s it going to be?”

    Customer: “Well I said two plain pizzas, but now I’d like you to reach down your pants and tear out a large handful of pubic hair and toss it on top of my pizzas.”

    Me: “Not a problem, sir; that’s complimentary and is included in each and every one of our meals free of charge.”

    Customer: “F*** you. I’ll be in to pick it up shortly.”

    (I figured he was way too drunk to drive over, so I didn’t make his order. I was right.)

    Related:
    At Lagerheads

    Time To Sing Jailhouse Rock

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

    (My primary job is delivering pizzas, but I’m also the lead vocalist in a metal band that’s popular in the local area. We’re not well known much further than that. We recently played a show where we also sold a small amount of merchandise.)

    Me: *handing pizzas to customer* “That’ll be $35.”

    (The customer hands me the money. I notice that he’s wearing a hoodie with our band’s name and logo on it.)

    Me: “Nice hoodie!”

    Customer: “Yeah, man! I was at the show last weekend.”

    Me: “Awesome, how’d you like it?”

    Customer: “They’re wicked, man! I feel kinda bad for taking this hoodie right of off the wall.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Were you there, too?”

    Me: “Yes, I was the one holding the microphone.”

    The Usual, As Usual As Possible

    | Windsor, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

    Caller: “Can I get 3 pizzas and an order of bread sticks?”

    Me: “Sure, no problem!”

    Caller: “But I don’t want the bread like you usually make it.”

    Me: “Okay, how would you like it?”

    Caller: “I want it softer to bite into.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “But i don’t want it lightly done.”

    (The caller pauses, and I’m not sure what to say.)

    Caller: “…and I don’t want it burnt.”

    Me: *lightbulb turns on* “Okay, so you would like it normal?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 10

    | USA |

    (I am taking a delivery order.)

    Me: “And how will you be paying tonight? Cash or credit?”

    Caller: “Credit.”

    Me: “What type of card is it?”

    (The caller states the name of her bank.)

    Me: “No, ma’am. I meant is it a Visa, MasterCard?”

    Caller: “Oh, Visa.”

    Me: “The number?”

    Caller: “What number do you want?”

    Me: “The big one on the front.”

    Caller: “Oh, really. All of it?”

    (She provides twelve numbers.)

    Me: “I need four more numbers.”

    Caller: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see them there. 1234.”

    Me: “Okay. And the expiration date?”

    Caller: “Where do you find that?”

    Me: “The bottom right corner.”

    (A few seconds of silence pass.)

    Caller, talking to someone else: “Find the expiration date for me.”

    (She finally finds it and gives it to me. I arrive with her order, and hand her the credit card receipt. She turns to her friend, and hands it to her.)

    Caller, to her friend: “Sign this for me. I don’t know how.”

    Related:
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 9
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 8
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 7
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 6
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
    This Is Why We’re In A Recession

    Deliver Us From Stupidity

    | Tempe, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Hi thank you for calling [pizza chain]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I ordered a pizza two hours ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”

    Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. Can I get your phone number? We can see what happened.”

    (The customer gives me the phone number.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but it appears your order was placed for carryout.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t understand what that means.”

    Me: “Well, it means you need to actually come down to the store and pick it up.”

    Customer: “Oh, I thought it meant you would carry it out to me.”

    Me: “No sir, that would be delivery. Would you like me to switch it to delivery for you?

    Customer: “What does that mean?”


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