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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • The Lie-To-Yourself Diet

    | MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. This is [My Name]. Can I interest you in two large pizzas with up to five toppings and a pop for only $22.99?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t need that much. I’m on a diet.”

    Me: “Okay. What can I get you tonight?”

    Customer: “Can I get a large veggie pizza, but hold the mushrooms, black olives, green peppers, and onions, and add sausage, beef, bacon, Canadian bacon and pepperoni.”

    Me: “Okay, that would just be a meats pizza with tomatoes.”

    Customer: “No, I’m on a diet. I need a veggie pizza because of my diet. but hold the mushrooms, black olives, green peppers, and onions, and add sausage, beef, bacon, Canadian bacon and pepperoni.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Your total will be $11 and we will have it ready in 15 minutes.”

    (I rang up the order the way she wanted it but told my coworkers that it was just a meats pizza with tomatoes.)

    The Answer Rings True

    | Hamlin, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s late at night, probably an hour after our normal closing time, and our phone rings.)

    Employee: “Hello, [Name] Pizza.”

    Caller: “Hi, I’d like to place an order?”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, we’ve been closed for about an hour.”

    Caller:  *annoyed tone* “Well, why did you answer the phone, then?”

    Employee: “…because it rang?”

    (The caller burst into laughter and proclaimed that was the best answer he’d ever heard.)

    Let Me Give You A Pizza My Mind, Part 3

    , | OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    Me: *answering the phone* “Hello! Thank you for calling [Restaurant]! Would you like to hear about our specials?”

    Customer: “Don’t try to sell me anything. I’ll tell you what I want.”

    Me: “All right, sir. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking at your menu here… You got the six-piece nuggets?”

    Me: “Um… sir? You are aware that this is a pizza restaurant, right? We don’t have nuggets.”

    Customer: “WHAT THE F***?!”

    (I can hear the customer step away from the phone for a moment, but can still hear him ranting and raving even though I can’t make out what he’s saying.)

    Me: “Sir? Hello?”

    Customer: “—AND TWO OF THEM IN YOUR A**-HOLE!”

    Me: “You have a nice night, sir.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    Let Me Give You A Pizza My Mind, Part 2
    Let Me Give You A Pizza My Mind
    Giving A Pizza My Mind

    A Labor-Intensive Industry

    | IN, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I am very obviously nine-months pregnant and begin having contractions in my car as I show up for an afternoon shift as a delivery driver. I calmly waddle inside to let my manager know what’s going on and wait for my ride to the hospital. When my manager sees me coming towards the building clutching my stomach and grimacing, he figures it out and runs back into the office. As I get inside and approach the service counter, another contraction hits and I double over leaning on the counter huffing and puffing, trying not to cry out in pain. A customer has walked in directly behind me.)

    Customer: “What terrible service! You didn’t even bother to hold the door for me!”

    Me: Uh… sorry?”

    Customer: “D*** right, you are! Now quit being lazy and get back there and take my order!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I’m not even clocked in. And besides—”

    Customer:Maybe if you weren’t OBESE AND LAZY you could have made it in here sooner and clocked in already. Now I DEMAND service!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the delay, ma’am. But I do have to ask you to quit speaking to me like that. I’m not obese or lazy—”

    Customer: “Of course you are! Look at you! You’re huge. And you got winded just walking in from your car.”

    (My manager comes out of the office and walks up to the counter, having heard this whole exchange.)

    Manager: “I’m so sorry about the wait. I am the manager. I was busy calling someone to cover her shift because she’s IN LABOR and must go to the hospital. [My Name], go sit in the office and call your doctor and your ride.”

    (As I walk around the counter, my water breaks leaving a small wet spot on the floor.)

    Customer: *shrieks* “That’s unsanitary! Aren’t you going to make her clean it up?! That’s disgusting. I REFUSE to pay for any food prepared in your contaminated kitchen!”

    Manager: “Okay. Good-bye. Have a nice day!” *smiles*

    Customer: “WHERE’S MY FOOD?!”

    Manager: “You just said you didn’t want food from our ‘contaminated’ kitchen…”

    Customer: “But… I… FINE! You better believe I’m calling your corporate office and filing a formal complaint!” *storms out, knocking over large promotional signs on her way*

    (I made it to the hospital with plenty of time to spare. Just under 12 hours later, my son was born. After 6 weeks of maternity leave, I went back to delivering. Many of my regulars remembered me and wanted updates and pictures of the baby. As far as we know, the customer never actually did call corporate.)

    In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

    | Bronx, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Language & Words

    (The phone rings.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

    (She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

    Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

    Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

    Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

    (He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD cop.)

    Cop: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

    Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

    Cop: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

    (The cashier explains. The cop orders a slice of pizza and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

    Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

    Cop: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

    (They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

    Customer: “Problem solved?”

    Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

    Cop: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

    Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

    Cop: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

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