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    Jonesin’ For Some Pepperoni

    , | British Columbia, Canada |

    (An older lady called in to comment about the sauce of one of our most popular pizzas.)

    Customer: “It’s as though you people put crack in it!”

    Me: *laughs* “It is pretty good…”

    Customer: “So, do you?”

    Me: “Do we… what?”

    Customer: “Put crack in it.”

    Me: “…are you asking if we put cocaine in our pizza sauce?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “No. I’m pretty sure they stopped putting drugs like that into food and medicine by the 1940s.”

    Customer: “Oh. Really? Because it would explain a lot. I just can’t stop eating this pizza!”

    In The Name Of All That Is Cheesy

    , | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Pizza, would you like the special?”

    Caller: “No thanks, I’d just like a large Quattro Cheese pizza.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem.”

    Caller: “And… no feta on one side.”

    Me: “Okay, no feta on one side.”

    Caller: “I mean it! NO feta on the one side! GOD HELP YOU IF THERE IS FETA!”

    Me: “Okay, no feta on one side!”

    Piss Poor Pizza Poacher

    , | Burnaby, BC, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, *** Pizza, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I’m supposed to get a free pizza because you guys made it wrong last time.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, can I have your address please?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “So I can look up your credit… we file them by address.”

    (He gives me his address, which isn’t in the file. I try every possible means to verify his story, and am finally convinced that he’s lying.)

    Me: “Did the person you dealt with last time ask for your address?”

    Customer:“No, they just said I could have a free pizza.”

    Me: “Did they happen to give you their name?”

    Customer: “No, it was just some guy.”

    (I’m the only male manager at the restaurant.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you a free pizza.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because I have no record of it. I can’t just give pizza away to anybody who says we screwed up.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?! What is your name?”

    Me: “My name is ‘guy-who’s-not-giving-you-a-free-pizza,’ what’s yours?”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, haven’t you ever heard that the customer is always right?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s what people say when they’re trying to rip us off.” *click*

    You Know What They Say About Idle Hands…

    , | Port St. Lucie, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place], may I take your order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a one of those large philly cheesesteak pizzas you’re advertising on TV.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not us. That’s [competitor].”

    Customer: “What do you mean that’s not you? I just saw the commercial.”

    Me: “I don’t know what commercial you saw, but we don’t have that pizza. Only [competitor] does.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager, because you obviously don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Me: “Sir, I am the manager.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about. I want your bosses number. I’m gonna tell him about this and then we’ll see.”

    Me: “You’re welcome to call him, but he’ll tell you the same thing I did: that’s not our pizza.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll call his boss and their boss and keep going till I finally get someone who agrees with me!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Must be nice to have that much time on your hands!”

    Thank God For Grandmothers

    , | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, but can you please take a look at this pizza here?”

    Me: “Uh… well, that looks pretty delicious to me.”

    Customer: “It looks very lumpy.”

    Me: “Well, it’s a pizza, and you’ve chosen some pretty lumpy toppings there.”

    Customer: “Well, look here how all the toppings seem to be all on one side.”

    Me: “Is that a problem?”

    Customer: “Yes. It’s uneven.” *stares intently at me*

    Me: “Well sir, my grandmother’s cookies look about like that and they taste absolutely delicious every time she makes them.”

    Customer: *laughs and leaves without further complaining*

    (Phew!)

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