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    Eye Can’t Believe It

    , | Annapolis, MD, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant's name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ll have—”

    (The customer finally makes eye contact and then stares at me for a couple of seconds.)

    Me: “Ma’am? Is everything all right?”

    Customer: “Your eyes…”

    (I typically get compliments on my blue eyes, so I just smile.)

    Me: “Thank you. What can I get for you?”

    (The customer is still transfixed on my eyes.)

    Customer: *slowly* “Are… they real?”

    Me: “Um, yes.”

    Customer: “Are they yours?”

    Me: *laughing* “No, I stole them from a corpse.”

    (I realize that she thinks I’m serious.)

    Me: “They’re my real eyes! I was born with them.”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Positive.”

    Customer: *orders and quickly leaves, staring cautiously at my eyes the whole time*

    Related:
    An Eye For An Eyepatch

    Would You Like Smoke Up Or Delivery

    | Bucks County, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (Note: My boss only purchased this particular pizza shop about four years ago. I am answering a phone call at the beginning of my shift.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?”

    Customer: “Uh, is this the NEW [shop name]?”

    Me: “Yes, the current owner purchased this restaurant about four years ago.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Uh…can I get a delivery?”

    Me: “Sure! What’s your address?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just want two large pies and a dime bag.”

    Me: *taken aback* “Um…excuse me?”

    Customer: “Two large pies and a dime bag.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir…a dime bag?!”

    Customer: “Can’t I get a dime bag with my delivery?”

    Me: “No, absolutely not. We only sell food here…no dime bags!”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

    (He proceeds to give me his contact information for two large pies. After the call ends, I bring the order into the kitchen. However, before I have a chance to even hand the slip to the cook, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?”"

    Same Customer: “Uh, yeah, I wanna cancel my order for two large pizzas.”

    Me: “Okay, so you want to cancel the two pizzas, correct?”

    Same Customer: “Yeah. Unless I can get a dime bag with them, that is.”

    Me: “No, you still can’t get a dime bag.”

    Same Customer: “Oh, okay. Yeah, cancel the order…”

    (I found out later that 15 years ago, a previous owner used to run a little “side operation” for quite some time before the police caught on and sent him to jail.)

    Just Mildly Stupid

    , | Rochester, New York, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m taking a phone call for the pizzeria I work at. Everything is going fairly normal until the customer places an order for wings.)

    Me: “Okay, would you like you boneless wings or traditional wings?”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Well, traditional wings are bone-in and boneless wings don’t have bones in them.”

    Customer: “Whatever, I just want them mild.”

    Me: “Okay, would you like that in our mild BBQ or mild buffalo sauce?”

    Customer: “No, just mild.”

    Me: “We carry a mild BBQ and a mild buffalo. Which could I get for you tonight?”

    Customer: “No! I just want your traditional mild!”

    Me: “Okay, that’s one order of mild buffalo–”

    Customer: “NO! Just MILD!”

    Papa’s Not Home

    , | Niceville, FL, USA | Food & Drink

    (This takes place between my manager and a customer over the phone.)

    Caller: “Hey, is John there?”

    Manager: “Sorry sir, this is [pizza place]. There’s no John here.”

    Caller: “Stop playin’, John, we’re supposed to go to the movies soon.”

    Manager: “Sir, seriously, this is [pizza place]. I think you may have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Well, crap! Do y’all have any deals?”

    Manager: “Well, you can get a large 3 topping and a 2-liter for $10.60.”

    Caller: “D***, that’s better than John!”

    Manager: “Yes, sir, it sure is.”

    A Slice Of Self Entitlement

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink

    (The pizza shop I work at sells cups for the fountain soda machine where you fill your drinks yourself. Like most restaurants, we also offer special cups for customers who haven’t purchased a drink.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! Your machine is out of [soda brand]. Go back there and change it immediately!”

    Me: “Well, I am sorry but we are out [soda brand] and we won’t be getting anymore until tomorrow. All of the other sodas work fine, though.”

    Customer: “Then I want a refund!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Because that’s a water cup.”

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