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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Give Pizza A Chance

    | Merseyside, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (A customer calls for a pizza delivery.)

    Customer: “I want a large pizza with all the toppings.”

    Me: “We’ve got over 30 different kind of toppings; which would you like?”

    Customer: “All of them; I’m starving.”

    Me: “A pizza with 30 toppings isn’t going to taste very nice.”

    Customer: “I don’t care; I’m starving. I want all the toppings.”

    Me: “One of the toppings is sliced banana; do you want that one?”

    Customer: “Ugh! Banana? No, not on a pizza. Okay, leave that off.”

    Me: “Do you like olives?”

    Customer: “Er, no. None of them.”

    Me: “Anchovies?”

    Customer: “What are they?”

    Me: “Small strips of dried, salted fish.”

    Customer: “Ugh, no!”

    (We repeat this for 25 more items.)

    Me: “So, that’s a ham and mushroom on a thin crust, with you in 30 minutes.”

    Customer: “Er, yeah. Thanks.”

    Flying Off The Pan-Handle

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (My coworker and I work in retail, but we are the customers in this story. We decide to hang out at her place after work. I order some pizza, and pick it up on the way to her house.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m [name], and I’m here to pick up my order.”

    Assistant Manager: “I am terribly sorry, sir. There has been a mistake with your order. We’re trying to fix it as soon as we can.”

    Me: “Oh, dear. What happened? If it’s the wrong toppings, I’ll still take it.”

    Assistant Manager: “No, sir, unfortunately one of our staff members accidentally gave your order to another customer. I am very sorry about this. We’ve just remade your order, and it’ll be done in just a couple of minutes.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine, I totally understa—”

    My Coworker: “WHAT?! I can’t believe you let this happen!”

    Me: “Whoa, calm down, [coworker]! People make mistakes, and it’s not going to take very long.”

    My Coworker: “No! I will not calm down, this is an outrage!”

    (My coworker addresses the assistant manager.) “I demand that we be compensated for this inconvenience! I can’t believe they let you be assistant manager around here!”

    Me: “Hey, hey, time out! I’m the one paying here, so you have no right to talk to him like that!”

    Coworker: “No, the customer is ALWAYS right! He should throw in a few extras for free!”

    Me: “Okay, if he did that, our order is gonna take even longer.”

    (Not even one minute after our short argument, our pizzas get brought up to the front. I pay for exactly what I ordered, no more, no less, and we leave. On the way back to my car, my coworker is still muttering.)

    Coworker: “I still think we should’ve gotten some free breadsticks or something.”

    Me: “Listen. You work in customer service too. You go through the exact same s*** he does, and I know YOU wouldn’t tolerate customers who fly off the handle like you just did. I am not impressed with the blatant hypocrisy you just displayed.”

    Coworker: “No, this is different! Our customers think they’re always right! In my case, I actually am!”

    Me: “Normally, I’d make you walk home for saying such a dumb comment, but I really don’t want to expose your current state to the general public.”

    At Lagerheads, Part 2

    | Reading, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Themed Giveaway

    (I am working late at a local pizzeria. I’m already pretty aggravated due to having to cover someone else’s shift who called off that night, but I have managed to keep my cool. A customer calls in on the phone to place an order for delivery. He sounds fairly plastered already but is polite enough so I begin to take his order.)

    Me: “What can I get for you tonight, sir?”

    Customer: “I’d like two plain pizzas, a cheese steak stromboli, an order of hot wings, and a six pack of Heineken.”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t deliver beer.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Well sir, we just don’t. It’s against company policy. Now, can I get your name and address so we can send your food out to you?”

    Customer: “Sure, but I’d like to change the order.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem, what’s it going to be?”

    Customer: “Well I said two plain pizzas, but now I’d like you to reach down your pants and tear out a large handful of pubic hair and toss it on top of my pizzas.”

    Me: “Not a problem, sir; that’s complimentary and is included in each and every one of our meals free of charge.”

    Customer: “F*** you. I’ll be in to pick it up shortly.”

    (I figured he was way too drunk to drive over, so I didn’t make his order. I was right.)

    Related:
    At Lagerheads

    These Customers Are Mostly Harmless

    | Western Australia, Australia | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule

    Me: “Good evening, welcome to [pizza store]. How can I help you this evening?”

    Customer: “Just a Meat Lover’s on the regular base, thanks.”

    Me: “Not a problem. It should be ready in ten to fifteen minutes. Can I just have a name for the order?”

    Customer: *politely* “No.”

    Me: “…Sorry?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

    (The customer’s friend looks a bit annoyed at the customer, like he’s done this before, but doesn’t offer a name either.)

    Me: “Well, it’s busy tonight and I may not be the one giving out the pizza, so if there isn’t a name they may not know whose pizza it is.”

    Customer: “I just don’t want my name on the computer.”

    Me: “Well, I could put a fake name down instead?”

    Customer: *rolls his eyes, and then replies* “Fine, just put down Slartibartfast.

    Me: “…Slartibartfast?”

    Customer: “I told you it didn’t matter!”

    (He then walks off before I can reply to his name; I’m a huge fan of Douglas Adams myself. When his pizza comes out, I call out his name.)

    Me: “Slartibartfast and the hoopy frood Zaphod Beeblebrox?”

    (Both men laugh as they collect the pizza. The next time they came back, it was a pizza for Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect!)

    We’ll Make You As Right As Rain

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (It’s a Friday night after the evening rush. It’s pouring rain, and generally people are more irritable if they have to be in the rain after a long day at work. Such is the case with this customer.)

    Customer: *walks in* “Evenin’.”

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [shop name]. Did you already have an order with us?”

    Customer: “No. Do you have a menu I can look at?”

    Me: “Yes, I have one right here.”

    (I hand her a take-home menu, but there is a large board menu above me that’s pretty obvious.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I could’ve just looked up there, huh.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: *frowning* “Agreeing with me makes you sound like you’re making fun of me.”

    Me: “I would never. I value your service with us.”

    Customer: “As you should.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Customer: “Is my pizza done yet?”

    Me: “It should be done any second now.”

    Customer: “Why does it take so long? I could’ve just gone to [competitor shop name] and been home with a pizza by now.”

    Me: “Well, we cook everything to order to ensure your food is always fresh.”

    Customer: “Well, you haven’t done anything except fold pizza boxes. I could’ve done that for you, and you could’ve gone to make my pizza and have it to me quicker.”

    Me: “There’s already a staff on the food line right now. Adding me back there wouldn’t help at all.”

    (She picks up an unfolded pizza box and examines it.)

    Customer: “Well, this is certainly too easy of a job. I could do it blindfolded!”

    (The customer struggles with folding box, and finally gets the box folded after five minutes of toying with it. In that same time, I’ve already made a stack and am working on another set.)

    Customer: “See? Too easy.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, let’s have us a challenge. I get an employee discount to use every week, and I haven’t used it yet. If you can fold an 18-set stack faster than me, I’ll add that discount to your order.”

    Customer: “You’re on!”

    (The customer’s food comes out. She finishes her stack, but long after I’ve completed mine. She picks up her food and begins walking to the door.)

    Customer: “So much for my discount, but thank you for entertaining me. I had a pretty s***y day today, and you cheered me up, AND the rain has stopped. You’ve earned the shop a regular customer!”


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