Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Hair Unapparent

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am delivering pizzas to a hotel room in the early evening. I am a guy in my mid-20s with exceptionally long hair. The customer’s name on the bill is “Katie”. After knocking on the door, I hear someone approach it, but they don’t open the door. Instead, I sense them looking through the peephole, which is followed by some loud whispering.)

    Voice #1: “Guys, it’s a chick!”

    Voice #2: “Are you sure?”

    Voice #1: “Yes!”

    Voice #3: “Dude! Is she hot?”

    Voice #1: “I can’t tell. What do I do?”

    Voice #3: “Dude, take off your shirt!”

    (For the next few moments I hear a lot of shuffling noises. Finally, the door opens, and what do I see? Three scrawny, dorky-looking, and shirtless teenage boys, completely bewildered to see that I am not, in fact, a girl.)

    Me: “Sorry to disappoint you. Now, which one of you is Katie?”

    Related:
    Hair Apparent

    We Try Not To Die For A Pie

    | Woodbridge, VA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’ve just finished taking a customer’s delivery order.)

    Customer: “So, if it’s not here in 30 minutes it’s free, right?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we strive to get it to you within 30 to 45 minutes, but there’s no free pizza if it’s there after 30 minutes. That used to be policy, but we stopped doing that years ago.”

    Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Why?”

    Me: “Because drivers were having to pay for late pizzas out of their paychecks. Consequently, they were driving dangerously fast, causing accidents. People were getting badly hurt, so we ended that policy.”

    Customer: “I don’t see how that’s my problem!”

    Safety Before Stupid Customers

    | Utah | Food & Drink

    (I’m a delivery driver. This happens at the customer’s doorstep.)

    Me: “That will be $26.52.”

    (The customer hands me a $100 bill.)

    Me: “Ma’am, we only carry $20 in change. Do you have any smaller bills?”

    Customer: “Um, no, that’s stupid! Why don’t you carry more?”

    Me: “It’s a safety issue. Do you have a card we can put it on?”

    Customer: “How is it a safety issue for employees to give customers their change?”

    Me: “If we could carry a lot of money, and people found out, we would get robbed a lot more.”

    Customer: “So, you mean to tell me that they care more about their employees’ safety than customer service?”

    Me: “I guess so.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s bulls***!” *slams the door in my face*

    If You Can’t Bring The Pizza To The Mountain…

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (Sometimes the customers that call are out of our delivery area. We have to find out which restaurant delivers to them.)

    Me: “What are your major cross streets?”

    Customer: “Federal and Quincy.”

    Me: “Okay. That could be one of two stores. Are you North or South of Quincy Avenue?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Alright. Can you face Quincy from where you are standing?”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “Are the mountains on your left or your right?”

    Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

    Me: “Yeah. But are they to your left or right when facing Quincy?”

    Customer: “They are in the west.”

    Me: “The mountains are always in the west. If the mountains are to the east of you, you aren’t in Denver.”

    Customer: “No. The mountains turn with me.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “The mountains are in the west.”

    Me: “Yeah, that would mean you’re in Denver. Now are they on your left or your right?”

    Customer: “I’m telling you, the mountains are in the west!”

    Me: “I’m not arguing the geography with you. I’m trying to find out where you are.”

    Customer: ”Never mind, you’re an idiot.” *click*

    Let Me Give You A Pizza My Mind, Part 2

    | Springfield, MO, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for choosing [pizza place]. Can I get your phone number, please?”

    (The customer provides his info.)

    Me: “It looks like you’ve already placed an order a few minutes ago. Did you need to change something?”

    Customer: “Yeah. My roommate is being a total woman over here. He doesn’t want to eat pizza.”

    Me: “Weird. I’m a woman, and I eat pizza all the time.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, you know. Not a cool woman like you, but like a vegetarian or something.”

    Me: “I’m a vegetarian.”

    Customer: “Well, you know. I mean…uh…”

    (The customer explains his friend has an ulcer and cuts his order down to just one pizza.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “No. I’m not calling here ever again, I promise.”

    Related:
    Let Me Give You A Pizza My Mind
    Giving A Pizza My Mind

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