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    Acting Totally Incremental

    | TX, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I am out on delivery late at night. The customer to whom I am delivering has been very drunk on the phone. When I arrive at his house, he stumbles outside to meet me, pulling out his wallet. A girl follows him outside.)

    Me: “Mr. [Name]?”

    Drunken Customer: “Yep, that’s me.”

    Me: “Here you are, sir! Your total this evening will be $46.70!”

    Drunken Customer: “Okay. Here you go.”

    (The customer hands me $70.)

    Me: “Of course, sir; let me get your change.”

    (I hand back a twenty dollar bill and three ones, but he won’t take it.)

    Drunken Customer: “Nope. No change. That’s your $5 tip right there.”

    Me: “Um, yes, sir, I appreciate it very much, but—”

    Drunken Customer: “No, no, no. Listen. 46 and whatever is like 47, right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Drunken Customer: “Well, fifty minus forty-seven is this three, right?” *points to the three $1 bills*

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Drunken Customer: “That leaves the two and the zero.” *points at the $20 bill* “And two plus zero is two, and then plus the other $3, and two plus three is five, and that’s your $5 tip!”

    Girl: “Just take it and go. He thinks he’s good at math when he’s drunk.”

    Me: “Thank you very much, sir! Have a wonderful evening!”

    Drunken Customer: “Don’t spend all your $5 in one place!”

    (He is the best tipping customer of the night! When I get back to the store, my manager can’t believe how thoroughly the customer explained his math!)

    Hold The Garlic Bread

    | NY, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Movies & TV, Top

    (I work the late shift at a pizza parlor, and am taking over delivery for a sick coworker instead of working the register as I usually do. I cycle up to the apartment that’s listed on the bill and knock on their door. The customer doesn’t answer so I knock harder.)

    Me: “Your pizza’s here!”

    (The door slowly creaks open. The lights are all off, almost like a horror movie, and I take a step back in surprise.)

    Me: “Uhm… hello?”

    (Unnerved, I turn to get the heck out of there, when I hear something moving. I look back in the house, and some guy is standing there, nearly invisible in the dark.)

    Me: “Oh, haha, I didn’t see you there. Here’s your pizza, sir. You ordered online, so you’re good to go!”

    Customer: “Who darez to tahlk to ze Count in zees mannehr?!”

    (I realize that he’s wearing a full Dracula costume, complete with bloody fangs and a cape. He’s staring at me with Bela Lugosi’s signature death glare.)

    Me: “Uh… Frank, the pizza delivery guy?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Dihd you breeng extra ov zee leetle sauce packeets for ze breedsteecks?”

    Me: “Uh… yeah, yeah, they should be in the box.”

    Customer: “Exceeleent! Have a vunderful night, my child!”

    (The customer slams the door closed.)

    Me: “What just happened?”

    We Love To Deep Dish On Bad Customers

    | UT, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Time

    (It is five minutes to closing at our store when the phone rings. Policy requires that we answer until 11:30 during winter hours. I pick up and my friend and manager stands behind me.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store location]. What can I do for you tonight?”

    Customer: “I need two pan pizzas with sausage and pepperoni.”

    (I put the order in on the computer and look to the clock. It is now three minutes to close.)

    Me: “All right, sir. I’m going to have to put this in for carry-out, as we close in three minutes.”

    Customer: “Uh, no. I want it for delivery.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. We close at 11:30.”

    Customer: “Well the internet says you close at midnight. I want delivery.”

    Me: “Again, I can’t do that. We have cleanup to do, and we close in one minute. We are also on the winter schedule, and close a half hour earlier than summer hours.”

    Customer: “That’s f***ing stupid!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t have you speak to me that way. If you like, you can speak to my manager about it. She’s standing right here, and has heard this entire conversation.”

    (He settles down. It is now after 11:30.)

    Customer: “Can’t you call it carry-out and just bring it to me?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Can I send you a picture of the web page?”

    Me: “You can, but it won’t make a difference. This is policy, sir.”

    Customer: “Fine! F*** you!”

    (He hangs up. I smile and put the phone down.)

    Manager: “He was pleasant.”

    Me: “I love people like that.”

    Manager: “Why?”

    Me: “They give me stories to tell.”

    He’s One Slice Short Of A Pie

    , | Grand Rapids, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I have returned from delivering a pizza to the last customer of the night. Upon returning to the store, it is after closing time, so we begin cleaning and closing the store. The phone rings; we normally don’t answer the phone after closing time, but since I recognized the name on the caller ID as my last delivery, I decide to answer it.)

    Me: “Thanks for calling [restaurant]. I’m sorry we’re closed, but how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just had a pizza delivered and there’s a problem.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What is the problem, exactly?”

    Customer: “Well, this has got to be some sort of joke or something.”

    Me: “Okay, what is the problem?”

    Customer: “I just sat down to eat my sausage pizza, and 7 of the 8 pieces are just fine, but the 8th piece doesn’t have any sausage on it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that shouldn’t have happened. How about I give you a $2 discount on your next purchase?”

    Customer: “Sure.”

    Me: “Okay, sorry again. Have a nice night.”

    (Before I can even turn around to walk away, the same caller ID rings again, so I answer.)

    Customer: *yelling very angrily* “I’m so mad right now! I can’t believe what I’m looking at! What, are you messing with me not putting sausage on one of the pieces of my pizza?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it was an accident. Sausages are small and round, I’m sure after they were put on the pizza they rolled around when the cheese was applied. How about instead of a $2 discount, I mark you account for a free pizza on your next order? Would that fix it for you?”

    Customer: *calm now* “Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

    (We once again finish the call and hang up. Again before I can turn around the phone rings with the same caller ID so I answer and greet the caller.)

    Customer: “YOU MUST BE PLAYING A JOKE ON ME! This must have been done on purpose! I’m gonna come down there and cut your heads off!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir! I just wanted to remind you that you’ll get a free pizza on your next order. Is that okay?”

    Customer: *calms down again* “Yeah, thanks.”

    (I quickly got off the phone while he was calm. We then quickly locked up and went home for the night without cleaning up the store, in case he was truly coming down to cut our heads off.)

    Recaf My Decaf

    | Texas, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    Me: “Thanks for calling [pizza delivery]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’d like to speak to your manager on duty.”

    Me: “That would be me. What can I do for you?”

    Caller: “I had placed an order with you earlier, and got [caffeinated soft drink] and [non-caffeinated soft drink]. I opened [non-caffeinated soft drink] and it tasted funny and raised my blood pressure. You must have tampered with it and added caffeine. I’d like a replacement.”

    Me: “I can assure you that your drink wasn’t tampered with. It’s in sealed bottle from the manufacturer. But, what would you like instead?”

    Caller: “I’d like another drink.”

    (I list the four drinks we carry, three of which have caffeine.)

    Caller: “I’d like a [another caffeinated soft drink].”

    Me: “So, you’re going to replace [non-caffeinated soft drink] that was supposedly tampered with and had caffeine added for a drink that is guaranteed to have caffeine?”

    Caller: “You got it!”

    Me: *sighs* “It’ll be the in about thirty minutes, sir. Have a nice day…”


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