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    Go Easy On The Brain

    | AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I am delivering to a customer who placed their order online. When I get to the door I begin reading off the ticket to make sure everything is correct and accounted for, as is standard procedure, when the customer interrupts me.)

    Customer: “And what kind of cheese did you put on it?”

    Me: “I believe we use mozzarella and parmesan.”

    Customer: “NO! That is NOT what I ordered! You were supposed to make it with Ezon cheese!” *pronouncing ‘ezon’ with a pretentious French accent*

    Me: “Um… Sorry, but I’ve never heard of this cheese, and as far as I know we don’t use it.”

    Customer: *in a condescending tone* “Well, of course you haven’t heard of it. Maybe if you weren’t so ignorant you’d have a real job instead of delivering pizzas. And apparently even that’s too hard for you because you don’t even know what kind of cheese you use. You’ll probably end up making a career out of getting pregnant for welfare checks.”

    Me: “Actually sir, I’m just doing this for extra cash while I’m in University. And since I also do inventory and prep work, I’m certain we don’t carry this type of cheese.”

    Customer: “Well, I clicked the button for it on your website! That’s what I asked for and that’s what I was supposed to get!”

    (Snatching the receipt out of my hands, then shoving it right up in my face.)

    Customer: “GOD, it’s right there on the receipt! SEE?! Eeeeee-zonnn cheeeeeese!”

    Me: *suddenly understanding and laughing* “No.”

    Customer: “No?! What do you mean NO?!”

    Me: “You clicked the button for ‘easy on the cheese.’”

    (The customer goes silent and looks at the receipt again, where it says ‘EZon cheese.’ Then without a word he hurriedly tosses some money at me, rips the pizza bag out of my hands and slams the door in my face. I pick up the money off the ground and quickly count it to find it is short. I ring the doorbell a few times before he throws it open, looking livid.)

    Customer: “NOW what do you want?!”

    Me: *holding up the wadded bills* “I can count properly too, and you still owe $2.37. I’m also going to need the bag back.”

    (The customer makes a very dramatic show of stomping his feet as he goes back to the kitchen, and shoves three more dollar bills at me. As I am turning to leave, he explodes again.)

    Customer: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

    Me: “Leaving.”

    Customer: “What about my change?! You think you’re getting a tip after what you put me through?! You still owe me fifty-seven cents!”

    Me: “No, a dollar minus thirty-seven is sixty-three. And we don’t carry anything smaller than a dollar bill. Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “I am NEVER giving you people my business EVER AGAIN! You can kiss my money goodbye!!!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, sir; you were going to be placed on the no-delivery list anyway.”

    That Pizza Was All Greek To Me

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi, my pizza was just delivered and it was entirely incorrect. I just gave it back to the driver and he gave my money back. But I’d like to get my correct pizza.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Well it looks here like you ordered the Greek pizza—”

    Customer: “Yeah, but the one I got had tomatoes and black olives, and green peppers, I think…”

    Me: “And red sauce and onions and feta cheese?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s the Greek pizza. You got exactly what you ordered.”

    Customer: “What? Well my friend just ordered from you last week and he said he got the Greek, but it was different. It had gyro meat on it and it got served with tzatziki sauce.”

    Me: “Oh, your friend must have ordered our Santorini pizza. I can go ahead and change your order here and send you the right one. It costs the same price.”

    Customer: “Uh… that’s it? I don’t get a discount or anything?”

    Me: “Well… no. I mean… it’s your friend’s fault that he told you the wrong pizza. But you got exactly what you told us you wanted. We don’t give discounts for people who neglect to read our menu before ordering.”

    Customer: “Oh. Okay. That’s fair, I guess.”

    Superbowled Them Over With Realisation

    | Sparta, IL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I am working as a cook at a pizza place. it’s Superbowl Sunday, the phone has been ringing constantly, and we’re working non-stop. My manager asks me to answer the phone in back and take orders.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like an order for delivery.”

    (I take his order.)

    Me: “Okay, that comes to [total] and the delivery estimate comes to about three hours.”

    Customer: “THREE HOURS?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!”

    Me: “Sir, are you watching the Superbowl tonight?”

    Customer: “Well… yeah.”

    Me: “And I assume you have a small gathering at your house?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Would you safely assume you’re the only person in town doing this?”

    Customer: “…umm, no.”

    Me: “So if everyone else in town is doing the same as you, there is going to be a bit of a wait. Do you still want your order?”

    Customer: “Oh. Yeah, we can wait.”

    Streets Ahead Of The Customer

    | LA, USA | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (I am delivery driving pizza. My store has a 30-minute-or-less guarantee. I get a delivery order for E. 72nd St and head right over there with their order of a drink and a pizza. When I get to the address, I can’t find their house number. I call back to the store and verify the address. It comes back the same. I look some more… no luck. I call back again and they call back the person who placed the order who also verifies the same address. Still can’t find it! On a hunch I drive over to E. 72nd Road and find the guy. Note: this is NOT a nice neighborhood.)

    Customer: “You’re late! I want my order for free!”

    Me: “I can’t because you gave us the wrong address.”

    Customer: “Nope. I get it for free!”

    (He tries and tries to get me to give him the order for free, wasting my time.)

    Me: “Are you going to pay for this or not?”

    (He still insists on trying to talk me into giving it to him, so I flip open the pizza box, grab a slice, and start eating it right in front of him! I turn, get in my car, and head to the store. When I get there I tell my manager what I did, expecting to get chewed out.)

    Manager: *with a wink* “You’re going to have to pay for that order… Give me a dollar and don’t do that again.”

    (I thoroughly enjoyed that pizza and drink!)

    Try Not To Vegetate On It For Too Long

    | MO, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I’m in the kitchen making pizzas when my boss comes back and tells me that an order she just sent back requested that we use a clean knife and cutting board to cut her pizza with because she is vegan and doesn’t want her pizza to come into contact with something against her diet. This is not an unusual request so I give her a thumbs up. A few minutes later I get to the ticket.)

    Me: “Hey, [Boss]? It was ticket number 62 that was the vegan ticket, right?”

    Boss: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Ticket 62… The cheese stuffed pizza with extra cheese?”

    Boss: “Yeah…”

    Me: “…”

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