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    Introducing The iMoney

    , | Kingston, Ontario, Canada | Technology

    (I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

    Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

    Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

    Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

    Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

    Customer: “Yes, it will!”

    Undetermined Outcome

    | Texas, USA |

    Caller: ‎”Hi, I don’t think my phone is ringing as many times as it’s supposed to.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I can test call it if you’d like and we’ll see how many times it rings.”

    (I test call the customer. It rings once and he answers.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it only rang once that time. It’s supposed to ring four times.”

    Me: “Sir, it only rang once because you answered it after the first ring.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know, but it’s still supposed to ring four times!”

    JFMAMJJASOND

    | Natal, Brazil |

    (It’s July 1st, so I am running the system to send the bills to all clients, as usual. I get a caller sounding very stressed.)

    Caller: “Hi there. About the bill you just send us: the due date is July 30th, but we are willing to pay this already tomorrow. Could you please change the due date for me?”

    Me: “Good morning, sir. About the due date, there’s no problem to pay it tomorrow. You have 29 days left to pay it. Feel free to do it any time before the due date.”

    Caller: “Yes, but I don’t wanna pay any taxes over this due to delays. So, could you please change the due date for tomorrow instead?”

    Me: “Sir, you can easily proceed with the payment tomorrow with no further taxes. The reason why the due date is set as the last day in the month is so that you can pay it anytime you want. So, feel free to do it any day before day 30.”

    Caller: *raised voice* “Do you just not understand? Today, it’s day 1st and your stupid financial department has set a due date that has already passed! Your company hires the stupidest people!”

    Me: “Sir, could you please tell me what month is now?”

    Caller: *long pause* “Hmm…”

    Me: “You are aware that month number 07 is July, not June?”

    Caller: *click*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Blood Is Thicker Than Social Security

    , | TN, USA |

    (A customer’s mother has passed away. He wants to take over her account. I am running his credit.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It appears there is a freeze on your credit with one or more of the credit bureaus. This usually happens if you–”

    Customer: “Of course there is a freeze. I have one with all three credit bureaus, because some idiot stole my identity last year!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. In order to take over her service, you will need to contact the credit bureaus to authorize this transaction.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have a way to work around this? This is really a huge pain. A total nightmare.”

    Me: “I understand, sir, but there is no work-around. You will have to contact them to remove the freeze.”

    Customer: “I can’t remove the freeze. It’s there to protect me. Are you stupid? Do you think I want to go through all this identity theft garbage again?”

    Me: “Not at all, sir. In fact, your protection is why we do not have a way to bypass the freeze. If we did, then anyone could call and give your information and set up service.”

    Customer: “But, I’m not just anyone. I’m me!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand that. This is how a freeze works. It requires you to verify this transaction further with the credit bureau.”

    Customer: “Clearly you are not getting this, but whatever. What if I give you my mother’s social security number?”

    Me: “Your mother’s name is who the account is listed under currently.”

    Customer: “I know that, you idiot. I mean put it under her social, and my name.”

    Me: “Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You don’t want to contact the credit bureaus to lift the freeze you placed on your credit due to being the victim of identity theft. Instead, you would like me to use your name and someone else’s social security number to open an account for you?”

    Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

    Me: “You do realize that would technically be committing identity theft?”

    Her Phone’s Not Much To Look At

    | London, UK | Family & Kids, Technology

    Customer: “This compensation thing means you can get a phone back, right? I shouldn’t even have to pay. It’s your fault my daughter doesn’t have a phone!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that Ma’am. Could you please tell me what happened and how it’s our fault? We’ll try to rectify it. Did it break for no reason?”

    Customer: “Her teacher took it! She was texting me and the teacher confiscated it! She has no phone until they give it back.”

    Me: “Most schools do operate a ban on cell-phones during school hours and inform the students. Ma’am, how is this our fault?”

    Customer: “You lot told me when I bought it that it would be perfect for teenagers! There should be something to stop it being seen in school!”

    Me: “And how do you suppose we do that?”

    Customer: “You’re the techno-geeks, you should be able to make it invisible on and off or something! God! You just don’t work hard enough!” *stomps out angrily*

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