• A Pain In The Nugget
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  • October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    Will Power On Aisle 2

    | Canada | Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    Teenage girl: “Do you guys sell that contraceptive abstinence?”

    Me: “Abstinence?”

    Teenage girl: “Yeah! Abstinence! I read that it’s the only 100% way to not get pregnant!”

    Me: “That’s right. But, abstinence is to not have sex. Like abstain from.”

    Teenage girl: “Well, that just sucks!”

    Misunderstood ‘Total Coverage’

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    Me: “Our records show you’ve never had a prescription filled here before, so I’ll need an ID and your insurance.”

    Customer: “Here’s my ID. I don’t have my insurance on me, but it’s through [car insurance company].”

    Me: “Sir, I think that’s your car insurance. Do you have health insurance?”

    Customer: “You mean there’s more than one kind?”

    Feeling Pooped

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    (A couple approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you give me advice about his stool?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give medical advice. Perhaps you’d like to speak to our pharmacist, or consult your doctor?”

    Customer: “No, I’m sure they’re very busy. I just want someone to tell me if it’s normal.”

    Me: “The law says I can’t give advice. Let me get the pharmacist.”

    Customer: “No, really, I have some here.” *whips out a clear bag of poo on the counter* “See, it’s all gritty. That’s not normal, is it? Do you have pills for that?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you might want to take that to your doctor. We can’t accept biological waste.”

    Customer: *to her husband* “See, Joe, I told you it was wrong. That’s why I save them.”

    Rectify The Situation

    | UK | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”

    Me: “Why do you need it?”

    Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”

    Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”

    (I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)

    Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Uncategorized

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

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