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    Misunderstood ‘Total Coverage’

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Our records show you’ve never had a prescription filled here before, so I’ll need an ID and your insurance.”

    Customer: “Here’s my ID. I don’t have my insurance on me, but it’s through [car insurance company].”

    Me: “Sir, I think that’s your car insurance. Do you have health insurance?”

    Customer: “You mean there’s more than one kind?”

    Feeling Pooped

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (A couple approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you give me advice about his stool?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give medical advice. Perhaps you’d like to speak to our pharmacist, or consult your doctor?”

    Customer: “No, I’m sure they’re very busy. I just want someone to tell me if it’s normal.”

    Me: “The law says I can’t give advice. Let me get the pharmacist.”

    Customer: “No, really, I have some here.” *whips out a clear bag of poo on the counter* “See, it’s all gritty. That’s not normal, is it? Do you have pills for that?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you might want to take that to your doctor. We can’t accept biological waste.”

    Customer: *to her husband* “See, Joe, I told you it was wrong. That’s why I save them.”

    Rectify The Situation

    | UK | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”

    Me: “Why do you need it?”

    Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”

    Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”

    (I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)

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    Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

    Hollywood, M.D.

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body, Math & Science, Movies & TV

    (A customer comes to the counter with a bleeding hand.)

    Customer: “Have you got a first aid kit back there? I caught my hand and it’s bleeding.”

    Me: “Of course. I’ll go get it.”

    (I come back with the kit and take out some antibiotic ointment and some bandages.)

    Customer: “Oh, I shouldn’t need the bandages.”

    Me: “Are you sure? It’s bleeding quite a lot.”

    Customer: “Well, that ointment will just fix it, won’t it?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “That stuff you’ve got in your hand, that’ll just heal it up right?”

    Me: “This helps it heal faster and prevents it from getting infected, but it doesn’t heal it immediately.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have the stuff that just fixes it right away?”

    Me: “I don’t believe they have anything that does that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “They do, I saw it before!”

    Me: “Where did you see it?”

    Customer: “I saw it on some movie. I don’t want that stuff there. I want the stuff I saw in the movie. Just get that stuff and fix this already, will you?”

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