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    Rectify The Situation

    | UK | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”

    Me: “Why do you need it?”

    Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”

    Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”

    (I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)

    Related:
    Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

    Hollywood, M.D.

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body, Math & Science, Movies & TV

    (A customer comes to the counter with a bleeding hand.)

    Customer: “Have you got a first aid kit back there? I caught my hand and it’s bleeding.”

    Me: “Of course. I’ll go get it.”

    (I come back with the kit and take out some antibiotic ointment and some bandages.)

    Customer: “Oh, I shouldn’t need the bandages.”

    Me: “Are you sure? It’s bleeding quite a lot.”

    Customer: “Well, that ointment will just fix it, won’t it?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “That stuff you’ve got in your hand, that’ll just heal it up right?”

    Me: “This helps it heal faster and prevents it from getting infected, but it doesn’t heal it immediately.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have the stuff that just fixes it right away?”

    Me: “I don’t believe they have anything that does that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “They do, I saw it before!”

    Me: “Where did you see it?”

    Customer: “I saw it on some movie. I don’t want that stuff there. I want the stuff I saw in the movie. Just get that stuff and fix this already, will you?”

    Medication Frustration

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body

    Customer: “I’m picking up a prescription for [name].”

    Me: “Okay. Just a second.”

    (I check the drawer for the prescription and can’t find it.)

    Me: “When did you order it?”

    Customer: “Well, I saw the doctor on Monday.”

    Me: “So you came in on Monday?”

    Customer: “No, I went to the doctor’s on Monday.”

    Me: “Okay, so when did you drop your prescription off?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I went to the doctor.”

    Me: “And did he give you a piece of paper that said what drugs you needed?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “That’s a prescription. You need to bring it here so that we know what you need.”

    Customer: “But I saw the doctor on Monday! Why didn’t he do it?”

    Me: “That’s not his job. That’s what pharmacists are for.”

    Customer: “So what, he’s a doctor but he’s not a pharmacist? Look, I saw him on Monday so he probably just did it then. You’re just not looking hard enough. Look for the things done on Monday!”

    The Truth Is A Bitter Pill To Swallow

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body

    Customer: “Why isn’t my prescription ready yet?”

    Me: “We’re trying to get in contact with your doctor because of a problem with the prescription. You’re profile says you’re allergic to penicillin. Is that correct?”

    Customer: “Oh yeah, that stuff is real bad for me!”

    Me: “The medication your doctor prescribed has penicillin in it, so we’re trying to get a hold of him to find out what he wants you to take.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, he wants me to take the penicillin. That’s what he wrote down, right?”

    Me: “Yes, but you said you were allergic to it.”

    Customer: “But he’s a doctor, so he knows what’s best. If that’s what he wrote, then just give me that.”

    Me: “Well, we’ll check with him first to make sure that it’s safe for you.”

    Customer: “Of course it’s safe for me or the doctor wouldn’t have prescribed it! He probably just cured my allergies. Check my old prescriptions; I bet he prescribed me something to cure my allergy!”


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