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    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5

    | Maryland, USA | Language & Words

    Customer: “Do you have any fecal heart monitors?”

    Me: “Uh…what?”

    Customer: “You know, to hear the baby while it’s still in the womb?”

    Me: “That would be a fetal heart monitor. Right this way…”

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    A Real Pain In The Rear

    | Germany | Health & Body

    (An elderly gentleman approaches me at the counter.)

    Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “My butt hurts! I need medicine!”

    Me: “All right, do you have a prescription? Or, can you tell me what exactly is wrong so that I can recommend you something that doesn’t need one?”

    Customer: “I don’t know what’s wrong. But my butt hurts!”

    Me: “Please go see a doctor then, sir. Without knowing what causes your pain, there’s little I can do.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to wait at the doctor’s together with all the sick people! I’ll catch a disease or something!”

    Me: “That’s understandable. Maybe you could go early in the morning when fewer people are there?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want to! I want you to tell me what’s wrong! Look at my butt!”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t do that–”

    (The man doesn’t listen. In front of me and three other customers, he drops his pants and underwear, turns around and sticks out his butt in my direction.)

    Me: “Sir, please pull up your pants again! I can’t tell what’s wrong and you will have to leave if you don’t stop that!”

    Customer: “Nonsense! If you can’t tell what’s wrong from over there, come closer and get a better look!”

    (My boss then comes to look at what’s going on and ends up kicking the guy out.)

    Customer: *on the way out the door* “Why will no one look at my butt?!”

    A Warm And Full(filling) Night In

    | Boston, MA, USA | Health & Body

    (A man in his mid-30′s approaches the register. I notice that he looks a little grumpy about something.)

    Me: “Hello!”

    Customer: “Hi.”

    (It is at this point that I notice that he only has two items to ring up: a 20oz bottle of soda and an enema.)

    Me: “How are you today?”

    Customer: “I’m holding an enema, what do you think?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (I ring him up silently. Poor guy, I hope he feels better!)

    D Is For Definitely Shiny

    | Wyckoff, NJ, USA |

    (A customer walks to my register with a Halloween decoration in tow. It’s a cheap cardboard statue of a cartoon-looking black cat covered in a shiny plastic material.)

    Customer: “So, why is this 3D?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    (I peer at the tag. It says “3D Cat”.)

    Me: “Oh, that’s because it’s 3D.”

    Customer: “No, I mean why is it ‘D’? Is it because it’s shiny?”

    (A multitude of thoughts are racing through my head at this point. I debate the prospect of explaining to her what 3D actually means. In the end, I decide it’s easier to just agree with her.)

    Me: “Exactly! It’s really sparkly and that’s why it’s called a 3D cat. Would you like to purchase it?”

    Customer: “Oh, definitely!”

    What’s Your Poison

    | New Zealand | Health & Body

    (I’m a pharmacist in a rural area. A shop assistant calls me out from the dispensary to talk to a customer, who is a slightly intoxicated middle aged woman.)

    Customer: “This medicine made my partner sick! Violently sick!”

    Me: “Let me see. Has he had any alcohol?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Are you sure? Not even a little?”

    Customer: “He doesn’t drink. Maybe only a little, but he wasn’t drunk.”

    Me: “It clearly says on the label that you must not drink any alcohol while being treated with this medicine.”

    Customer: “But he didn’t drink much at all. A beer shouldn’t matter, should it?”

    Me: “It contains enough alcohol to–”

    Customer: “But, like, you can even drive if you only drink a beer!”

    Me: “That has nothing to do with–”

    Customer: “I think he’d better not take this medicine. It made him violently sick!”

    Me: “I think he should–”

    Customer: “Thanks, I’ll tell him what you said. This medicine is a poison!” *turns around and walks out*

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