(A customer buys an African clawed frog for her son. After bagging it, I bring it to the register. It swims around in the bag for a second as I set it down.)

Customer: “Oh my god, what is it doing?”

Me: “You mean swimming?”

Customer: “Why did it do that?”

Me: “It was probably coming up for a breath.”

Customer: “It breathes?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So, it’s not a fish?”

Related:
Something Smells Fishy

(Customer comes in to buy some more mice because hers aren’t breeding.)

Customer: “How do you tell if the mice are male or female?”

Me: “Well, the easiest way to tell is the males have quite prominent testicles.”

Customer: “I didn’t know mice had testicles!”

Me: “That’s probably why your mice aren’t breeding.”

(An irate customer comes flying through the door and slams a soaking wet, dead hamster on the counter. I recognize her as a woman I had sold a hamster to an hour ago.)

Me: “Oh my goodness what happened?!”

Customer: “I took this hamster home and he didn’t even live 10 minutes!”

Me: “Why is he all wet?”

Customer: “From being in the aquarium! He swam for awhile, but then he just dropped dead!

Me: “I’m sorry, are you telling me you put him in an aquarium full of water?”

Customer: “You told me hamsters can live in aquariums! You said I didn’t need to buy a cage specifically for hamsters!”

Me: “Hamsters can live in an aquarium, but not in water! When you were picking him out didn’t you notice the others are in empty aquariums with bedding?”

Customer: “You told me he could live in an aquarium! I demand a new hamster! One that is alive!”

Me: “I really don’t think any of our animals are going to work out for you.”

(A dad and his children are in my checkout line. I’m ringing up items for the family when I hear his children talking to each other.)

8-year old son: “Want to hear a joke?

5-year old son: “Yeah!”

8-year old son: “Knock knock.”

5-year old son: “Who’s there?”

8-year old son: “Merry!”

5-year old son: “Merry who?”

8-year old son: “Merry, it’s almost Christmas!”

(I laugh.)

Dad: *looking at me and laughing too* “Yeah, I was wondering where he was going with that.”

Customer: “Hey, do you guys sell any extinct fish?”

(I pause to see if she is messing with me, but she is serious.)

Me: “No, sorry. They are really hard to come by.”