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    Much A-Two About Nothing

    | Nanuet, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (I work at a major pet retail store. A customer approaches the register, talking on her cell phone, and puts a dog toy on the counter.)

    Customer: “[Competitor] has this for $7.99 and you’re charging $9.99! It’s too expensive!”

    Me: “I can price match it for you, ma’am—”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t charge so much! It’s ridiculous!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s—”

    Customer: *to her friend on the phone* “It’s so expensive here!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s only two dollars.”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “I don’t have two dollars. I only have a credit card.”

    Me: “We take credit for any amount, ma’am.”

    (The customer swipes her card, takes her purchase, and rushes off, talking to her friend on the phone.)

    Customer: “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! I just made a huge fuss and it was only two dollars!”

    Their Bark Is Worse Than Any Dog’s Bite

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet store that also offers boarding/day care services for dogs. We have three day camps, two of which are visible to customers inside and outside of the store. I am on my way back from a break when I notice a father, mother, and child standing in front of a window, looking into one of the day camps.)

    Me: “Hello! I see you have noticed one of our day camp rooms. Do you have any questions about our boarding and day camp services?”

    Father: “Yes, we do. What is that dog?” *points*

    Me: “That would be Oso. He’s a real sweetheart.”

    Father: “And what breed is he?”

    Me: “He’s a Great Pyrenees mix.”

    Mother: “We’ll take him.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry?”

    Mother: “I SAID, we’ll take him.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but these dogs are not for sale.”

    Father: “What?”

    Me: “All of these dogs are staying with us while their owners are out of town. Some of them, like Oso, only come in for a few hours every day because the owners don’t want them to be left home alone all day.”

    Mother: “That’s ridiculous. Why would you have these dogs on display if they weren’t for sale?”

    Father: “We’d like to purchase that dog. How much is he?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but none of these dogs are for sale. We do offer adoption services on weekends, so you are more than welcome to come back on Saturday and look at the puppies.”

    Child: *whining* “I want the dooooggiiiiiiie!”

    Father: “Yes, but we want THAT dog. How much is he?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but none of these dogs are for sale. They all have owners.”

    Mother: “Then how about that dog?” *points at a different one*

    Me: “I don’t know what that dog’s name is.”

    Mother: “No, no, how much is that dog? If the first one isn’t for sale, then what about this one?”

    Me: “Ma’am, NONE of the dogs are for sale. They ALL have owners.”

    Mother: “Then why are you displaying them in the store if they aren’t for sale?!”

    Child: “I WANT THE DOGGIE!”

    Me: “Excuse me, but I need to clock back in from break. Let me get the manager…”

    (When the store manager came by, they asked how much Oso was again. When they were told he was not for sale, the child threw a major temper tantrum, both of the parents starting yelling at the store manager, and they only left after the store manager threatened to call security.)

    Takes One To Blow One

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I’m working on a particularly stormy day at the petstore. Lights are flickering and the wind is rattling the doors and siding of the store. Everyone is visibly terrified, save for one unscathed customer.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for a hamster for my daughter.”

    Me: “Uh, sure sir… our hamsters are over here. We have quite a selection and I can open the bins if you see one you’d like to hold.”

    Customer: “These are all males. I’m looking for a female.”

    Me: “I apologize for that sir. We only carry one gender to keep from in-store breeding. It’s in the best interest of the pets’ health and customer satisfaction, and we’re a male store.”

    Customer: “You mean I HAD to drive all the way in THIS storm for a hamster you don’t even have?”

    Me: “Well, you didn’t have to. But if you’d like, we have a female store located close by.”

    Customer: “No way. Only a psycho would drive in this weather!”

    No Species For Feces

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Pets & Animals

    (A couple comes in with a bag holding a few dead Cory catfish.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Female Customer: “We have some fish that didn’t make it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any other fish in the tank these came from?”

    Male Customer: “Yes.”

    Female Customer: “We have a couple of those over there…” *points at the mollies* “…and a few of those…” *points at some tetras* “…and one of those suckers, too.”

    Me: “Are all your other fish doing okay?”

    Male Customer: “Some of those stripy ones died, but they were ate up.”

    Me: “Alright. What size tank do you have then? Twenty gallons? Larger?”

    (The male customer motions with his hands; it’s definitely not a large tank.)

    Me: “It looks like you have a ten gallon or so. How many fish did you say you have in there?”

    Female Customer: “About twenty or so.”

    Me: “And how often do you do water changes?”

    Male Customer: “We put new water in weekly.”

    Me: “How much water do you take out each time?”

    Female Customer: “None. We just add to it when the water evaporates.”

    (At this point, I take the time to explain to them the basics of proper tank maintenance. I also explain to them that their tank is too small for the amount of fish currently being housed inside of it. This takes a few minutes for them to understand, but finally they seem to get it.)

    Me: “If you move to a larger tank, siphon and do water changes your fish will be healthier.”

    Female Customer: “I just don’t understand why we have to clean the gravel.”

    Me: “That is where most of the fish waste gathers. Your filter will not get it all.”

    Female Customer: “But that’s why we bought those things for! To eat all the poop! But they didn’t do anything, and then they died.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Male Customer: “They were supposed to be cleaning fish, but they never cleaned anything.”

    Me: “You bought these fish with the expectation they would eat the other fishes’ waste?”

    Female Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Yes, they are bottom feeders, and yes some people buy them to keep the tank a bit tidier; they’ll eat food that reaches the bottom. However, they don’t eat poop. I don’t believe we sell fish that live off of the waste of other fish.”

    Male Customer: “Well, you should!”

    The Scales Will Never Fall From Her Eyes

    | California, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I am a female working in a reptile store, so it’s fairly common for people to question why I would be interested in snakes and lizards. On this particular day, I’m helping a woman and her 6-year-old daughter hold a snake.)

    Customer: “So, do you have any reptiles of your own at home?”

    Me: “Oh yes, I have a ton.” *laughs*

    Customer: “How does that affect your dating life? I mean, boys can’t possibly think that’s attractive in a girl!”

    (The customer’s question has caught me off guard, but I try to remain friendly.)

    Me: “Um, it doesn’t really have an effect. It’s not usually an issue.”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Mommy, can I get a pet snake?!”

    Customer: “No, sweetie. We want YOU to have boyfriends.”

    Me: *speechless*


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