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    Dead Parrot Sketch

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a pet store. We offer a variety of animals, including birds.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, could I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have any red birds for sale?”

    Me: “I’m afraid that all of the birds we have right now are green and blue, no red ones. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Well, can’t you just make one red for me, then?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, that’s not something we can do.”

    Customer: “And why not, exactly? I think you’re just being lazy, and I have more than half a mind to call your manager!”

    Me: “You could do that, but he can’t make the birds red either, sorry.”

    (The customer storms off in a huff. She comes back later asking if it is safe to dip a bird in paint.)

    Must Hate Watching Animal Planet

    | GA, USA | At The Checkout, Pets & Animals

    (I’m ringing up a customer buying a bag of dog food, and a small toy. When customers pay by credit card, the screen automatically asks if they want to make a donation to help homeless animals.)

    Me: “Would you like to make a donation to [store charity]?”

    Customer: “No, I hate all animals; this is for a friend.”

    Me: “Okay then. Would you like a bag for that?”

    Customer: “Yes, I hate the environment too.”

    Found Out His Pecking Order

    | Burien, WA, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work at a store that sells only pet food, no actual live pets, nor have we ever sold live pets. I answer the phone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet store]. This is [name]; how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I was in there about a month ago and I bought chicks from you guys. I was told they were all females, but I have two boys! I want to know how you’re going to fix it.”

    Me: “Oh, I am sorry, sir. I am sure you didn’t purchase them here—”

    Customer: “Don’t you dare try to tell me I didn’t buy them from you! You just don’t want to take responsibility for your mistake!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding here—”

    Customer: “No! There is no misunderstanding! You made a mistake when you sold me these chickens, and now it’s your job to fix it! This is America!”

    Me: “Sir, if you would just let me explain—”

    Customer: “What is there to explain that I didn’t just tell you!?”

    Me: “Sir! If you had listened to me initially, you would know that we did not sell you those chicks. I know that for certain because we do not sell live pets here. I also hate to inform you this, but when purchasing a box of chicks it comes at a certain risk. Sexing chicks at such a young age is incredibly difficult. However if you cannot or do not wish to keep the roosters, most places that sell them will take them back. However in order to fix this situation, you need to contact the people that actually sold you the birds.”

    (The customer suddenly goes all quiet and sheepish.)

    Customer: “This isn’t [other pet store], is it?”

    Me: “No, sir, this is [my pet store].”

    Customer: *click*

    A Dogged Request, Part 2

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals

    (I am a cashier at a pet store that has a grooming salon. The customer is a very snotty woman who has a ticket from the groomers to ring up.)

    Customer: “I have a complaint about the service!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I can get a manager for you to speak to.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to speak to a manager.”

    Me: “Well, maybe I can help you. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I got this grooming and styling service for my Pomeranian, and the groomers asked if I’d like bows in her hair!”

    Me: “Okay. I’m not understanding what the problem is.”

    Customer: “I told them that would be alright. So I just got my dog back, and they did it all wrong. I don’t like the color of the ribbons they used. They’re ugly.”

    Me: “They used a different color than what you specified? Did you ask them to use different ones?”

    Customer: “No, I didn’t ask for any other color. I just don’t like them.”

    Me: “Oh, well I’m sorry about that. I hope you have a nice day.” *continues to ring her up*

    Customer: “Wait a minute, aren’t you going to do something?”

    Me: “Well, if you don’t like the color, I’m sure the groomer will be happy to let you pick out different ribbons.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to.”

    Me: “If they’re that ugly you could always just remove them.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to do that. I want you to do something about it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m just the cashier. The employees in the salon would be able to help you.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to talk to them. They are the ones who messed up. Why can’t you do something?”

    Me: “I’m just a lowly cashier. A manager might be able to arrange a solution for you.”

    Customer: “I already told you, I don’t want to talk to a manager!”

    (The line is getting backed up, and other customers are grumbling.)

    Me: “I don’t know what you expect me to do to help you. I’ve offered solutions. You don’t want the issue to be corrected. You don’t want to talk to anyone in the correct department. You just want me to do ‘something’. Why are you complaining to the cashier but refuse to talk to anyone else?”

    Customer: “Well… I don’t think I should have to pay for this! I think I should at least get a discount!”

    Me: “I see, so you’re complaining to me because I’m running the register, and you don’t want the problem corrected because you want something for nothing. Sorry, but you’ve received an $80 grooming, styling and nail cutting service. The ribbons are complimentary and not included. You already got them for free.”

    Customer: *flustered* “I… how dare you try to accuse a paying customer? This is slander! You should be fired for speaking to me that way! I want to speak to your manager!”

    (Just then, another customer in line behind her speaks up.)

    Customer In Line: “No, you didn’t want to speak to a manager, remember?! Why don’t you let actual paying customers, who aren’t trying to rip this place off, buy our stuff and go home?”

    Customer: “Are you going to let him verbally attack me like that? I demand you do something!”

    Me: “Okay, that’s it! I’m calling the manager…”

    (When the manager comes out and listens to her story, the other customer makes sure he hears my side. The manager asks one of the groomers if the woman had complained or asked for different ribbons. According to the groomer, the customer had told them everything was fine and the dog looked great. In the end, the customer is escorted aside to pay like a delinquent, while hanging her head in humiliation the whole time.)

    Related:
    A Dogged Request

    How To Treat Employees

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “Can you help me find these treats in the large breed size?”

    Me: “Sure!” *goes to shelf and finds treats*

    Customer: “Good girl! Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl!”

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