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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Welcome To Retail, Part 3

    , | Alberta, Canada |

    (I’m a 16 year old, new to the job at a pet store. An elderly woman comes up to the front counter with a shopping cart full of tiny tins of cat food. None of them are stacked, and they are different brands and flavors.)

    Customer: “I’d like all of these, please.”

    Me: “Uh… alright. Are they sorted by brand?”

    Customer: “Why should I count them? I’m the customer!”

    Me: “Good point, ma’am.”

    (I finally get all her cans sorted and I scan them all. She then proceeds to pay for over 40 dollars of cat food with change.)

    Me: “There you go, ma’am. Do you want a hand out to your car with those bags?”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    (She gets to the door and she drops her bags. Cans go rolling everywhere.)

    Customer: *shrieks* “I WANT MY MONEY BACK! THIS IS CAT FOOD! I WANTED DOG FOOD!”

    (Needless to say, I cried.)

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    Welcome To Retail, Part 2
    Welcome To Retail

    Kitteh Sez STFU

    | Concord, CA, USA |

    (I’m tending to the cats at our pet store when a young woman comes up and points at a small tabby, Velma.)

    Me: “Ah, would you like to see Velma? She’s a little shy but very sweet.”

    Customer: “I can has cat?”

    Me: “Um… if you are interested in adopting, I’ll be happy to get out Velma or any of the cats so that you can get to know them a little better.”

    Customer: “I can has lolcat?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “She is in her playpen, stealin our funs!”

    Me: “You know, pets can be a big responsibility, and I’m not sure a cat would be the best thing for you right now.”

    Customer: “K thanks bye!” *turns and walks out of the store*

    Me, to Velma: “I think I may have just saved your life.”

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    Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart

    | Jensen Beach, FL, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

    Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

    Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

    Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

    Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

    Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

    Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

    Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

    Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

    (And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)

    Best Pet Advice, Ever

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

    Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

    Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about 7 lbs.”

    Customer: “How big are they now?”

    Me: “They’re about 4 lbs right now.”

    Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

    Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

    Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

    Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA |

    (A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

    Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

    Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

    Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

    Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

    Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

    Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

    Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

    Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

    Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

    Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

    Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

    (She came back.)

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