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    Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart

    | Jensen Beach, FL, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

    Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

    Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

    Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

    Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

    Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

    Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

    Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

    Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

    Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

    Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

    (And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)

    Best Pet Advice, Ever

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

    Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

    Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

    Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about 7 lbs.”

    Customer: “How big are they now?”

    Me: “They’re about 4 lbs right now.”

    Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

    Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

    Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

    Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

    Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA |

    (A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

    Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

    Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

    Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

    Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

    Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

    Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

    Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

    Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

    Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

    Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

    Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

    (She came back.)

    The Guinea Pig Goes Hiss

    | Lafayette, LA, USA |

    (I am showing a guinea pig to a middle aged customer in a suit and tie who seems interested in buying it for his kids.)

    Customer: “So, they eat special food just for guinea pigs?”

    Me: “Yeah, there is a food that we sell that is specially customized
    to their needs, but you can also feed them rabbit food.”

    Customer: “A guinea pig is a reptile, right?”

    Customer Of The Week: Pet Care Hotline

    | Kentucky | Old Comics

    NEW: Not Always Right is pleased to announce Customer Of The Week, a comic which will run every Wednesday. It’s based on Not Always Right stories and is created by the fantastic folks at Quitting Time!

    Customer Of The Week, No. 1
    Created by our friends at Quitting Time

    Original Story:
    Actually, Fido Is A Weapon Of Mass Destruction

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