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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Just Add Water

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (I work in a pet store that does not sell live feeder mice. We only sell frozen feeder mice that come four a container.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I have a question about these feeder mice. If I unfreeze them, will they come back to life?”

    Note From God: Waters & Land First, Then Creatures

    , | Devon, UK |

    Customer: “I would like a refund, I found all my fish that I bought from you two days ago dead this morning.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. How old was the tank?”

    (As long as the customer has followed our advice, we can refund or replace any fish lost.)

    Customer: “A week.”

    Me: “Right, so you put the fish in two days ago? The tank had been running for a week prior to that with the filter on 24/7? And you had everything in the tank before you put the fish in?”

    Customer: “I did it just as you advised me to last week and everything was in the tank except the gravel, which I put in yesterday afternoon.”

    Me: “So you put the gravel into the tank when the fish were already in there?”

    Customer: “Yes. I would like those fish replaced, please.”

    (Note: pouring gravel on fish’s heads = bad idea. We did give her replacements, but these fish could not be refunded.)

    Mixed Me-ow-ssages

    | Burlington, WA, USA |

    Customer: “I bought this a few days ago to stop my cats from scratching the furniture, and now they’re scratching it more than ever!”

    (I take a moment to look at the bottle, and see that it is clearly labeled “Catnip Spray”.)

    Me: “Well, they’re going to scratch more because this is catnip spray.”

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Me: “You spray this where you want cats to scratch… didn’t you read the bottle before you bought it?”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to read; I just grabbed the first thing on the shelf.”

    Me: “Um… you just grabbed the first thing on the shelf?”

    Customer: “Yes, now get me the right stuff so they’ll stop scratching!”

    A Hiccup In The Food Chain

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I was working in the reptile department and I often got questions about the snakes.)

    Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

    Me: “Those snakes?¬†Usually feeder mice.”

    Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

    Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

    Customer: Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

    Me: “No ma’am, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

    Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful.¬†They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am…you’ll have to talk to God about that one.”

    Is That A Tumor In Your Pocket…

    | Canada |

    (A customer is looking in our pet store’s front window at our display of hamsters, rats and mice.)

    Customer: “I want to make a complaint.”

    Me: “Sure, would you like me to get the store manager?”

    Customer: “Yes, right this minute.”

    (I get the manager.)

    Manager: “Yes, ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you would actually have sick rats on display in the front window! I am going to call the humane society and have this store shut down!¬†I am sickened that would actually have poor rats that have CANCER in the storefront window!”

    Manager: “… cancer?”

    Customer: ¬†” YES! Just look at the size of those TUMORS on the poor backsides of all those rats in that cage!”

    Manager: “Um, ma’am… those are their testicles. They are full grown male rats.”

    Customer: ¬†*blushes* “… oh. Sorry.”

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