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    You No Challenge Tarzan

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.)

    Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

    Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

    Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

    (I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

    Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

    Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

    It’s Okay, Let’s Find Some Toddlers

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am looking for some dog food that is not animal tested.”

    Me: “Ma’am, all food made for animals has to be tested by animals. It’s dog food!”

    Customer: “You have got to be kidding me! Let me talk to your manager!”

    Dig Deeper At Your Own Risk

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada |

    (A customer and her young son are buying a bag of birdseed when she notices a picture of my horse on the board behind me.)

    Customer: “Oh, what a beautiful horse! Is he a black stallion?”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, he’s a gelding.”

    Customer: “Oh…what’s the difference?”

    Me: “A gelding is a male horse who’s been castrated.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Uh…a male horse who’s been neutered.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “A male horse who’s had his testicles surgically removed.”

    Customer: “I still don’t…”

    Me: “A horse with no balls, ma’am.”

    Customer: *covering her son’s ears*** “My goodness! My son’s only five, you know! He doesn’t need to hear that language!”

    Me: “…have a nice day, ma’am.”

    Just Add Water

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (I work in a pet store that does not sell live feeder mice. We only sell frozen feeder mice that come four a container.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I have a question about these feeder mice. If I unfreeze them, will they come back to life?”

    Note From God: Waters & Land First, Then Creatures

    , | Devon, UK |

    Customer: “I would like a refund, I found all my fish that I bought from you two days ago dead this morning.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. How old was the tank?”

    (As long as the customer has followed our advice, we can refund or replace any fish lost.)

    Customer: “A week.”

    Me: “Right, so you put the fish in two days ago? The tank had been running for a week prior to that with the filter on 24/7? And you had everything in the tank before you put the fish in?”

    Customer: “I did it just as you advised me to last week and everything was in the tank except the gravel, which I put in yesterday afternoon.”

    Me: “So you put the gravel into the tank when the fish were already in there?”

    Customer: “Yes. I would like those fish replaced, please.”

    (Note: pouring gravel on fish’s heads = bad idea. We did give her replacements, but these fish could not be refunded.)

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