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    From Gills To Godly

    | Nanuet, NY, USA |

    Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

    Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

    (The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

    Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

    Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

    Customer: “No. You must pray.”

    Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

    Customer: “You must pray.”

    Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

    Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

    (It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)

    Cryogenic Chirpers

    | Springfield, IL, USA |

    (A customer is trying to find something else for her lizard to eat so she doesn’t need to buy live crickets so often.)

    Me: “Well, we do have this can of freeze-dried crickets. I don’t know how well your gecko will take to them, but it may be worth a shot?”

    Customer: “OK…so how do I bring them back to life? Add water?”

    Me: “No…they’re dead.”

    You No Challenge Tarzan

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.)

    Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

    Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

    Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

    (I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

    Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

    Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

    It’s Okay, Let’s Find Some Toddlers

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I am looking for some dog food that is not animal tested.”

    Me: “Ma’am, all food made for animals has to be tested by animals. It’s dog food!”

    Customer: “You have got to be kidding me! Let me talk to your manager!”

    Dig Deeper At Your Own Risk

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada |

    (A customer and her young son are buying a bag of birdseed when she notices a picture of my horse on the board behind me.)

    Customer: “Oh, what a beautiful horse! Is he a black stallion?”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, he’s a gelding.”

    Customer: “Oh…what’s the difference?”

    Me: “A gelding is a male horse who’s been castrated.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Uh…a male horse who’s been neutered.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “A male horse who’s had his testicles surgically removed.”

    Customer: “I still don’t…”

    Me: “A horse with no balls, ma’am.”

    Customer: *covering her son’s ears*** “My goodness! My son’s only five, you know! He doesn’t need to hear that language!”

    Me: “…have a nice day, ma’am.”

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